Since finding out that we were expecting, my life has been
work, sleep, eat and repeat. That’s basically it. I’m sleeping for up to 10-12
hours every single day. I’ve never needed so much rest in my life. I’ve been
told to listen to my body and do what it wants. It takes a lot of work to grow
a baby! It can be frustrating though to be so tired all of the time despite my
best efforts at exercise, drinking gallons of water and trying to eat healthy.
Sleep is sleep, and nothing makes up for that! I keep telling myself to do my
best and forget the rest.
Somewhere between work, sleep, and eating my mind also makes
time for worry and anxiety. I have worried about this child since the day I got
a positive pregnancy test. I worried so much before our first appointment about
what we would or wouldn’t see. We were so grateful to see our little baby and
watch our baby’s heart flicker on that screen. Baby had a wonderful heart beat
and I just couldn’t believe that what I was seeing was actually inside of me. I
have two beating hearts in my body. How is that anything but miraculous? I can’t
even describe the feeling. I could’ve watched baby bounce around all day. I
stare at our sonogram often and I pray every single day that God will see that
this baby continues to grow healthy and strong. But my mind fears the worst…and
so the hard work I’ve been doing is keeping my mind in a healthy space.
We decided to tell everyone right away that we were pregnant.
I was 2 months along when we announced and I’m still not even out of the first trimester,
but I’m very close. We were too excited to keep the wonderful news to
ourselves. Craig and I decided together that we wanted to share in the joy with
everyone right away because as long as this baby is growing inside of me, this
baby is to be celebrated. What a pure joy we’ve been feeling! I’m sure there
are some out there that think we shared too early and there are countless blogs
that advise the earliest you should tell is 12 weeks. And what I’ve come to
believe is that the 12 week “rule” is absurd. Since opening up about our pregnancy
losses I’ve come to know other women who’ve experienced loss in the way I have
which was prior to 12 weeks, but I’ve also met several women who’ve experienced
loss at 16, 20, and 40 weeks. Also as many of you know, my sister lost her
first son at full-term. Having a healthy baby is never a full-on guarantee. It’s
an unimaginable loss at any point, but that goes to show that having a baby
really is a miracle. At the end of every day I thank God that I’m still
pregnant and I ask for another day.
After our first appointment I finally allowed myself to look
in the closet where I stored the few things we had been given from our second pregnancy.
My mom bought me this really cute pregnancy tracking book that allows me to
journal about each pregnancy milestone. I had started to write in it with our second
pregnancy so when I opened that book back up, my heart remembered the pain I had
felt with our losses. Instead of marking out what I had already written, I
decided to keep it and just add to it with this pregnancy. I can’t take away
our first two losses. When I was writing in that book, those were moments of
joy for me that I don’t want to erase.
Not all days are wrought with anxiety and worry though. I’m
having more good days than bad, but sometimes when it’s bad, it’s bad. I just
try to take one day at a time and be grateful along the way. Some days I sit in
what will be the baby room and I dream of all the things I want to do with it.
What decorations would look good. I can see myself sitting in a rocker holding
my baby. I daydream a lot. I already began our registry to get a start on
things. I’m looking at daycares and reading up on breast feeding and homemade
baby foods. I’m looking for baby furniture and trying to find good deals. I’m
doing all of the things that expecting mothers typically do, but I question a
lot if it’s too early, or if I should wait a bit longer. That may sound
strange, but after two losses I still battle a piece of me that wants to keep
waiting until I know for sure while on the other hand knowing that nothing is
guaranteed at any point. I’m still working on this, but I’m giving myself permission
to plan for this baby as if all is well. And all IS well right now. Baby looks
good according to my doctor and I trust her.
With love,
Keena 