After trying desperately to fall asleep the other night, I decided at exactly 12:16 am that I would start a blog. I got up, grabbed my computer and began this first entry. For those of you who know me well, you will understand that it’s unusual for me to be awake and conscious at this hour because bed time happens routinely for me around 9 or 9:30…even on the weekends. (Yes, the age 26 is that exciting.) If I don’t follow my regular scheduled programming, I am not a pleasant person. However, my brain is wrestling with some pretty big thoughts and I just felt that I had to get these down in writing…mostly for own self-care but also with the hope of reaching others.  

The thoughts that are keeping me up are not new. They are with me every day and everywhere I go. I want to talk about them because I think others can easily relate and I know I need to talk. But first, let me give some background on me…

My name is Keena Wilson and I am a 26 year old recent graduate entering into the professional world for the first time. I am a Licensed Professional Counselor with a focus on clinical mental health. Currently, I work as a consultant within a state government setting helping to reform the world of children’s mental health. It’s truly incredible work…but this experience is what I find often keeping me up at night. Not just around the issues surrounding the field of mental health (although there are tons of issues  that keep me grumbling) but it’s more about the thought I have too many times of “what the heck am I doing here? I can’t possibly be cut out for this work.” This is my first big girl job, and it is not an easy one. Being a young professional is challenging. Every day I am learning and trying to keep up with the big dogs who have decades more experience than I. I am slowly learning to deal with the stressors of not knowing everything that I think I should.

I’m not someone who looks for sympathy when life gets hard, but I do think it’s important to talk about the trials we face, so…I am sharing my story. I am sharing my story and my on-going experience of learning to embrace my journey. I also hope to inspire others who too often feel consumed by self-doubt and fear which can hold us back. I know it holds me back. I want to start a conversation about developing a professional career by shedding some light into the real challenges of aspiring to be a leader. I LOVE reading and consuming the stories of great leaders today and how they got to where they are at now. I can’t finish one book fast enough before I’m on to the next, or finish a single episode of a podcast before my interest is piqued by the title of another. I’m hungry (maybe hangry) for knowledge, wisdom, and success. But it’s not something you just receive wrapped with a bow. It’s a process. And the process is a struggle. And the struggle is real.

During my graduate training my professors would always say “trust the process”. Silently, I thought “screw the process”. Every time I heard them say that I wanted to crush something because I truly thought they said it only to cause pain. And now, I’m beginning to realize that is not true (I certainly hope not because these people were counselors after all). What I’m opening my eyes to is that this life is an adventure, and at every step of the way we will experience new challenges and we will be forced to adapt in some way. I get this, but man oh man, do I ever struggle with accepting it. I want to be great NOW. I want to be an expert at this moment and I want to get there fast. When I think like this, I’m missing the essence of the gifts given to me that I’m CHOOSING not to acknowledge. I’m being given the opportunity to wrestle with and figure out who I am and where I can have an impact on this world. I don’t appreciate what I have to offer and what I already bring to the table. I need to acknowledge that right now, my gifts are motivation, drive, and passion. These are all important qualities when entering into a professional career. The rest of what I am striving for will surely follow, but first, I need to live it out. I need to live out the discomfort that comes with mistakes and failures. Living it out is the ONLY path to success because it is the best tool for learning. I need to allow myself to stumble and fall and then stand back up and push forward. I need to LIVE IT OUT! Not living it out leads to stagnation. You know that saying, "no pain, no gain".

I want to bring my struggles here and start a conversation about fear and self-doubt while becoming a young leader. I also hope to provide some tools that I’m learning to incorporate into my life that others may also find useful. My goal is not to make it big in the blogging arena. Quite frankly, I’m not sure if this will even be of interest (ugh I sense some self-doubt as I write that!). But I’m willing to try, to put myself out there because really, I want to challenge myself to manage my fears and push to deal with them head on. I hope others want to share this process with me because I don’t believe that anyone gets anywhere alone. It’s simply not possible because we are not designed to exist in isolation.

So won’t you join me? Maybe we can figure this out together.