Leadership in Marriage & Grief

As I’ve said before in some of my previous blogs, I do not consider myself to be a religious person. I do however, consider myself to be a very spiritual person. I have moments that bring me to my knees in prayer because I just don’t know what else to do, and I need to rely on something much greater than myself. Recently, I had one of those moments. This time, it had nothing to do with my job or work, which is usually what I spend my time writing about. This time, it was very personal, and the situation forced me to examine what leadership looks like in my home.

A week ago, my husband and I found out we were pregnant. This is the year we decided to start trying to expand our family, and we’ve been excited to become parents together. In the same week, I found out that I was likely having a miscarriage. What we’ve learned is that there is so much uncertainty and grey areas when it comes to pregnancy. I researched and read way too much on the internet, which left me feeling exhausted and with little comfort about what was happening to my body. There’s a reason why medical professionals tell you to stay off the internet. It truly does not bring any comfort…just more fears if anything. I can vouch for that. I wanted to hold on to the hope that maybe our situation would be different. I kept thinking that maybe this could still be a viable pregnancy. Waiting was the hardest part of the whole situation.

You don’t know how you’re going to respond to a pregnancy loss until it’s happening to you. I surly didn’t know how I would feel. The day after I found out I was miscarrying, I went to get my haircut because that’s always a relaxing thing for me to do. I was sitting there and I noticed that the woman next to me was showing off her sonogram pictures to her hairdresser. Oh.the.pain. I wanted to be showing off mine. But instead, I sat silently in my own pain, wishing I was carrying a baby. I have hope that one day I will, but today is not the day.

So how does this relate to leadership in the home you might ask? Well, marriage requires leadership…from both spouses. And let me tell you…it is not easy. I know my husband, and I know him well, but we have never been through something like this before and neither of us have experienced disappointment or pain in this way. I think we are learning each other’s stress responses and how we each deal with sadness. We experience sadness in completely different ways.

Even though I’m a therapist and I know people experience emotions in different ways, it doesn’t make it easy when it’s in my own home. If you know anything about love languages, then you know that everyone experiences feeling cared and loved for in different ways. We also experience grief in different ways. This is something I know. But it is something that is much harder to deal with at home. My husband is not as open with his feelings as I am. Sometimes I have to dig and pull out his emotions to see where he’s at. My emotional gauge is out in the open for all to see. I wear my heart on my sleeve so to speak. I want to talk when I’m hurting, and my husband wants space. What ends up happening is that I feel lonely and he probably feels smothered as we do this dance between our different needs. And this is where leadership comes in.

Leadership in the home is knowing when to put aside your needs and attend to your spouse’s needs. It’s knowing when to speak the truth about how you feel and calmly listen even when it hurts. It is continuing to love even though it hurts. This is something we are learning together in our young marriage. Even though it’s hard and painful, here’s what I do know:

We could not do this without the promise of our marriage.

Our marriage is not perfect. We do not do everything the right way, but our marriage means that no matter what, we are bonded in love and that is how I know we will be okay. While we are hurting right now and still working through the pain, I know that our promise to one another will carry us through. The only thing I am certain of is that we love each other deeply.

These days, marriage is no longer considered important and often viewed as “unnecessary”. No, it is not required for people to get married, and yes, I believe that unmarried couples can be happy together. But what if there’s more at stake in not being married? What if it was designed to guide us in ways that can only be understood when you commit in this way? All I can say is, my heart is protected by the faithful love I share with my husband. He is the only one who can lay next to me at night, rub my hurting belly and tell me he loves me. For this I know, I was blessed greatly. To me, there is no greater comfort.

The following is something I found comforting and thought I would share. It comes from “Jesus Today” by Sarah Young:

“Trust me here and now. You are in rigorous training-on an adventurous trail designed for you alone. This path is not of your choosing, but it is My way for you. I am doing things you can’t understand. That is why I say “Trust Me!”

The jungle is thick, and you cannot clearly see what is before you, behind you, or beside you. Cling to My hand as you follow this trail in shadowy darkness. Although you cannot see Me, My Presence with you is rock solid reality. Find hope in Me, beloved, for I am taking care of you.

Focus on enjoying Me and all that I am to you-even though your circumstances scream for resolution. Refuse to obsess about your problems and how you are going to fix them. Instead, affirm your trust in Me; wait hopefully in My presence, and watch to see what I will do.”

I am waiting hopefully and faithfully.

With love,

Keena