Two Years after "I Do"

I didn't think marriage could be so hard, but after two years into mine, I understand why a twenty, thirty, or fifty year marriage anniversary is really something to celebrate. I know that sounds harsh and maybe insinuates that I'm not happy in mine, but that's not the case. I am happy with my marriage and I love being married! I'm thankful to share life with someone, committed together as one. People did tell me it would be hard, but how do you know what that means until you've experienced it? I really didn't know. I will never forget a good friend of mine who gave me a sweet card when I got engaged and she wrote, "remember this moment when the hard ones come". If she's reading this, then all I can say is, Thank You. Thank you for reminding me that it's not all bliss and that I'd need to hold onto the good when the hard times would inevitably happen. I appreciate the honesty you extended me. I still have that card!

The first month or so of marriage was pretty great! We started it off in Hawaii soaking up the sun and living in a blissful honeymoon! Shortly after, we bought our first home together and started to enjoy the freedoms of home owning even though it was a huge learning curve on the topics of escrow, interest rates, property tax, loan types, ect., but we still enjoyed the experience. That next month we both started our new jobs-Craig started as an orthopedic surgery resident, and I began my career as a consultant over children's mental health programs. We jumped into some pretty fast currents of work that demanded our brain power and stamina at a completely different level than any of our previous higher education ventures. The new expectations at this work level took its toll emotionally and physically. We had to figure out how to coordinate two busy schedules to get things done at home while taking care of ourselves and our growing marriage.

As we worked hard to establish ourselves in our careers, we had to stop and examine our together identity. Were we spending quality time together? Were we taking the time to check in with one another? Were we both contributing to house work? Many times we've had to put our heads down and grind through the long stretches of being apart and just get stuff done when things needed to be done. One thing I really admire about Craig is his grit. I've never seen someone work without complaint like he has, and short cuts are not his thing.

Also when starting out, we had the awkward growing pains of remembering the "we" in everything. Every decision was now for "us" not "me" or "you". This was especially true for finances. We've read a lot of books on finance during these past two years and came to realize that this would only truly work if we treated all money as "ours". While we still struggle with agreeing on a monthly budget (thanks to Amazon), we have at least decided that it would be a shared struggle. Coming together like that wasn't easy, and it's still hard, but we continue to work hard as a team.

Since being married these past two years, Craig's work schedule and responsibilities have grown which has continued to stretch thin his time at home. I have started 3 different jobs and have finally landed where I'll be for awhile. Starting a new job is on the list of most stressful life events and I've done it 3 times since we got married. Every month or two Craig is on a new surgical rotation requiring him to learn a new skill set which is comparable to getting a new job every few months. We are learning information at an intense rate and have not reached "comfortable" quite yet. I don't expect comfort and confidence to be there yet, we just started, but it doesn't make it easy.

So we checked the wedding, starter home, and jobs off on our list. Then we decided that we would start trying for a family once we were in the clear of year 2 of residency. We didn't know that our journey to parenthood would include two miscarriages in a row. Another hurdle...but this time it was one that wrecked my heart. Both happened at a time when I was new to a job. I've had the experience of crying in the offices of two new bosses so that I could ask to have a day or two to grieve at home. When you're trying to put your best foot forward and impress your leadership, it's incredibly hard to be vulnerable even though your heart is aching. But I had to. I had to be vulnerable because there was no way I could keep all of that in and do a good job for the people I serve without taking care of myself first. And that meant approaching my respectable leaders with an open heart and my raw experiences. I'm so grateful because I was met with hugs, kind words, and excused time off. That's grace in its finest hour. I'm so grateful not just to work for good leadership, but just all around good people. I want to be that kind of leader.

So what did the miscarriages do to our marriage? I want to say that we were completely comforted by one another. But we weren't. (I shared this in a previous blog post, but I'll repeat some of it here for the sake of relevance to this post.) Craig wanted to pick up and move on. I wanted to stop and feel the emotions and just sit with that pain because I couldn't keep it down and away. I'm a therapist for crying out loud...this is what I do with people every day. I help people come face-to-face with their pain for the purposes of healing. So for me, there was no other way of dealing with it except to work through it, not past it. I'm not bashing my husband for how he dealt with it. I'm just trying to illustrate for you the differences in how people in a marriage deal with pain and how important it is to pay attention to these differences. Eventually we spent time talking about our feelings and met with professionals who comforted us by acknowledging the normalcy of our differences.

In the past two years, we've had fights that have brought us to tears. One thing that I'm so happy for is that we have this unspoken agreement that name-calling and cursing is completely unacceptable when we fight, and we've never crossed that. We don't always get along, but we have this deep respect for one another that allows us to stay away from that junk. What we have been working on is coming together to apologize and to admit when we are wrong. This one is so hard...so so hard. When I feel that I'm right, I don't want to apologize. But what I've learned is that apologizing isn't giving in and foregoing my beliefs. No, see apologizing is a humble practice that allows you to love another person more fully because it says, "hey, I'm sorry if I hurt your feelings. I want to connect with you, not fight." Apologizing gives me peace and it humbles me to admit that I'm not right about everything (I'm close though! lol). But for real, next time you fight, apologize to your husband or wife, people. I promise it will help your relationship and your heart.

Lately, I've seen a few shared articles on social media that challenge the point of being married because studies have shown that marriage does not make you happier. You know what I think? Those studies are right! Marriage does not bring you more happiness. It is not a guaranteed level of happiness once you say your vows and sign that legal paper binding you together. But this is the problem...if you're getting married to be happier then you're going to be extremely disappointed. They are studying the wrong question. I got married because I wanted someone to walk with me through the good, the bad, and the ugly. I wanted someone who I could grow up with and experience new together. I wanted to feel joy with someone. To me, joy is a much deeper construct than happiness. Joy is a result of the good and the bad. I'd much rather have that than be pulled into the lie that one person can bring you all this daily happiness. That is too much of an expectation for one person. No one is responsible for that except for you, but joy is something shared and cultivated together. Yep, that's what I want-JOY.

When I look back, it's amazing all that has happened in the past two years. We've spent 730 days as husband and wife and it feels like not enough time for all that has happened. I'm so grateful for our marriage. I'm joyous that I get to experience a deep love, an imperfect love-one that is forgiving and uplifting even in the hard times. Something our Pastor said during our ceremony that stuck with me is this:

"Marriage requires love, and teaches love. It is an adventure."-Pastor Priggie

 

Spot on.

 

Happy 2nd Anniversary my dearest love, Craig. I can't wait to see how the rest of our story unfolds.



 

With love,

Keena 

Love Yourself First

Hello friends and happy Thursday!

I’m on a theme here with writing about the littles in my family so I’m stickin’ with that today as well. Last time I wrote about my first-born nephew, Samuel in remembrance of his 5^th birthday. Now I find myself inspired to write about my niece Mira who’s about to turn 4 in two weeks-something that I can’t wrap my mind around. I thought of her because I was in a conversation with my older sister (Mira’s momma) and we were talking about unconditional love and encouragement. Our conversations are known to get deep! I love our sisterly talks so much-what a blessing they are to me!

Today we were talking about how uncommon it is for people to practice unconditional love and encouragement. We are only truly happy with others if they are acting, doing, and speaking how we think they should. These are conditions, or expectations we have of others that get in the way of us extending our love to one another.  It’s hard for us to love people just as they are…unless you’re Mira. Because that girl loves everyone and I want to share (or proudly brag) about her beautiful gifts.

Lots of children are loving, kind, and caring…there’s a pureness to children that we all can admire. As we get older, we realize the brokenness of the world and it becomes a fight to love as deeply as children do. Mira has this gift like most children…but her level of love, encouragement, and gratitude is strikingly abundant when you meet her at just 3 years young. I’ve never been around a child that could lift your heart in the ways she can. As a student of child development, I’ve learned that children her age are very egocentric. In other words, children mostly care about themselves. Perspective-taking is something they have not yet mastered. It’s natural and all children have some level of egocentrism. Mira makes me question if she’s only 3 because her compassion for others is undeniable.

Mira is always asking “you okay?”. She notices when others get hurt and is quick to kiss any owies and then asks “you better?”. She wants to know that you’re okay. If I could bottle up her sweet voice and play it on the hard days, I would. Her attentiveness to those hurting is such a gift. She’s always coming up to me and saying “Aunt Keena, Augie is sad. She’s so sad.” I always tell her that Augie (my beagle pup) is happy and then Mira will perk up. I’m not sure why she’s always telling me that my dog is sad, but maybe she senses something that I don’t. Maybe she wants Augie to feel included too. Either way, her focus on feelings points to her caring soul-one that isn’t self-focused. She’s watching and she wants others around her to feel good. As adults, how often are we taking the time to acknowledge each other’s pain? Are we seeing the hurt around us? Are we offering words of encouragement? Are we celebrating the good times with one another?

That’s the other thing she’s so good at. She has the beautiful gift of encouragement. Gosh she’s so good! If you want to feel good about yourself, you need a hang-out date with this little girl. Last weekend she came up to me and said, “Aunt Keena, you’re so pretty” and then she hugged me. She’s always giving the biggest compliments. One time when I had her at my house she said, “you’re the best ever Aunt Keena”.

*Cue the tears and the BIG heart melt.*

Seriously, she knows how to make me feel so good about myself. And the reason she can do this is because she loves herself. Mira practices what we therapists call positive self-talk. In other words, she’s so nice to herself! The things you will hear Mira say includes:

“I so gorgeous!”, “I so smart”, and “wook at me, I so strong!”.

She believes all these good things about herself. She doesn’t ask “am I prettier than her?” or say “I’m not smart enough”. How often do we compare ourselves to others? How often do we put ourselves down? I’m guessing we do this a lot. And when we do this self-shaming, we can’t begin to love others unconditionally because we have conditions for ourselves. Self-love has to come first. It is the key that lets us love others. It is the main ingredient of kindness. It allows us to celebrate ourselves and others knowing that there’s enough appreciation and love to go around for all of us. We forget that as adults. The lack of self-love leads us to compare beauty and success. But when you can celebrate your own gifts, you gain the freedom to celebrate others’. She thinks she’s gorgeous and that you’re gorgeous too and that both are to be celebrated. She can see the pure beauty in everything and everyone.

My prayer is that she always loves herself in this way. Because her self-love is a mirror to how she feels about those around her. As her Aunt I promise to help protect and nurture her level of self-love as the brokenness of the world will test and threaten her self-worth. Another girl will be mean to her and call her names and it will shake her. My hope is that her self-love will persevere in those moments and that she will be able to extend love to others who are less secure with themselves. (And then she will tell Aunt Keena who will then hunt this person down!) Just kidding…but for real.

As a therapist, I help people piece back together their self-worth every day. There is such a lack of self-love and let me tell ya-it’s destructive. What sweet little Mira has taught me is this: unconditional love starts with yourself.  When you encourage yourself, you can start to encourage those around you. You start to forget about comparisons and expectations which allows you to simply love.

Mira blesses me all the time with her overflowing love. I strive to be like her every day. Yep, I want to be more like the little girl who’s been on this earth 23 years less than I have. She’s amazing. If you’ve never met her, here’s the sweet little face I’ve been talking about.

(Photo Credit: Rachel Lynda Photography)

 

Her love is radiant and contagious. May we all love ourselves and others like she does!

In light of her upcoming 4th birthday I'm sharing our first picture together. I love you sweet baby girl!

With love,
Aunt Keena