The first month or so of marriage was pretty great! We started it off in Hawaii soaking up the sun and living in a blissful honeymoon! Shortly after, we bought our first home together and started to enjoy the freedoms of home owning even though it was a huge learning curve on the topics of escrow, interest rates, property tax, loan types, ect., but we still enjoyed the experience. That next month we both started our new jobs-Craig started as an orthopedic surgery resident, and I began my career as a consultant over children's mental health programs. We jumped into some pretty fast currents of work that demanded our brain power and stamina at a completely different level than any of our previous higher education ventures. The new expectations at this work level took its toll emotionally and physically. We had to figure out how to coordinate two busy schedules to get things done at home while taking care of ourselves and our growing marriage.
As we worked hard to establish ourselves in our careers, we had to stop and examine our together identity. Were we spending quality time together? Were we taking the time to check in with one another? Were we both contributing to house work? Many times we've had to put our heads down and grind through the long stretches of being apart and just get stuff done when things needed to be done. One thing I really admire about Craig is his grit. I've never seen someone work without complaint like he has, and short cuts are not his thing.
Also when starting out, we had the awkward growing pains of remembering the "we" in everything. Every decision was now for "us" not "me" or "you". This was especially true for finances. We've read a lot of books on finance during these past two years and came to realize that this would only truly work if we treated all money as "ours". While we still struggle with agreeing on a monthly budget (thanks to Amazon), we have at least decided that it would be a shared struggle. Coming together like that wasn't easy, and it's still hard, but we continue to work hard as a team.
Since being married these past two years, Craig's work schedule and responsibilities have grown which has continued to stretch thin his time at home. I have started 3 different jobs and have finally landed where I'll be for awhile. Starting a new job is on the list of most stressful life events and I've done it 3 times since we got married. Every month or two Craig is on a new surgical rotation requiring him to learn a new skill set which is comparable to getting a new job every few months. We are learning information at an intense rate and have not reached "comfortable" quite yet. I don't expect comfort and confidence to be there yet, we just started, but it doesn't make it easy.
So we checked the wedding, starter home, and jobs off on our list. Then we decided that we would start trying for a family once we were in the clear of year 2 of residency. We didn't know that our journey to parenthood would include two miscarriages in a row. Another hurdle...but this time it was one that wrecked my heart. Both happened at a time when I was new to a job. I've had the experience of crying in the offices of two new bosses so that I could ask to have a day or two to grieve at home. When you're trying to put your best foot forward and impress your leadership, it's incredibly hard to be vulnerable even though your heart is aching. But I had to. I had to be vulnerable because there was no way I could keep all of that in and do a good job for the people I serve without taking care of myself first. And that meant approaching my respectable leaders with an open heart and my raw experiences. I'm so grateful because I was met with hugs, kind words, and excused time off. That's grace in its finest hour. I'm so grateful not just to work for good leadership, but just all around good people. I want to be that kind of leader.
So what did the miscarriages do to our marriage? I want to say that we were completely comforted by one another. But we weren't. (I shared this in a previous blog post, but I'll repeat some of it here for the sake of relevance to this post.) Craig wanted to pick up and move on. I wanted to stop and feel the emotions and just sit with that pain because I couldn't keep it down and away. I'm a therapist for crying out loud...this is what I do with people every day. I help people come face-to-face with their pain for the purposes of healing. So for me, there was no other way of dealing with it except to work through it, not past it. I'm not bashing my husband for how he dealt with it. I'm just trying to illustrate for you the differences in how people in a marriage deal with pain and how important it is to pay attention to these differences. Eventually we spent time talking about our feelings and met with professionals who comforted us by acknowledging the normalcy of our differences.
In the past two years, we've had fights that have brought us to tears. One thing that I'm so happy for is that we have this unspoken agreement that name-calling and cursing is completely unacceptable when we fight, and we've never crossed that. We don't always get along, but we have this deep respect for one another that allows us to stay away from that junk. What we have been working on is coming together to apologize and to admit when we are wrong. This one is so hard...so so hard. When I feel that I'm right, I don't want to apologize. But what I've learned is that apologizing isn't giving in and foregoing my beliefs. No, see apologizing is a humble practice that allows you to love another person more fully because it says, "hey, I'm sorry if I hurt your feelings. I want to connect with you, not fight." Apologizing gives me peace and it humbles me to admit that I'm not right about everything (I'm close though! lol). But for real, next time you fight, apologize to your husband or wife, people. I promise it will help your relationship and your heart.
Lately, I've seen a few shared articles on social media that challenge the point of being married because studies have shown that marriage does not make you happier. You know what I think? Those studies are right! Marriage does not bring you more happiness. It is not a guaranteed level of happiness once you say your vows and sign that legal paper binding you together. But this is the problem...if you're getting married to be happier then you're going to be extremely disappointed. They are studying the wrong question. I got married because I wanted someone to walk with me through the good, the bad, and the ugly. I wanted someone who I could grow up with and experience new together. I wanted to feel joy with someone. To me, joy is a much deeper construct than happiness. Joy is a result of the good and the bad. I'd much rather have that than be pulled into the lie that one person can bring you all this daily happiness. That is too much of an expectation for one person. No one is responsible for that except for you, but joy is something shared and cultivated together. Yep, that's what I want-JOY.
When I look back, it's amazing all that has happened in the past two years. We've spent 730 days as husband and wife and it feels like not enough time for all that has happened. I'm so grateful for our marriage. I'm joyous that I get to experience a deep love, an imperfect love-one that is forgiving and uplifting even in the hard times. Something our Pastor said during our ceremony that stuck with me is this:
"Marriage requires love, and teaches love. It is an adventure."-Pastor Priggie
Spot on.
Happy 2nd Anniversary my dearest love, Craig. I can't wait to see how the rest of our story unfolds.
With love,
Keena
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