Ms. B: “Hi there, your
dog is cute, can you walk mine?”
My first impression was that this was a strange request to a
stranger. Me: “uhhh, Hi.” (I didn’t know what to say lol).
Ms. B: “Just kidding, my neighbor offered to do it for me. I just feel so bad that I can’t walk my dog anymore. Can I meet your dog?”
Me: “sure…”
I walked Augie up to this lady who looked even smaller and frailer
up close. She sat down and began lovin’ on Augie. As I was getting ready to
pull Augie away and continue our walk, (I was running late for work), she said,
“I hope you never get breast cancer. Look…one
of my teeth just fell out this week. How can I face anyone?”
I was not prepared for this conversation, but it was clear
that she was yearning to talk to someone about what she was going through. She
explained to me that she was an attorney who had to quit practicing because she
couldn’t do her job very well anymore due to chemotherapy. She was sad because she
couldn’t walk her dog as much. She told me that she never could have imagined
what going through breast cancer would’ve been like…and then it happened. Woman
to woman, I felt her pain, yet couldn’t imagine her grief. More so, I could
sense that she was lonely. I have no
idea if she is/was married or had a close support network, but even when you
do, pain shrinks your world. I’ve never experienced cancer or any terminal illness, but the way I can relate to pain lately is through my pregnancy losses. I understand what it feels like to crave connection during difficult times. I know what it’s like to be ignored and not heard. I understand that it hurts when the world keeps moving as if nothing is wrong when you’re aching so much inside and no one knows it. Or worse, if others do know it, they ignore it. I was left wondering if that’s how she felt. Her feelings just started tumbling out as if she couldn’t stop them. That’s what happens when you long for connection.
I felt conflicted because I didn’t want to be rude, but I
needed to be on my way. I quickly realized that there was no way that I could
cut her off and keep walking. It just didn’t feel right. So, I stayed. She
wanted our dogs to meet and she wanted to feed Augie treats (Augie didn’t
complain). But I think what she really wanted was some of my time. I helped her
up by holding onto her arm and waist and walked with her to the gate so our
puppies could meet. I could feel her physical weakness and she praised my
youthful strength. Unfortunately, Augie was not a fan of her dog, but the woman
was thrilled with their interaction.
After talking for a while, she extended
her hand and shook mine and asked me my name. She wished me a good day, and I said
the same. I went on my way and thought about her the rest of my walk home. I
immediately offered up thanks for my health, but also prayed that this lady I met
would experience healing, both physically and emotionally. All I could think of
was what a harrowing journey she’s traveling. I just hope that she’s not
traveling it alone. It is hard to be open with the rawness of our struggles,
but at some point, we just have to stop trying to bear it alone.
The current book I’m reading is called “Option B” written by
Sheryl Sandberg and Adam Grant-it’s so great. They discuss this need to be “okay”
despite our struggles. They referenced the work of psychologist David Caruso
when explaining this phenomenon. He explained, “all over the world, there is cultural pressure to conceal negative
emotions.” And further, “there’s this
relentless drive to mask the expression of our true underlying feelings. Admitting
that you’re having a rough time is almost inappropriate.” We’ve all felt
this right? I know I have.
I’ve heard repeatedly in personal relationships as well as
from my clients that emotions and struggles are not to be shared. Where in the world did this lie come from?? Almost
everyone who connected with me on pregnancy loss expressed that they wish they
hadn’t kept it to themselves. Why you ask? Because
it was unbearable. Pushing away pain does not banish it nor lessen it.
Without care, it festers on our soul. And I believe that the only remedy is connection.
I chose to connect with someone today who desperately needed
listened to. That’s the greatest gift we can give anyone. Listen, connect, and
hear someone’s story. You never know who you’re going to meet or what
fascinating story you’ll be missing if you choose to walk away. Next time you see
someone struggling or if it seems like they want to talk, simply ask, “how are you today?” And then not let
the answer “good” suffice. Ask even if you’re uncomfortable. And if you’re
being asked, give them the real answer. There’s a difference between
complaining and being honest about where you’re at. I’m working on being the
question asker and giving honest answers when asked. There is no shame in that,
only the possibility for connection. So, my sweet friends: How are you today? Really though, how are you?
I’m here for you.
With love,
Keena
Keena
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