Hello Monday...and Anxiety

Happy Monday folks! I can tell it’s a Monday based on all of the mishaps of the day. Today’s mishaps include: the dog ripping out the garbage can all over the floor (for the hundredth time), my hubby addressing a card to the wrong person forcing me to tell said hubby (a very tired one at that) what he did and seeing his face drop in defeat, and having the realization that I had not meal prepped or grocery shopped and had nothing in the fridge to feed my family for the week. I have sticky notes on my phone and all over my desk at work with endless to-dos. I spent my lunch break on the phone with insurance and my doctor’s office while scarfing down leftover pizza that ultimately resulted in awful heartburn that I payed for for the rest of the work day. And while this was going on, I could feel my anxiety rising bit by bit. I feel anxiety very strongly in my body. My senses become overwhelmed and my throat tightens as if I have a sore throat coming on. For those who have never struggled with anxiety, it is a physical and emotional feeling. It can be too much. If you don’t take a step back, it can run you over. I’ve let it run me over, but not today.

I have always had anxiety throughout my life and have learned more about how I experience it over the years. When I was in college, I noticed that I would literally break out in hives every time I was nervous. Every single time. I wore scarves and shirts that completely covered my chest to hide it. I went to great lengths to hide my discomfort and anxiety. This continued all through graduate school and into my first job out of school. Oddly enough, this has not happened to me in a long time. Not because I haven’t had anxiety, because trust me, it comes and goes. I’m not sure why I don’t break out in hives anymore, but I feel it in other ways that I never have before. For instance, the tightening feeling in my throat is new and also uncomfortable. All of this to say-I struggle with anxiety, folks. But I am more at peace with it now than I ever have been. Like I explain to patients, the goal is not to NEVER experience anxiety. The goal is to manage it and deal with it in healthy ways when it does happen. Anxiety is not all bad. It motivates us in healthy ways, but often we experience it in really unhealthy ways. I will always have to work on how I deal with anxiety.

As I re-read my list of mishaps that I first typed out, I realize that there are way worse things going on in the world than that. But this is exactly how anxiety works! We build things up in our head and compile it to a point where it isn’t manageable. There will always be a to-do list and it will always get more intense with every new responsibility. Currently the to-do list we have to complete prior to Abel’s birth is just not feasible. The fact is, Abel won’t care one bit if his nursery is not 100% completed. It’s his momma who cares. But why? I have realized that I put way too much pressure on myself to do everything perfectly. Ugh, I hate that word. But man oh man, it’s truly something that I do struggle with. My personal work with anxiety is learning how to not let it consume me and being okay with doing my best each day. There will always be work to do, and I’m working on being okay with ending each day with peace about that. I’m always going to be pulled in a million different directions, and something has to give. Life will always be a balancing act and I’ll have to be intentional about what my focus is for each day.

I did not intend for this post to be about my struggle with anxiety, but clearly I needed to get that off of my chest! What I really wanted to write about is my upcoming work on revamping my blog! I’m currently researching a new web platform as well as re-shaping the structure and content of my blogs. I still want to write about day to day stuff as well as the big stuff going on in my life, but I also want a space where I can organize my thoughts, ideas, and creations. I plan to include different sections including: food and new recipes, health and fitness, and my recommended book list just to name a few. I feel like my ideas are all over the place and I want to streamline it so I can go back and easily find stuff. As you have probably come to know, I’m a pretty open book. I like to share because I love when others share their stories with me. I’ve also enjoyed hearing feedback from you all who follow my blog. It’s been fun writing and sharing life with you, and I’m excited to share it with you in a more organized way. Anyway, I’m not sure when my new blog will be ready, but hopefully soon! It’s on my to-do list 😊 lol!

Now it is time to rest. Good night friends!

With love,
Keena

Promotion! Promotion!

Yes, you read the blog title right-I’m getting a promotion! I’m super excited about this opportunity and I’ve been looking forward to it for a long time! The company benefits include: no PTO, no pay, sleepless nights, and no bonuses or raises. If you haven’t quite figured it out yet, the promotion I’m referring to is stay-at-home mommy (SAHM). While I will no longer be receiving the standard benefits that a career affords, I will be gaining much richer benefits that have no monetary value. I can’t wait to jump into this next phase of life!

For those who know me, you might find yourself surprised by my decision. I’ve been in the workforce non-stop since I was 15 years old. I started with serving ice cream cones at the small diner in my hometown. I then upgraded to a video store that I loved working at. It happened to have the best name ever, which was Cramm-It-N-Go Video and later changed to the name Sun, Fun and Frolic. Clearly not the best name choices, but it was a valuable work experience! I’ve always had the blessing of having steady employment, and every new job brought greater experiences (and higher pay). I worked my way up the ladder so to speak, and I can wholeheartedly say that I worked my butt off to be where I’m at. I’m also a feminist at heart. I believe in empowering and celebrating female leaders in the workforce. I think this passion of mine is one reason why I have worked so hard. Not because I felt the need to prove myself to anyone, but I needed to prove myself to me. I wanted to see what I was capable of. While this has always motivated me, I also have a deep desire to be a full-time mother to my sweet little boy.

Like I said, I’ve always had jobs-good jobs at that. When I graduated from graduate school, I had a wonderful opportunity working as a contractor for the State. I helped design mental health programs, provided support to community partners, and assisted families directly when needed. I dabbled in web design to provide the community with new and improved tools for clinical purposes. I met with State and National leaders in mental health. I led meetings with some of the most influential policy makers in the State of Illinois. When I took that job, my boss told me that he’d make sure I’d earn my keep. He held true to his word, and I worked hard to earn that money. Eventually, everything came to a head and I found myself incredibly unhappy. In fact, it’s fair to say that I was downright miserable. While I was getting to do cool things and learning so much and earning an admirable salary for someone fresh out of grad school, something was not adding up. My cup was running empty and I was running out of ways to fill it up.

I was working many hours and traveling quite a bit. I was not satisfied with my work environment and I took a lot of it home with me. While I was doing my thing, Craig was busy doing his. As I’ve talked about before, residency is another ball game. Our time together is limited and often times stressful because we still have to deal with life stuff that isn’t always easy. At this point in the game, I was running myself down quickly and it showed at home. For the past 11 months, I've been working in direct clinical work as a therapist. This is another demanding job that can be draining at times.

What I’ve learned about running successful organizations is that it’s all about risk management. Sometimes you have to cut spending to grow the company. Sometimes you have to move people around in positions to cover all of the job duties. This is representative of our household. We had to cut spending due to one less salary so I could stay home. I went from caring for hundreds of individuals and their families in the community to focusing on my own. It was put in my heart to make this decision, and until God tells me otherwise, this is what I’ve been preparing for all along. The skills I learned in the workforce made me tough, resilient, and responsible, all of which are requirements of running a household. I know my worth, and I know what’s important to me. I went out and studied different work environments, I learned my passions. I learned about my strengths and weaknesses, and I gained self-awareness. I learned that money isn’t everything. I’ve made good money and have been so very unhappy.

 

So the point is, I needed those experiences to get where I’m at today. I’ve learned to walk away from what doesn’t fill my cup so that I can embrace what fills my soul. I’m not giving up or backing down. I’m not compromising my career. I was being prepped all along for the most important job of my life, which is motherhood. To me, it’s all about perspective. If you view staying home as depressing and unimportant then surly it will be that way. I spent the past 5 years providing care to hundreds of individuals and their families in my community and now it’s time to turn that focus to my own. I truly believe that creating good people begins right in your own home. I can’t change the world’s ills, but I can certainly add the people who are going to help guide our world to a better place by raising them with love in my home. To me, there’s no greater opportunity or responsibility.

A previous supervisor of mine once told me that I would lose productivity and consequently ruin my career if I had children. I’m embarrassed to say this, but for a hot second, I thought this person might be right. I let this person cloud much of what I knew and believed to be true for the sake of “being successful”. Thankfully, I’ve learned to follow my heart and do what I believe is the right thing to do. In the end, paid work will always be there. I have no doubt that when and if I decide to return to my career that there will be something great waiting for me. I will focus on that life change when that time comes.

As always, I will leave you with one of my favorite quotes by my home girl Brene Brown. In her new book titled, Braving the Wilderness: The Quest for True Belonging and the Courage to Stand Alone, she writes, “True belonging doesn’t require us to change who we are; it requires us to be who we are”. This reminder drives me to do what’s in my heart. And right now, that’s being a mother. I can’t wait for our adventure with little Abel. We are excited for you my love!

With love,

Keena