An Aunt’s Perspective: Remembering Samuel David Mugford

Today would’ve been my sweet nephew’s 5^th birthday. Samuel David Mugford entered and left this world within one short hour after birth. I remember this day five years ago like it was yesterday. Time has healed hearts, but his memory never leaves. I witnessed every part of his life, and my heart is grateful for my time spent with him. I want to share his life with you from my eyes as his Aunt. This is my account of this day five short years ago…

Five years ago, I was a senior in college and was busy preparing for my next step in life. I was figuring out graduate school and moving three hours away from home. One day during that time, I remember my mom called me right before class and gave me the news that my sister and brother-in-law had received at their five month doctor’s appointment. She told me that the baby boy my sister was carrying was sick, and it didn’t look promising. I had no idea how to process that. I had no words…only tears. I debated on going to class and ultimately decided to go. I felt numb and could not get myself to participate in that class. I know that may seem strange that I went to class, but when bad news comes, it’s common that grief hits later. Plus, my sister and brother-in-law lived close to eight hours away from me at the time so I could not jump in my car and rush to them like I wanted to.

I called my sister after that class and when I dialed I had no idea what I was going to say. So, all I said was “I’m so sorry” and we cried. That’s all that needed to be said. What do you say to someone who has just found out her baby is sick with low chances of survival? What I know now is that there are no perfect words, but saying nothing would be a lot worse. I get this more now than ever after having gone through two miscarriages and having family or close friends go on without saying a word. Yes people, it hurts more than you know. Because when you go through pain, your world starts to feel pretty small. I imagine that’s how Sam’s parents felt.

I continued to move through the last few hoops of college as I nervously awaited Sam’s arrival. I was told that he could be born at any time given that he was sick so I always had my phone right next to me. Selfishly, I had hoped he would come at a convenient time for me because I also did not want to miss out on any last college memories. I’m being completely honest and it sounds selfish, I know…so I ask for grace as I continue. I remember talking over travel details and how I’d make up classes, finals, and last minute college grad to-dos with my mom. She was working hard to arrange for us all to be there for Sam’s birth. I’ll never forget what I’m about to tell you next and trust me, I have shame for it. I remember calling my sister at this point and asking her how she felt if I didn’t come. I know…how terrible of me. I was so caught up in my own world that I thought I could skip out and just get the pictures. All she said to me was this, “if you can live with knowing you missed this, then okay”. She didn’t shame me. She was being real with me. I thought it over, but didn’t quite yet know what I was going to do.

I think back now and wonder if I was trying to protect myself as well because of the deep sadness that I knew would come. Had I gone or stayed, deep sadness would’ve been the outcome regardless. As it turned out, Samuel showed signs of arrival as my parents and I were at my senior sorority parent’s brunch. I was so excited for this brunch because it marked the finale of my college years. Right as we sat down to eat, my mom got the call from my sister. It was time. I don’t think we’ve ever moved that fast. We walked quickly (almost running) to the car and drove home and packed bags within minutes and hit the road for the eight hour drive it took to get to Ann Arbor, Michigan. I’ve NEVER seen my mom drive that fast. We literally flew there with little stops and made it in time to watch what was one of the most impactful moments of my life.

We got to the hospital in the afternoon with plenty of time because Sam was not born until 3:20 am the next morning. The rush was worth it though! Turns out, babies come on their own time! My sister and brother-in-law decided to let everyone into the birthing room because they didn’t know how long they would have with baby Sam. After several hours of waiting, praying, and talking…Sam decided it was time. I was standing behind the doctors so that I could watch everything. There is nothing more miraculous than watching a baby be birthed. Hands down coolest thing ever and it gave me an appreciation for the woman’s body. How awesome is all I can say! My sister was a champ and even joked and laughed during birth…how amazing even when she knew her sweet baby wouldn’t stay for long. She rocks, that’s all I can say.

Sam came out and was immediately taken to a table by a team of doctors to be examined. I’ll never forget what I heard next…his sweet sweet baby cries. He cried and my heart leapt because I had hope that he might make it. After examining him, the doctors then swaddled him and gave him to my sister. There was nothing they could do…expect for his family to pour love over him. I stopped and looked around…it was a busy rush but I noticed the tears on those nurse’s faces as they continued to busily work. Bless their hearts…that is a job I do not envy. The doctor also waited in the room and gave time before he officially announced Sam’s time of death. All hearts broke into a million pieces in that moment. He lived for an hour, but he gave me a lifetime of gratitude and appreciation for life. I know he did the same for others as well. His testimony still lives.

I learned that hospitals give grieving parents as much time as they need with their baby before they take them away. I’m grateful for this. I watched him get bathed and dressed like any other baby would. I laid in the hospital bed with my sister and my sweet nephew between us. I kissed, loved, and cuddled a dead baby. I’m not trying to be crude when I use the word “dead”, but he was and it shows the depth of my experience. I never even stopped to think that I was kissing a dead baby. It was not weird at all because that’s what deep love does. After several hours, it was time to go…my sister was being released from the hospital. Sam was carried away in a white, satin lined basket. Watching her put him in there to have strangers take him away broke my heart even more. My heart broke more when I watched her get into the car without a baby carrier in tow. I was breaking inside for her and my brother-in-law.

I am so happy that I decided to show up that day. I’m grateful that my selfish wants were softened so that I could be there fully for this very important day. Sam lives on in my heart and the hearts of everyone who knows my wonderful sister and brother-in-law. Their story helps others experiencing similar grief today. Their experience gave me hope for my own grief in having lost two pregnancies through miscarriage. Their strength gives me strength.

In closing, I want to share with you my most favorite picture of me and my sweet nephew Samuel David Mugford. You are in my heart always. Happy 5^th Heavenly birthday sweet angel.

 





If you want to watch their beautiful story, click the link below. It's worth watching!

https://vimeo.com/cedarcreek/review/49570112/9241561506

With love,

Aunt Keena

Finding Joy on the Hard Days

Today is a hard day. It’s the kind of day that makes me want to curl up in my bed, sleep and forget all of my troubles. Ya know what I’m talking about? I’m sure most of you can think back to a day where this has happened and you struggled to see anything good about the day that lay ahead. The good news is that you and I are not alone! I’m learning to cope with these days, and I want to share with you how I’ve been handling this not so favorite day of mine.

A couple of weeks ago I shared that I was going through a miscarriage at 6 weeks pregnant. It’s still pretty raw for me with the little time that has passed, but I can feel my heart being healed. Since then, I’ve started a new job which has helped keep me busy and less focused on my broken heart. But make no mistake, the hurt is not gone. I feel it at night when I’m laying my head down on my pillow and saying my prayers. I feel it in the quiet or when a heartfelt song plays on the radio. I feel it when I see all the pregnant mamas out and about. I felt it when a woman who knew nothing about what I was going through stated out of frustration “you should never have kids”. She was dealing with a difficult situation with her own child, but it hurt to hear that. I really felt the sadness when I went to my OB appointment today to discuss everything with my doctor. When I checked in the receptionist asked “are you doing your sonogram first today?”. An innocent mistake made…but it stabbed my heart. The tears just started right then and there. I’m so grateful my sweet husband was standing by my side and just took me into his arms.

We had a helpful appointment with the doctor. She answered many of our questions and was able to put our minds at ease. She said things that I really needed to hear. When we left, I was still crying because I so badly wanted to be walking out with a picture of our baby. Instead, I was leaving with a handful of Kleenex.  I feel like my doctor is a great cheerleader for us and her confidence and tenderness only helped us in this difficult time. I love it when you come across a healthcare provider like this…I know I strive to be that way with the people I serve.

Although today has been hard on my heart, I know that there is still goodness and joy in today. While my joy did not come in the form that I had hoped, it came in other forms. Today is not even over, but I already have a lot of goodness that I want to share with you! I’m surrounded by joy and love and I want to take time to appreciate all that I’ve been blessed with. I hope you enjoy the pictures of what I'm grateful for today!

I told Augie to sniff on our lovely morning walk...

She decided to eat it instead lol

Her silliness brings me joy!

Out to lunch with my hubby after the doctor appointment.

Puffy eyes for me but such joy to share a meal with him!

I love spending time on the patio in

beautiful weather! I feel joy and complete comfort

when I'm in sunshine!

I get so much joy out of spending time in my garden

learning how to make things grow!

Fresh cut flowers for my new grace and

gratitude vase!

Flowers bring me so much joy!

 Yes today is hard. My heart is hurting and there have been tears, but I have been comforted by the goodness because I opened my eyes and looked around. There's always joy in the hard days, you just have to open your heart.

With love,
Keena

Hello my sweet friends. I’ve been absent from writing and posting for over a month now. A lot has been happening in my life this past month or so. My focus shifted so I could attend to my life matters and now I’m ready to sit down again and dig in to share my heart with you all.

In my last blog I shared that I had resigned from my position and had accepted a new job. Remember that? Okay, well long story short, there was a paperwork snafu that delayed my start date, which put me out of work for a month. Yep, I’ve had a whole month off. Parts of it have been great, but other parts not so much. I’m a busy body. I need things to do. I like going to work and being productive, so this has been hard for me. What I didn’t know was that this time off was a blessing in disguise…I had no idea what was awaiting me and why the time off would be so very important. Now let me share with you why…

I miscarried my baby at 6 weeks pregnant. This was my husband and I’s second loss in the past few months. This one was even harder. We were so excited and overjoyed when we found out I was pregnant again. We decided together that we would share the news with our families and close friends because we were so excited, but if something were to happen then we would have the support of our loved ones. I prepared little gifts to announce to our families. We had so much joy in telling them. Little did we know, one week later my body would decide that this wasn’t the one. I won’t get into all of the details, but let me say this, a miscarriage is very physically painful. I was curled up in pain all Friday night praying that it would stop. The pain came in constant waves and I squeezed my pillows until each wave passed. I woke my husband several times just so he would hold me and rub my belly. The pain didn’t stop until the following afternoon…that’s when I knew the baby had passed.

My miscarriage was confirmed through a blood test earlier today. I counted the minutes as I sat in the waiting room because I just wanted to get out of there. In my heart, I already knew what the blood results would reveal. I have cried so much these past few days that I am shocked I have any tears left. I feel foggy, slow, and drained. My heart hurts so very much. It’s amazing how big your dreams become for the little person growing inside you even when they are so very small. I was afraid to be excited in the beginning because we had already been through one loss, but my sister told me that there was no way that I could protect my heart even if something bad did happen. She was so right. At that point, I let it go and allowed myself to feel the joy of knowing we had made a baby. My husband and I talked every day about all the things we wanted for our child. Our hearts were so overjoyed.

I feel like there’s so much in my heart that I want to share. Not everything is making sense in my head right now. As I heal physically and emotionally, I’m sure I’ll be able to put my thoughts together for myself.

I want to share my gratitude to those who have poured love over me. I want to list these out because they are all so important to me and I am very thankful for everyone who’s supported us.

To my mom- Thank you for crying on the phone with me. I could feel your love through your tears. I literally couldn’t do life without you.

To my dad- Thank you for praying and for letting me know that you’d drop everything to be here with me. You’ll always be my #1 hero.

To my sisters-Thank you for the daily check-ins, your prayers and your love. I’m so grateful to share the ups and downs with you.

To my husband-oh my sweet husband…thank you for sharing life with me. Thank you for your constant love, hugs, and belly rubs at night. Thank you for not being afraid to buy pads at the store for me…that’s a manly thing to do for your wife.

To a good friend-thank you for doing my gift shopping for a baby shower I’m invited to. Thank you for stepping up and knowing exactly what my heart needed because you knew my heart couldn’t bear to stand in a baby aisle.

To my in-laws-thank you for your prayers, support and love. You help keep us going.

To our friends-thank you for loving both of us. We need you always.

To my sweet friends who have struggled with miscarriage, infertility, or any pregnancy loss- I want you to know that my heart is with you sweet sister. The pain is overwhelming. I’m not sure what motherhood looks like for me or you, but in whatever form it happens, it will be joyous. My heart is with you. You’re not alone. I’m not alone. I want to share part of a blog I read. I couldn’t find it again to give due credit, but it’s too good not to share anyway:

“I also felt something I did not expect: foolish. I felt foolish for being sad. I felt I did not have the right to grieve, because, as people would point out to me, “It was really early.”

And again, there is the problem with the 12-week rule. Because we are encouraged not to disclose our pregnancy until the twelfth week, there is an unfair assumption that we can’t really be excited about our pregnancy until then.

Let me make one thing very clear: You are allowed to feel however you want or need to feel when you find out you have a human life growing inside of you, no matter when you find out.

And while words like “viable” and “sustainable” are thrown at you in regards to the progression of your pregnancy, there is no line graph where the love you feel for life inside you increases with the number of weeks it gestates. Pregnant is pregnant. Loss is Loss.”

Our hearts will heal with time. I’m still grateful for the short time we were gifted with joy of our little one. I wanted to share the picture below because I never had the chance to. I put this together when I found out I was pregnant. I still treasure it greatly. We will always love our babies even though their journeys had barely begun.

With love,

Keena