Five years ago, I was a senior in college and was busy preparing for my next step in life. I was figuring out graduate school and moving three hours away from home. One day during that time, I remember my mom called me right before class and gave me the news that my sister and brother-in-law had received at their five month doctor’s appointment. She told me that the baby boy my sister was carrying was sick, and it didn’t look promising. I had no idea how to process that. I had no words…only tears. I debated on going to class and ultimately decided to go. I felt numb and could not get myself to participate in that class. I know that may seem strange that I went to class, but when bad news comes, it’s common that grief hits later. Plus, my sister and brother-in-law lived close to eight hours away from me at the time so I could not jump in my car and rush to them like I wanted to.
I called my sister after that class and when I dialed I had no idea what I was going to say. So, all I said was “I’m so sorry” and we cried. That’s all that needed to be said. What do you say to someone who has just found out her baby is sick with low chances of survival? What I know now is that there are no perfect words, but saying nothing would be a lot worse. I get this more now than ever after having gone through two miscarriages and having family or close friends go on without saying a word. Yes people, it hurts more than you know. Because when you go through pain, your world starts to feel pretty small. I imagine that’s how Sam’s parents felt.
I continued to move through the last few hoops of college as
I nervously awaited Sam’s arrival. I was told that he could be born at any time
given that he was sick so I always had my phone right next to me. Selfishly, I had
hoped he would come at a convenient time for me because I also did not want to
miss out on any last college memories. I’m being completely honest and it
sounds selfish, I know…so I ask for grace as I continue. I remember talking
over travel details and how I’d make up classes, finals, and last minute
college grad to-dos with my mom. She was working hard to arrange for us all to
be there for Sam’s birth. I’ll never forget what I’m about to tell you next and
trust me, I have shame for it. I remember calling my sister at this point and
asking her how she felt if I didn’t come. I know…how terrible of me. I was so
caught up in my own world that I thought I could skip out and just get the
pictures. All she said to me was this, “if you can live with knowing you missed
this, then okay”. She didn’t shame me. She was being real with me. I thought it
over, but didn’t quite yet know what I was going to do.
I think back now and wonder if I was trying to protect
myself as well because of the deep sadness that I knew would come. Had I gone
or stayed, deep sadness would’ve been the outcome regardless. As it turned out,
Samuel showed signs of arrival as my parents and I were at my senior sorority
parent’s brunch. I was so excited for this brunch because it marked the finale
of my college years. Right as we sat down to eat, my mom got the call from my
sister. It was time. I don’t think we’ve ever moved that fast. We walked
quickly (almost running) to the car and drove home and packed bags within minutes
and hit the road for the eight hour drive it took to get to Ann Arbor,
Michigan. I’ve NEVER seen my mom drive that fast. We literally flew there with
little stops and made it in time to watch what was one of the most impactful moments
of my life. We got to the hospital in the afternoon with plenty of time because Sam was not born until 3:20 am the next morning. The rush was worth it though! Turns out, babies come on their own time! My sister and brother-in-law decided to let everyone into the birthing room because they didn’t know how long they would have with baby Sam. After several hours of waiting, praying, and talking…Sam decided it was time. I was standing behind the doctors so that I could watch everything. There is nothing more miraculous than watching a baby be birthed. Hands down coolest thing ever and it gave me an appreciation for the woman’s body. How awesome is all I can say! My sister was a champ and even joked and laughed during birth…how amazing even when she knew her sweet baby wouldn’t stay for long. She rocks, that’s all I can say.
Sam came out and was immediately taken to a table by a team
of doctors to be examined. I’ll never forget what I heard next…his sweet sweet baby cries. He cried and
my heart leapt because I had hope that he might make it. After examining him,
the doctors then swaddled him and gave him to my sister. There was nothing they
could do…expect for his family to pour love over him. I stopped and looked
around…it was a busy rush but I noticed the tears on those nurse’s faces as
they continued to busily work. Bless their hearts…that is a job I do not envy.
The doctor also waited in the room and gave time before he officially announced
Sam’s time of death. All hearts broke into a million pieces in that moment. He
lived for an hour, but he gave me a lifetime of gratitude and appreciation for
life. I know he did the same for others as well. His testimony still lives.
I learned that hospitals give grieving parents as much time
as they need with their baby before they take them away. I’m grateful for this.
I watched him get bathed and dressed like any other baby would. I laid in the
hospital bed with my sister and my sweet nephew between us. I kissed, loved, and cuddled a dead baby.
I’m not trying to be crude when I use the word “dead”, but he was and it shows the
depth of my experience. I never even stopped to think that I was kissing a dead
baby. It was not weird at all because that’s what deep love does. After several
hours, it was time to go…my sister was being released from the hospital. Sam
was carried away in a white, satin lined basket. Watching her put him in there
to have strangers take him away broke my heart even more. My heart broke more
when I watched her get into the car without a baby carrier in tow. I was
breaking inside for her and my brother-in-law.
I am so happy that I decided to show up that day. I’m
grateful that my selfish wants were softened so that I could be there fully for
this very important day. Sam lives on in my heart and the hearts of everyone
who knows my wonderful sister and brother-in-law. Their story helps others
experiencing similar grief today. Their experience gave me hope for my own
grief in having lost two pregnancies through miscarriage. Their strength gives
me strength.
In closing, I want to share with you my most favorite
picture of me and my sweet nephew Samuel David Mugford. You are in my heart
always. Happy 5th Heavenly birthday sweet angel.
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