Hello my sweet friends. I’ve been absent from writing and posting for over a month now. A lot has been happening in my life this past month or so. My focus shifted so I could attend to my life matters and now I’m ready to sit down again and dig in to share my heart with you all.

In my last blog I shared that I had resigned from my position and had accepted a new job. Remember that? Okay, well long story short, there was a paperwork snafu that delayed my start date, which put me out of work for a month. Yep, I’ve had a whole month off. Parts of it have been great, but other parts not so much. I’m a busy body. I need things to do. I like going to work and being productive, so this has been hard for me. What I didn’t know was that this time off was a blessing in disguise…I had no idea what was awaiting me and why the time off would be so very important. Now let me share with you why…

I miscarried my baby at 6 weeks pregnant. This was my husband and I’s second loss in the past few months. This one was even harder. We were so excited and overjoyed when we found out I was pregnant again. We decided together that we would share the news with our families and close friends because we were so excited, but if something were to happen then we would have the support of our loved ones. I prepared little gifts to announce to our families. We had so much joy in telling them. Little did we know, one week later my body would decide that this wasn’t the one. I won’t get into all of the details, but let me say this, a miscarriage is very physically painful. I was curled up in pain all Friday night praying that it would stop. The pain came in constant waves and I squeezed my pillows until each wave passed. I woke my husband several times just so he would hold me and rub my belly. The pain didn’t stop until the following afternoon…that’s when I knew the baby had passed.

My miscarriage was confirmed through a blood test earlier today. I counted the minutes as I sat in the waiting room because I just wanted to get out of there. In my heart, I already knew what the blood results would reveal. I have cried so much these past few days that I am shocked I have any tears left. I feel foggy, slow, and drained. My heart hurts so very much. It’s amazing how big your dreams become for the little person growing inside you even when they are so very small. I was afraid to be excited in the beginning because we had already been through one loss, but my sister told me that there was no way that I could protect my heart even if something bad did happen. She was so right. At that point, I let it go and allowed myself to feel the joy of knowing we had made a baby. My husband and I talked every day about all the things we wanted for our child. Our hearts were so overjoyed.

I feel like there’s so much in my heart that I want to share. Not everything is making sense in my head right now. As I heal physically and emotionally, I’m sure I’ll be able to put my thoughts together for myself.

I want to share my gratitude to those who have poured love over me. I want to list these out because they are all so important to me and I am very thankful for everyone who’s supported us.

To my mom- Thank you for crying on the phone with me. I could feel your love through your tears. I literally couldn’t do life without you.

To my dad- Thank you for praying and for letting me know that you’d drop everything to be here with me. You’ll always be my #1 hero.

To my sisters-Thank you for the daily check-ins, your prayers and your love. I’m so grateful to share the ups and downs with you.

To my husband-oh my sweet husband…thank you for sharing life with me. Thank you for your constant love, hugs, and belly rubs at night. Thank you for not being afraid to buy pads at the store for me…that’s a manly thing to do for your wife.

To a good friend-thank you for doing my gift shopping for a baby shower I’m invited to. Thank you for stepping up and knowing exactly what my heart needed because you knew my heart couldn’t bear to stand in a baby aisle.

To my in-laws-thank you for your prayers, support and love. You help keep us going.

To our friends-thank you for loving both of us. We need you always.

To my sweet friends who have struggled with miscarriage, infertility, or any pregnancy loss- I want you to know that my heart is with you sweet sister. The pain is overwhelming. I’m not sure what motherhood looks like for me or you, but in whatever form it happens, it will be joyous. My heart is with you. You’re not alone. I’m not alone. I want to share part of a blog I read. I couldn’t find it again to give due credit, but it’s too good not to share anyway:

“I also felt something I did not expect: foolish. I felt foolish for being sad. I felt I did not have the right to grieve, because, as people would point out to me, “It was really early.”

And again, there is the problem with the 12-week rule. Because we are encouraged not to disclose our pregnancy until the twelfth week, there is an unfair assumption that we can’t really be excited about our pregnancy until then.

Let me make one thing very clear: You are allowed to feel however you want or need to feel when you find out you have a human life growing inside of you, no matter when you find out.

And while words like “viable” and “sustainable” are thrown at you in regards to the progression of your pregnancy, there is no line graph where the love you feel for life inside you increases with the number of weeks it gestates. Pregnant is pregnant. Loss is Loss.”

Our hearts will heal with time. I’m still grateful for the short time we were gifted with joy of our little one. I wanted to share the picture below because I never had the chance to. I put this together when I found out I was pregnant. I still treasure it greatly. We will always love our babies even though their journeys had barely begun.

With love,

Keena