Hello Monday...and Anxiety

Happy Monday folks! I can tell it’s a Monday based on all of the mishaps of the day. Today’s mishaps include: the dog ripping out the garbage can all over the floor (for the hundredth time), my hubby addressing a card to the wrong person forcing me to tell said hubby (a very tired one at that) what he did and seeing his face drop in defeat, and having the realization that I had not meal prepped or grocery shopped and had nothing in the fridge to feed my family for the week. I have sticky notes on my phone and all over my desk at work with endless to-dos. I spent my lunch break on the phone with insurance and my doctor’s office while scarfing down leftover pizza that ultimately resulted in awful heartburn that I payed for for the rest of the work day. And while this was going on, I could feel my anxiety rising bit by bit. I feel anxiety very strongly in my body. My senses become overwhelmed and my throat tightens as if I have a sore throat coming on. For those who have never struggled with anxiety, it is a physical and emotional feeling. It can be too much. If you don’t take a step back, it can run you over. I’ve let it run me over, but not today.

I have always had anxiety throughout my life and have learned more about how I experience it over the years. When I was in college, I noticed that I would literally break out in hives every time I was nervous. Every single time. I wore scarves and shirts that completely covered my chest to hide it. I went to great lengths to hide my discomfort and anxiety. This continued all through graduate school and into my first job out of school. Oddly enough, this has not happened to me in a long time. Not because I haven’t had anxiety, because trust me, it comes and goes. I’m not sure why I don’t break out in hives anymore, but I feel it in other ways that I never have before. For instance, the tightening feeling in my throat is new and also uncomfortable. All of this to say-I struggle with anxiety, folks. But I am more at peace with it now than I ever have been. Like I explain to patients, the goal is not to NEVER experience anxiety. The goal is to manage it and deal with it in healthy ways when it does happen. Anxiety is not all bad. It motivates us in healthy ways, but often we experience it in really unhealthy ways. I will always have to work on how I deal with anxiety.

As I re-read my list of mishaps that I first typed out, I realize that there are way worse things going on in the world than that. But this is exactly how anxiety works! We build things up in our head and compile it to a point where it isn’t manageable. There will always be a to-do list and it will always get more intense with every new responsibility. Currently the to-do list we have to complete prior to Abel’s birth is just not feasible. The fact is, Abel won’t care one bit if his nursery is not 100% completed. It’s his momma who cares. But why? I have realized that I put way too much pressure on myself to do everything perfectly. Ugh, I hate that word. But man oh man, it’s truly something that I do struggle with. My personal work with anxiety is learning how to not let it consume me and being okay with doing my best each day. There will always be work to do, and I’m working on being okay with ending each day with peace about that. I’m always going to be pulled in a million different directions, and something has to give. Life will always be a balancing act and I’ll have to be intentional about what my focus is for each day.

I did not intend for this post to be about my struggle with anxiety, but clearly I needed to get that off of my chest! What I really wanted to write about is my upcoming work on revamping my blog! I’m currently researching a new web platform as well as re-shaping the structure and content of my blogs. I still want to write about day to day stuff as well as the big stuff going on in my life, but I also want a space where I can organize my thoughts, ideas, and creations. I plan to include different sections including: food and new recipes, health and fitness, and my recommended book list just to name a few. I feel like my ideas are all over the place and I want to streamline it so I can go back and easily find stuff. As you have probably come to know, I’m a pretty open book. I like to share because I love when others share their stories with me. I’ve also enjoyed hearing feedback from you all who follow my blog. It’s been fun writing and sharing life with you, and I’m excited to share it with you in a more organized way. Anyway, I’m not sure when my new blog will be ready, but hopefully soon! It’s on my to-do list 😊 lol!

Now it is time to rest. Good night friends!

With love,
Keena

Promotion! Promotion!

Yes, you read the blog title right-I’m getting a promotion! I’m super excited about this opportunity and I’ve been looking forward to it for a long time! The company benefits include: no PTO, no pay, sleepless nights, and no bonuses or raises. If you haven’t quite figured it out yet, the promotion I’m referring to is stay-at-home mommy (SAHM). While I will no longer be receiving the standard benefits that a career affords, I will be gaining much richer benefits that have no monetary value. I can’t wait to jump into this next phase of life!

For those who know me, you might find yourself surprised by my decision. I’ve been in the workforce non-stop since I was 15 years old. I started with serving ice cream cones at the small diner in my hometown. I then upgraded to a video store that I loved working at. It happened to have the best name ever, which was Cramm-It-N-Go Video and later changed to the name Sun, Fun and Frolic. Clearly not the best name choices, but it was a valuable work experience! I’ve always had the blessing of having steady employment, and every new job brought greater experiences (and higher pay). I worked my way up the ladder so to speak, and I can wholeheartedly say that I worked my butt off to be where I’m at. I’m also a feminist at heart. I believe in empowering and celebrating female leaders in the workforce. I think this passion of mine is one reason why I have worked so hard. Not because I felt the need to prove myself to anyone, but I needed to prove myself to me. I wanted to see what I was capable of. While this has always motivated me, I also have a deep desire to be a full-time mother to my sweet little boy.

Like I said, I’ve always had jobs-good jobs at that. When I graduated from graduate school, I had a wonderful opportunity working as a contractor for the State. I helped design mental health programs, provided support to community partners, and assisted families directly when needed. I dabbled in web design to provide the community with new and improved tools for clinical purposes. I met with State and National leaders in mental health. I led meetings with some of the most influential policy makers in the State of Illinois. When I took that job, my boss told me that he’d make sure I’d earn my keep. He held true to his word, and I worked hard to earn that money. Eventually, everything came to a head and I found myself incredibly unhappy. In fact, it’s fair to say that I was downright miserable. While I was getting to do cool things and learning so much and earning an admirable salary for someone fresh out of grad school, something was not adding up. My cup was running empty and I was running out of ways to fill it up.

I was working many hours and traveling quite a bit. I was not satisfied with my work environment and I took a lot of it home with me. While I was doing my thing, Craig was busy doing his. As I’ve talked about before, residency is another ball game. Our time together is limited and often times stressful because we still have to deal with life stuff that isn’t always easy. At this point in the game, I was running myself down quickly and it showed at home. For the past 11 months, I've been working in direct clinical work as a therapist. This is another demanding job that can be draining at times.

What I’ve learned about running successful organizations is that it’s all about risk management. Sometimes you have to cut spending to grow the company. Sometimes you have to move people around in positions to cover all of the job duties. This is representative of our household. We had to cut spending due to one less salary so I could stay home. I went from caring for hundreds of individuals and their families in the community to focusing on my own. It was put in my heart to make this decision, and until God tells me otherwise, this is what I’ve been preparing for all along. The skills I learned in the workforce made me tough, resilient, and responsible, all of which are requirements of running a household. I know my worth, and I know what’s important to me. I went out and studied different work environments, I learned my passions. I learned about my strengths and weaknesses, and I gained self-awareness. I learned that money isn’t everything. I’ve made good money and have been so very unhappy.

 

So the point is, I needed those experiences to get where I’m at today. I’ve learned to walk away from what doesn’t fill my cup so that I can embrace what fills my soul. I’m not giving up or backing down. I’m not compromising my career. I was being prepped all along for the most important job of my life, which is motherhood. To me, it’s all about perspective. If you view staying home as depressing and unimportant then surly it will be that way. I spent the past 5 years providing care to hundreds of individuals and their families in my community and now it’s time to turn that focus to my own. I truly believe that creating good people begins right in your own home. I can’t change the world’s ills, but I can certainly add the people who are going to help guide our world to a better place by raising them with love in my home. To me, there’s no greater opportunity or responsibility.

A previous supervisor of mine once told me that I would lose productivity and consequently ruin my career if I had children. I’m embarrassed to say this, but for a hot second, I thought this person might be right. I let this person cloud much of what I knew and believed to be true for the sake of “being successful”. Thankfully, I’ve learned to follow my heart and do what I believe is the right thing to do. In the end, paid work will always be there. I have no doubt that when and if I decide to return to my career that there will be something great waiting for me. I will focus on that life change when that time comes.

As always, I will leave you with one of my favorite quotes by my home girl Brene Brown. In her new book titled, Braving the Wilderness: The Quest for True Belonging and the Courage to Stand Alone, she writes, “True belonging doesn’t require us to change who we are; it requires us to be who we are”. This reminder drives me to do what’s in my heart. And right now, that’s being a mother. I can’t wait for our adventure with little Abel. We are excited for you my love!

With love,

Keena

Gratitude

Hello friends and Happy September! I don’t know about you, but I’m ready for all the goodness that September has in store! September marks the beginning of Fall, and while technically it starts on September 22^nd it begins today for me and other Fall lovers! Not only am I excited about the Fall season, but I’m also excited because my husband and I will be finding out whether we will be raising a little girl or boy at the end of this month! We are already planning the gender reveal party for our families, and we just can’t wait! My heart feels so full every single day that I carry this baby. I can’t wait to show our child the world and enjoy all the milestones!

The end of this month will also put at us at halfway through the pregnancy which blows my mind! Time really is flying already. I’m feeling the pressure of getting things done, and my nesting process has already started. As we speak, there are two guys are in the nursery working on refinishing the beautiful wood floors. This was the first task before tackling anything else. I have very specific themes and colors in mind so the decorating won’t really start until after we know the gender. I think about this every day and dream about what it will look like in the next few months. If there’s a maximum space limit for pins on Pinterest either I’ve hit it or I’m close! I’m having a really good time daydreaming and planning. And I’m a planner so when I say I have a list, believe me, I do! Baby probably won’t care at all, but this momma wants her baby to enjoy a beautiful and thoughtful room.

While I plan the decorations, my husband is brainstorming ways to make the nursery a sleep sanctuary. He values sleep (good sleep) like no one else I know. It makes sense given that his sleep time is not always consistent or abundant. So his primary focus at the moment is good sleep for daddy, mommy, and baby! Make no mistake, we realize raising babies is difficult and sleep is not a guarantee for anyone on any given night, but we can certainly do our best! We will do our best and forget the rest. I’ve shared that phrase before in my blogs, but I’m really embracing it as we prepare to enter parenthood. I am under no illusion that parenting will be easy and it will be more than having a beautiful nursery. There will be more messes as well as sleepless nights headed our way. And you know what? I’m okay with that. I’m more than okay with that. I’m ready to embrace the hard times because I know the good always outweighs the bad. We will inherit the inevitable worry that comes with raising a child and wonder if we’re doing it "right" at times. I work with many parents and I always remind them that the best thing they can do is to go home and love their children. That’s what I plan to do. I also plan to practice gratitude every single day.

I began my gratitude practice only a short while ago. Don’t get me wrong, I’ve always been thankful and grateful but when I learned that it was an actual practice that would change my mindset I wanted to learn more about how it could enrich my life. Every morning before work I spend time writing out what I’m grateful for and why. I try to get as specific as I can so that I can really appreciate what I’m giving thanks for. Also, at dinner time my husband and I share with each other what we’re thankful for before we eat dinner. It was something that he suggested, and so he leads our evening gratitude. There’s nothing more attractive than a man who gives thanks. That may sound weird, but I really love this about him. He has such a grateful heart and he’s always reminding me about things to be grateful for.

All of this is to say that gratitude has profoundly changed my life, my vision, and my mindset. Without it, I just seemed to focus on things that weren’t going right…or my way I should say! It’s helped me to let go of the little things and trust more. Gratitude is what will us get through the hard times of parenthood. So as we prepare in the next 5 short months to welcome a baby, our grateful hearts will be ready.

Today I am grateful for:

1.       Cool weather so I can air out my house

2.       Having one day this weekend to relax with my husband (he will be working most of it)

3.       Our sweet, growing baby

4.       A career where I can help others find peace and meaning in their lives

What are you grateful for today?

With Love,
Keena

11 Weeks and Counting

Hello friends! It’s been quite a while since I’ve posted in my blog. Things have been a whirlwind and summer is passing by so quickly! Which I’m okay with because I’m ready for crisp fall weather, beautiful leaves and the smell of campfires. Anyway, here’s what’s been going on lately…

Since finding out that we were expecting, my life has been work, sleep, eat and repeat. That’s basically it. I’m sleeping for up to 10-12 hours every single day. I’ve never needed so much rest in my life. I’ve been told to listen to my body and do what it wants. It takes a lot of work to grow a baby! It can be frustrating though to be so tired all of the time despite my best efforts at exercise, drinking gallons of water and trying to eat healthy. Sleep is sleep, and nothing makes up for that! I keep telling myself to do my best and forget the rest.

Somewhere between work, sleep, and eating my mind also makes time for worry and anxiety. I have worried about this child since the day I got a positive pregnancy test. I worried so much before our first appointment about what we would or wouldn’t see. We were so grateful to see our little baby and watch our baby’s heart flicker on that screen. Baby had a wonderful heart beat and I just couldn’t believe that what I was seeing was actually inside of me. I have two beating hearts in my body. How is that anything but miraculous? I can’t even describe the feeling. I could’ve watched baby bounce around all day. I stare at our sonogram often and I pray every single day that God will see that this baby continues to grow healthy and strong. But my mind fears the worst…and so the hard work I’ve been doing is keeping my mind in a healthy space.

We decided to tell everyone right away that we were pregnant. I was 2 months along when we announced and I’m still not even out of the first trimester, but I’m very close. We were too excited to keep the wonderful news to ourselves. Craig and I decided together that we wanted to share in the joy with everyone right away because as long as this baby is growing inside of me, this baby is to be celebrated. What a pure joy we’ve been feeling! I’m sure there are some out there that think we shared too early and there are countless blogs that advise the earliest you should tell is 12 weeks. And what I’ve come to believe is that the 12 week “rule” is absurd. Since opening up about our pregnancy losses I’ve come to know other women who’ve experienced loss in the way I have which was prior to 12 weeks, but I’ve also met several women who’ve experienced loss at 16, 20, and 40 weeks. Also as many of you know, my sister lost her first son at full-term. Having a healthy baby is never a full-on guarantee. It’s an unimaginable loss at any point, but that goes to show that having a baby really is a miracle. At the end of every day I thank God that I’m still pregnant and I ask for another day.

After our first appointment I finally allowed myself to look in the closet where I stored the few things we had been given from our second pregnancy. My mom bought me this really cute pregnancy tracking book that allows me to journal about each pregnancy milestone. I had started to write in it with our second pregnancy so when I opened that book back up, my heart remembered the pain I had felt with our losses. Instead of marking out what I had already written, I decided to keep it and just add to it with this pregnancy. I can’t take away our first two losses. When I was writing in that book, those were moments of joy for me that I don’t want to erase.

Not all days are wrought with anxiety and worry though. I’m having more good days than bad, but sometimes when it’s bad, it’s bad. I just try to take one day at a time and be grateful along the way. Some days I sit in what will be the baby room and I dream of all the things I want to do with it. What decorations would look good. I can see myself sitting in a rocker holding my baby. I daydream a lot. I already began our registry to get a start on things. I’m looking at daycares and reading up on breast feeding and homemade baby foods. I’m looking for baby furniture and trying to find good deals. I’m doing all of the things that expecting mothers typically do, but I question a lot if it’s too early, or if I should wait a bit longer. That may sound strange, but after two losses I still battle a piece of me that wants to keep waiting until I know for sure while on the other hand knowing that nothing is guaranteed at any point. I’m still working on this, but I’m giving myself permission to plan for this baby as if all is well. And all IS well right now. Baby looks good according to my doctor and I trust her.

 

 Take a look for yourself. Isn’t that amazing? You can see arm buds and the dark shape of one eye and the baby’s attachment to the placenta. I’m in awe!

 I’ll keep praying and will cherish every day of pregnancy. I’ll be praying for all the other mama’s who need it too.

With love,

Keena

Love by Connection

Every morning, I spend around 20-30 minutes walking my little beagle, Augie. It’s something that we both look forward to and enjoy each morning. Lately, there have been more and more people out and about in the early morning, likely because of the gorgeous weather we’ve had. We get stopped frequently so people can meet my little Augie. She’s a charmer and hard to resist! Almost every morning we meet someone new, which is nice and refreshing to meet those I live around. Usually people ask me what her age and name is, and then after a few minutes we go our separate ways. Today was different. Today we met a lady who got me thinking about one of our basic needs…and that’s our need for connection. Within less than 5 minutes I knew so much about her life. Here’s how the conversation started:

Ms. B: “Hi there, your dog is cute, can you walk mine?”

My first impression was that this was a strange request to a stranger.
Me: “uhhh, Hi.” (I didn’t know what to say lol).
Ms. B: “Just kidding, my neighbor offered to do it for me. I just feel so bad that I can’t walk my dog anymore. Can I meet your dog?”
Me: “sure…”

I walked Augie up to this lady who looked even smaller and frailer up close. She sat down and began lovin’ on Augie. As I was getting ready to pull Augie away and continue our walk, (I was running late for work), she said, “I hope you never get breast cancer. Look…one of my teeth just fell out this week. How can I face anyone?”

I was not prepared for this conversation, but it was clear that she was yearning to talk to someone about what she was going through. She explained to me that she was an attorney who had to quit practicing because she couldn’t do her job very well anymore due to chemotherapy. She was sad because she couldn’t walk her dog as much. She told me that she never could have imagined what going through breast cancer would’ve been like…and then it happened. Woman to woman, I felt her pain, yet couldn’t imagine her grief. More so, I could sense that she was lonely. I have no idea if she is/was married or had a close support network, but even when you do, pain shrinks your world.

I’ve never experienced cancer or any terminal illness, but the way I can relate to pain lately is through my pregnancy losses. I understand what it feels like to crave connection during difficult times. I know what it’s like to be ignored and not heard. I understand that it hurts when the world keeps moving as if nothing is wrong when you’re aching so much inside and no one knows it. Or worse, if others do know it, they ignore it. I was left wondering if that’s how she felt. Her feelings just started tumbling out as if she couldn’t stop them. That’s what happens when you long for connection.

I felt conflicted because I didn’t want to be rude, but I needed to be on my way. I quickly realized that there was no way that I could cut her off and keep walking. It just didn’t feel right. So, I stayed. She wanted our dogs to meet and she wanted to feed Augie treats (Augie didn’t complain). But I think what she really wanted was some of my time. I helped her up by holding onto her arm and waist and walked with her to the gate so our puppies could meet. I could feel her physical weakness and she praised my youthful strength. Unfortunately, Augie was not a fan of her dog, but the woman was thrilled with their interaction.

After talking for a while, she extended her hand and shook mine and asked me my name. She wished me a good day, and I said the same. I went on my way and thought about her the rest of my walk home. I immediately offered up thanks for my health, but also prayed that this lady I met would experience healing, both physically and emotionally. All I could think of was what a harrowing journey she’s traveling. I just hope that she’s not traveling it alone. It is hard to be open with the rawness of our struggles, but at some point, we just have to stop trying to bear it alone.

The current book I’m reading is called “Option B” written by Sheryl Sandberg and Adam Grant-it’s so great. They discuss this need to be “okay” despite our struggles. They referenced the work of psychologist David Caruso when explaining this phenomenon. He explained, “all over the world, there is cultural pressure to conceal negative emotions.” And further, “there’s this relentless drive to mask the expression of our true underlying feelings. Admitting that you’re having a rough time is almost inappropriate.” We’ve all felt this right? I know I have.

I’ve heard repeatedly in personal relationships as well as from my clients that emotions and struggles are not to be shared. Where in the world did this lie come from?? Almost everyone who connected with me on pregnancy loss expressed that they wish they hadn’t kept it to themselves. Why you ask? Because it was unbearable. Pushing away pain does not banish it nor lessen it. Without care, it festers on our soul. And I believe that the only remedy is connection.

I chose to connect with someone today who desperately needed listened to. That’s the greatest gift we can give anyone. Listen, connect, and hear someone’s story. You never know who you’re going to meet or what fascinating story you’ll be missing if you choose to walk away. Next time you see someone struggling or if it seems like they want to talk, simply ask, “how are you today?” And then not let the answer “good” suffice. Ask even if you’re uncomfortable. And if you’re being asked, give them the real answer. There’s a difference between complaining and being honest about where you’re at. I’m working on being the question asker and giving honest answers when asked. There is no shame in that, only the possibility for connection.

So, my sweet friends: How are you today? Really though, how are you?
I’m here for you.

With love,
Keena  

Two Years after "I Do"

I didn't think marriage could be so hard, but after two years into mine, I understand why a twenty, thirty, or fifty year marriage anniversary is really something to celebrate. I know that sounds harsh and maybe insinuates that I'm not happy in mine, but that's not the case. I am happy with my marriage and I love being married! I'm thankful to share life with someone, committed together as one. People did tell me it would be hard, but how do you know what that means until you've experienced it? I really didn't know. I will never forget a good friend of mine who gave me a sweet card when I got engaged and she wrote, "remember this moment when the hard ones come". If she's reading this, then all I can say is, Thank You. Thank you for reminding me that it's not all bliss and that I'd need to hold onto the good when the hard times would inevitably happen. I appreciate the honesty you extended me. I still have that card!

The first month or so of marriage was pretty great! We started it off in Hawaii soaking up the sun and living in a blissful honeymoon! Shortly after, we bought our first home together and started to enjoy the freedoms of home owning even though it was a huge learning curve on the topics of escrow, interest rates, property tax, loan types, ect., but we still enjoyed the experience. That next month we both started our new jobs-Craig started as an orthopedic surgery resident, and I began my career as a consultant over children's mental health programs. We jumped into some pretty fast currents of work that demanded our brain power and stamina at a completely different level than any of our previous higher education ventures. The new expectations at this work level took its toll emotionally and physically. We had to figure out how to coordinate two busy schedules to get things done at home while taking care of ourselves and our growing marriage.

As we worked hard to establish ourselves in our careers, we had to stop and examine our together identity. Were we spending quality time together? Were we taking the time to check in with one another? Were we both contributing to house work? Many times we've had to put our heads down and grind through the long stretches of being apart and just get stuff done when things needed to be done. One thing I really admire about Craig is his grit. I've never seen someone work without complaint like he has, and short cuts are not his thing.

Also when starting out, we had the awkward growing pains of remembering the "we" in everything. Every decision was now for "us" not "me" or "you". This was especially true for finances. We've read a lot of books on finance during these past two years and came to realize that this would only truly work if we treated all money as "ours". While we still struggle with agreeing on a monthly budget (thanks to Amazon), we have at least decided that it would be a shared struggle. Coming together like that wasn't easy, and it's still hard, but we continue to work hard as a team.

Since being married these past two years, Craig's work schedule and responsibilities have grown which has continued to stretch thin his time at home. I have started 3 different jobs and have finally landed where I'll be for awhile. Starting a new job is on the list of most stressful life events and I've done it 3 times since we got married. Every month or two Craig is on a new surgical rotation requiring him to learn a new skill set which is comparable to getting a new job every few months. We are learning information at an intense rate and have not reached "comfortable" quite yet. I don't expect comfort and confidence to be there yet, we just started, but it doesn't make it easy.

So we checked the wedding, starter home, and jobs off on our list. Then we decided that we would start trying for a family once we were in the clear of year 2 of residency. We didn't know that our journey to parenthood would include two miscarriages in a row. Another hurdle...but this time it was one that wrecked my heart. Both happened at a time when I was new to a job. I've had the experience of crying in the offices of two new bosses so that I could ask to have a day or two to grieve at home. When you're trying to put your best foot forward and impress your leadership, it's incredibly hard to be vulnerable even though your heart is aching. But I had to. I had to be vulnerable because there was no way I could keep all of that in and do a good job for the people I serve without taking care of myself first. And that meant approaching my respectable leaders with an open heart and my raw experiences. I'm so grateful because I was met with hugs, kind words, and excused time off. That's grace in its finest hour. I'm so grateful not just to work for good leadership, but just all around good people. I want to be that kind of leader.

So what did the miscarriages do to our marriage? I want to say that we were completely comforted by one another. But we weren't. (I shared this in a previous blog post, but I'll repeat some of it here for the sake of relevance to this post.) Craig wanted to pick up and move on. I wanted to stop and feel the emotions and just sit with that pain because I couldn't keep it down and away. I'm a therapist for crying out loud...this is what I do with people every day. I help people come face-to-face with their pain for the purposes of healing. So for me, there was no other way of dealing with it except to work through it, not past it. I'm not bashing my husband for how he dealt with it. I'm just trying to illustrate for you the differences in how people in a marriage deal with pain and how important it is to pay attention to these differences. Eventually we spent time talking about our feelings and met with professionals who comforted us by acknowledging the normalcy of our differences.

In the past two years, we've had fights that have brought us to tears. One thing that I'm so happy for is that we have this unspoken agreement that name-calling and cursing is completely unacceptable when we fight, and we've never crossed that. We don't always get along, but we have this deep respect for one another that allows us to stay away from that junk. What we have been working on is coming together to apologize and to admit when we are wrong. This one is so hard...so so hard. When I feel that I'm right, I don't want to apologize. But what I've learned is that apologizing isn't giving in and foregoing my beliefs. No, see apologizing is a humble practice that allows you to love another person more fully because it says, "hey, I'm sorry if I hurt your feelings. I want to connect with you, not fight." Apologizing gives me peace and it humbles me to admit that I'm not right about everything (I'm close though! lol). But for real, next time you fight, apologize to your husband or wife, people. I promise it will help your relationship and your heart.

Lately, I've seen a few shared articles on social media that challenge the point of being married because studies have shown that marriage does not make you happier. You know what I think? Those studies are right! Marriage does not bring you more happiness. It is not a guaranteed level of happiness once you say your vows and sign that legal paper binding you together. But this is the problem...if you're getting married to be happier then you're going to be extremely disappointed. They are studying the wrong question. I got married because I wanted someone to walk with me through the good, the bad, and the ugly. I wanted someone who I could grow up with and experience new together. I wanted to feel joy with someone. To me, joy is a much deeper construct than happiness. Joy is a result of the good and the bad. I'd much rather have that than be pulled into the lie that one person can bring you all this daily happiness. That is too much of an expectation for one person. No one is responsible for that except for you, but joy is something shared and cultivated together. Yep, that's what I want-JOY.

When I look back, it's amazing all that has happened in the past two years. We've spent 730 days as husband and wife and it feels like not enough time for all that has happened. I'm so grateful for our marriage. I'm joyous that I get to experience a deep love, an imperfect love-one that is forgiving and uplifting even in the hard times. Something our Pastor said during our ceremony that stuck with me is this:

"Marriage requires love, and teaches love. It is an adventure."-Pastor Priggie

 

Spot on.

 

Happy 2nd Anniversary my dearest love, Craig. I can't wait to see how the rest of our story unfolds.



 

With love,

Keena 

Love Yourself First

Hello friends and happy Thursday!

I’m on a theme here with writing about the littles in my family so I’m stickin’ with that today as well. Last time I wrote about my first-born nephew, Samuel in remembrance of his 5^th birthday. Now I find myself inspired to write about my niece Mira who’s about to turn 4 in two weeks-something that I can’t wrap my mind around. I thought of her because I was in a conversation with my older sister (Mira’s momma) and we were talking about unconditional love and encouragement. Our conversations are known to get deep! I love our sisterly talks so much-what a blessing they are to me!

Today we were talking about how uncommon it is for people to practice unconditional love and encouragement. We are only truly happy with others if they are acting, doing, and speaking how we think they should. These are conditions, or expectations we have of others that get in the way of us extending our love to one another.  It’s hard for us to love people just as they are…unless you’re Mira. Because that girl loves everyone and I want to share (or proudly brag) about her beautiful gifts.

Lots of children are loving, kind, and caring…there’s a pureness to children that we all can admire. As we get older, we realize the brokenness of the world and it becomes a fight to love as deeply as children do. Mira has this gift like most children…but her level of love, encouragement, and gratitude is strikingly abundant when you meet her at just 3 years young. I’ve never been around a child that could lift your heart in the ways she can. As a student of child development, I’ve learned that children her age are very egocentric. In other words, children mostly care about themselves. Perspective-taking is something they have not yet mastered. It’s natural and all children have some level of egocentrism. Mira makes me question if she’s only 3 because her compassion for others is undeniable.

Mira is always asking “you okay?”. She notices when others get hurt and is quick to kiss any owies and then asks “you better?”. She wants to know that you’re okay. If I could bottle up her sweet voice and play it on the hard days, I would. Her attentiveness to those hurting is such a gift. She’s always coming up to me and saying “Aunt Keena, Augie is sad. She’s so sad.” I always tell her that Augie (my beagle pup) is happy and then Mira will perk up. I’m not sure why she’s always telling me that my dog is sad, but maybe she senses something that I don’t. Maybe she wants Augie to feel included too. Either way, her focus on feelings points to her caring soul-one that isn’t self-focused. She’s watching and she wants others around her to feel good. As adults, how often are we taking the time to acknowledge each other’s pain? Are we seeing the hurt around us? Are we offering words of encouragement? Are we celebrating the good times with one another?

That’s the other thing she’s so good at. She has the beautiful gift of encouragement. Gosh she’s so good! If you want to feel good about yourself, you need a hang-out date with this little girl. Last weekend she came up to me and said, “Aunt Keena, you’re so pretty” and then she hugged me. She’s always giving the biggest compliments. One time when I had her at my house she said, “you’re the best ever Aunt Keena”.

*Cue the tears and the BIG heart melt.*

Seriously, she knows how to make me feel so good about myself. And the reason she can do this is because she loves herself. Mira practices what we therapists call positive self-talk. In other words, she’s so nice to herself! The things you will hear Mira say includes:

“I so gorgeous!”, “I so smart”, and “wook at me, I so strong!”.

She believes all these good things about herself. She doesn’t ask “am I prettier than her?” or say “I’m not smart enough”. How often do we compare ourselves to others? How often do we put ourselves down? I’m guessing we do this a lot. And when we do this self-shaming, we can’t begin to love others unconditionally because we have conditions for ourselves. Self-love has to come first. It is the key that lets us love others. It is the main ingredient of kindness. It allows us to celebrate ourselves and others knowing that there’s enough appreciation and love to go around for all of us. We forget that as adults. The lack of self-love leads us to compare beauty and success. But when you can celebrate your own gifts, you gain the freedom to celebrate others’. She thinks she’s gorgeous and that you’re gorgeous too and that both are to be celebrated. She can see the pure beauty in everything and everyone.

My prayer is that she always loves herself in this way. Because her self-love is a mirror to how she feels about those around her. As her Aunt I promise to help protect and nurture her level of self-love as the brokenness of the world will test and threaten her self-worth. Another girl will be mean to her and call her names and it will shake her. My hope is that her self-love will persevere in those moments and that she will be able to extend love to others who are less secure with themselves. (And then she will tell Aunt Keena who will then hunt this person down!) Just kidding…but for real.

As a therapist, I help people piece back together their self-worth every day. There is such a lack of self-love and let me tell ya-it’s destructive. What sweet little Mira has taught me is this: unconditional love starts with yourself.  When you encourage yourself, you can start to encourage those around you. You start to forget about comparisons and expectations which allows you to simply love.

Mira blesses me all the time with her overflowing love. I strive to be like her every day. Yep, I want to be more like the little girl who’s been on this earth 23 years less than I have. She’s amazing. If you’ve never met her, here’s the sweet little face I’ve been talking about.

(Photo Credit: Rachel Lynda Photography)

 

Her love is radiant and contagious. May we all love ourselves and others like she does!

In light of her upcoming 4th birthday I'm sharing our first picture together. I love you sweet baby girl!

With love,
Aunt Keena