The Comparison Pit

Hello friends! Again, it’s been awhile…but I have a valid reason this time! I was busy working on interviewing and accepting a job as a child and adolescent therapist! In fact, my first day is tomorrow and I am so very excited to get started on this next phase of my career. I will start working towards my LCPC (higher clinical credential) and see where this takes me! Getting my LCPC has always been a goal of mine so I’m eager to get started!

So that’s the big announcement and news of the day, however I don’t want to spend time talking about that right now because something else is pressing on my mind. Maybe it’s the finance and other personal development books I’ve been reading that has sparked this, or maybe I’m struggling with it right now. Maybe it’s both. What I’m referring to is the comparison game. You know, the one where you think everyone has it better or easier than you game? You know what I’m talking about? I’m sure you do…it’s something we’ve all played. It’s something that has impacted our joy at some point and perhaps has gone so far as to ruin relationships. Comparing is something we need to get a handle on because it is a destroyer of all that is good. For real, it is!

Maybe it’s money, cars, houses or other material things that gets your comparison game started. Maybe it’s job promotions, new educational degrees, or fitness posts. We see people post all over social media about new stuff every single day. I get it…because I’ve done it. I just posted my new car on Facebook because I’m so proud of it! (FYI-My husband and I worked hard this past year to save up for it and buy it with cash. We have Dave Ramsey to thank for that).  We all post about new things we are excited about, and for the most part I don’t think it’s wrong to do so. I just think that as we are scrolling through our news feed that we must remember to be grateful for what we have and be happy for others when things are going well or they worked hard for something.

To be completely honest, I find myself comparing my life to those who seem to have more family time than I do. I get sad as I scroll through Facebook just thinking about how lucky everyone else is because they get regular family dinners and most weekends off to spend with their family. Right now, in our phase of our careers my husband and I are not getting this. We go several weeks where we only see each other in passing. When he is home, it is almost weird! Don’t get me wrong, I love when he’s home, but I am so used to the quiet in my house. Sometimes I even get irritated because there’s more of a mess than what I’m used to! So, I get jealous, and at times I get angry because it feels unfair. I want to make memories with my little family, and I don’t want to have to wait months to do so! I don’t want to eat most of my dinners alone, but things will not be changing for us any time soon. And because of that, I need to work on my happiness every single day and find joy through friends, family, work and other activities that make me happy.

The point is that I create this idea of what I think other people’s family lives are like based on their social media posts. In reality, I have no idea what other families are really going through. I have no idea how often families do get to sit down for dinners or do fun things. For the most part, the only thing people post about is what is going well and what they are happy about. This is great! But for the person sitting at the end of another phone screen, it seems like the other person has it all and that things are always peachy for them. Let me take a moment to tell you…it’s not the way it seems. We find ourselves glamorizing each other's lives when it’s not even close. As we watch from our own screens, we need to keep that into perspective. And we need to be content enough with our own lives to be happy for others. I’m an avid Facebook user so I have to work really hard to be happy for happy families that I see posting photos, and remember how grateful I am for my family. Then I work on treasuring the time I do get with my husband that much more.

I have a wonderful life, and I am truly grateful! I put that last sentence on repeat every single day. If you really want to get perspective, then go read the news. I cry every time and remember that the things I worry about surmount to nothing others have to worry about. When you start to lose that perspective, and need a good reminder of all that is good, go out and volunteer. Serve food in a soup kitchen, read to the elderly, give your time to those who are in need. I promise that you’ll forget about that shiny new car or that big house your heart has been set on. Again, it’s okay to want those things, but do NOT let the want consume you. A want is not a need. In fact, most of what we have is not needed for survival.

From this moment forward, I promise to work harder to be joyous for others by doing the following:

I’ll smile when I see people post family time photos. I’ll cheer for the person posting their workouts and weight loss journey. I’ll be excited for those who share their home/car buying experience. I’ll feel joyous over new marriages and new babies brought into the world. I’ll do this because being happy for others brings me joy and peace in my life. I'll remind myself that others' joy does not make mine any lesser. Most importantly I’ll always remind myself of how blessed I am.

If you’re struggling with the comparison game, remember this:

“When you get caught up in social media comparisons, you’re comparing yourself to make-believe. And when you compare yourself to make-believe, your real life will never feel good enough.” -Rachel Cruze

Yes. Amen to that. We are all blessed in different ways, and that is something to be grateful for.

With love,

Keena

Blessings come in ways we least expect

I just got back from a week-long Arizona vacation and it was wonderful. I got to stand by my beautiful, loving sister-in-law as she married the love of her life. I witnessed an incredible piece of earthly art as I hiked in the Grand Canyon. I got to make memories with my husband and his family. I let my mind rest and for the most part, I set aside my daily worries and soaked up this adventurous week.

Today was my first day back in the office, and instead of feeling refreshed after returning from a vacation, I felt off…and had no idea as to why. As I sat in my office chair, I felt in my heart that it was time to leave my job. I know that I’ve been talking about finding my next step in terms of my career, but I wasn’t sure when I was going to take that leap. Today was different because my heart was literally speaking to me clear as day. I heard “Keena, it’s time to move on, and everything will be okay”. I kid you not. I sent a text to my life advisor (aka my older sister) and told her what I was feeling and she said “I think that’s something you should pray about today and listen to what you hear”. I then sent a text to my husband and said “I’m ready to make a change now”, and he replied “let’s do this”. I sat on these thoughts all day and then later before I was about to leave, my boss asked me to come to his office. So I did.

I had no idea what we were going to discuss, but when your boss starts off the conversation with “this won’t be a fun conversation we are going to have” pretty much indicates that something less than desirable is about to happen. He explained that my contract was going to be cut as of December 31^st and that he appreciated my work, but the state was moving in a different direction. Ouch…I did not see that one coming…at least not this soon, so I was truly surprised. For the record, I’ve been hearing the response “we are moving in a different direction” a lot lately, and I’m beginning to understand what this means for my life. I think I’m being told that I need to move MY life in a different direction. I’m learning that it’s not about what everyone else is doing…it’s about what I need to do…for me…for my family. I’ve been hearing it for a while, but my path hasn’t been that clear yet…so I waited. I have cried, worried, and prayed so much. I’ve been soul searching for a long time and I have questioned every decision that I have made. But today…I felt I had clarity for the first time in a long time. Most importantly, this clarity washed me in peace.

You might be asking yourself why I’m feeling peace when I’ve just learned that I’m losing my job and am about to lose half of my household income. Okay yes, things will get a bit tighter and I don’t have a plan yet. I don’t have a job lined up and I don’t know exactly what I want to do. But here’s what I do have…I have a supportive and loving husband who will stand by me through this change. Remember he said “let’s do this” not “you can do this”, so I know my partner stands with me. I have a warm bed to sleep in and food to eat. We have the financial reserves to sustain us through this difficult time because we had the sense to save and prepare. My sister loaned me books a while ago to read about the importance of financial peace. While I read, I also consulted with several people on how to handle money. I sought advice and mentorship when things got difficult at work. I worked on my resume and had the opportunity to get more interview experience. I have the support of a loving family who listened to me and encouraged me to hang in there even when I didn’t want to keep going.

During this time, I wanted things…I wanted a new car, but chose to save instead and to hold out because this was a want and not an immediate need. I chose to push through my pain because I had faith that I would get an answer and that things would all work out. And you know what? Things are working out. While losing my job hurts and is painful, I can say with certainty that I am so grateful and truly blessed. The work that I have been doing and the hard moments I’ve endured have prepared me to handle this. And not just handle it, but excel through it.

It’s not a coincidence that all of this happened. This was carefully planned…and not by me. For those of you who know me, I’m not a religious person and I do not subscribe to any single faith. But make no mistake, I do believe that there is something greater than I, and I believe in love and goodness and faith. And today…faith carried me through. Love powered me and held me, and gratitude saved me. I look up and I’m thankful, not just for today, but for every day. I’m thankful that each morning I wake up to a new day to face. I’m grateful for the days I pushed myself through and for the days I was carried when I couldn’t push any more. I’m grateful for the love of friends and family who also held me when I needed it most. I can’t thank everyone enough for their unconditional love.

There is nothing more true when people tell you some of your greatest blessings come in ways you least expect. Not getting exactly what you want when you want, leads to greater things…

But only if you listen. I know I’m listening…with my heart wide open.

With love,

Keena

Succeeding through Empowerment

Good Sunday morning friends! I’ve already been up for several hours and am two cups of coffee deep, so I am ready to rock n’ roll! Some days, I literally have no idea where my energy comes from, but today I am so grateful to wake up feelin’ good and inspired!

This morning I finished the book The Magnolia Story by Chip and Joanna Gaines. For those of you who do not know them, they are the hosts of the Fixer-Upper show on HGTV. I happened to stumble upon Fixer-Upper one day while scrolling through Netflix. I usually don’t watch shows like these, but for some reason I decided to see what it was about. Prior to this show, I had no idea who Chip and Joanna Gaines were, but once I started watching their show, I was hooked. For me, it wasn’t just about the homes they were flipping and decorating with immaculate taste, it was how they opened up their hearts and helped people bring their families together through designing their homes. Since I’ve started watching the show I have purchased their new book and magazine because their work inspires me to create with an open heart.

What really draws me to this family-focused couple, is their commitment to serving others. From their clients to their design team, they are always putting others first. I won’t give away any of the best stories, but one of them stood out to me the most. They described a difficult financial time in their lives where they had no money to pay their work crew who helped them flip homes. One day they were gifted with money that would’ve put them ahead financially, but instead they decided to take care of their people and pay them first. That blew me away…seriously it did. It would’ve been easier to pay themselves first to feel more comfortable, but instead they put the needs of those they cared about before them. How amazing is this?

When I started reflecting on their story, I realized how pertinent giving and empowering those around us really is to our own success. I would argue that empowering others is the single most powerful tool we have available. But so often it goes unused. Why you ask? Because it requires us to stop thinking about ourselves…and this does not come naturally to most people. It’s a practice that has to be worked at and reflected on regularly. Empowering others through giving is not only demonstrated through financial giving, but also in the way we treat those around us. I know that this is something I’ve been thinking about a lot and how I can improve in this area.

I’m sure anyone reading this post has had experiences where others have brought them down either intentionally or un-intentionally. I know I have. I have had the moments of joy that were squashed by someone’s jealousy. I have no doubt that I have in turn squashed someone else’s joy because of my jealousy. I have experienced situations where others make assumptions about me and would rather see me fail. I have felt this through their negative words and actions. I have been laughed at instead of held up in vulnerable moments. I have been scoffed at instead of encouraged. When people are succeeding and achieving great things, many people will balk at that cut them down. The reason we do this is rooted in nothing else but our own insecurities.

When we choose not to empower those around us the result is this: It destroys partnership. It kills relationships. It harbors negativity. It stalls growth and improvement.

 

So what does empowerment look like? And what is the impact of empowering those around you?

I’m so glad you asked friends, because this such an important area to talk about. Empowering people is celebrating their success. It’s standing up for others when they don’t have a voice. Empowerment is giving to others before giving to ourselves. Empowering is building up each other’s confidence through positive feedback and kindness. The way we empower is felt through our actions and the language we choose to use. There are so many positive words to choose from and there is no limit on how much we use them. When my sisters and brothers succeed…I succeed. I hope that others feel the same way when I’m succeeding. Empowering others inspires joy, peace, and love. Not just for ourselves, but for everyone around us. It pushes forward creativity because we help each other work past our fears and insecurities.

I was once told that I have a romantic view of how people work together. I was baffled at this statement. If I’m in an environment where respecting those around me and building up my peers is unrealistic, then the only conclusion I have drawn is this: I am in the wrong place. I’m not doing the wrong thing and I certainly do not have a romantic view of relationships and teams. I just know what works well and empowering those around me does just that. Had Joanna and Chip Gaines put themselves first in that financial crisis, they may not have the team that they do today.

In the moments where I’m not feeling empowered, I think about this quote:

“What comes out of someone else’s mouth is a reflection of their heart, not yours”. -Lysa Terkeurst

Empowerment strengthens the heart and builds the hearts of others. Friends, there is just nothing more fulfilling than that.

With love,

Keena

Living through Disappointment

Hello friends! It’s been quite a while since I’ve last written in my blog! My computer had some issues and underwent computer surgery and then all of my files were wiped out. So I haven’t had my technology available to write, but with some help from Best Buy and a lot of help from my tech savvy brother-in-law, I can now fill you in on my world since my last post…which is fairly light because not much has happened! J

Let’s see…well I’m still searching for a career change (more of a slight shift), and I’ve been focusing a lot of my energy on figuring out my next step. Who knew that this could take months?? I surely did not. The hiring process is complicated and can be really, really long. I wasn’t quite prepared to face the amount of disappointment that I have experienced in my search. I’ve stressed a lot, cried a lot, and worried a lot. I’ve grown tired and a bit weary. And while it’s been a challenge, I’ve been working really hard to remember all of the goodness this disappointment has brought me. Yes my friends, there is goodness in disappointment. But only if you look for it and hold on to it to carry you through.

You might be wondering how you do that-how you find goodness within disappointment. Or maybe you’ve got this down. Maybe you already know how to make the lemonade when life gives you lemons. Either way, I want to share with you how I’ve been doing this, because I thought I had it down, but turns out I had and still have a lot of work to do.

Recently, I went through a 9.5-hour interview for a job I really wanted (and still want). It was the longest interview I’ve ever had and it was completely exhausting. I felt like I could sleep for days because I had my game face on the entire 9.5 hours, and I put my best foot forward. After it was over and I got back to my car, I kicked off those new heels, tossed my new suit coat in the car and I just literally hugged myself for a minute before I started my drive home. I was comforting myself because I was tired and ready to rest, but also I was so proud of myself for having made it through conversations with multiple panels and answering some tough questions. I had prepped and prepared myself for this day. So as you can imagine, it was disappointing when I didn’t hear a thing for 3 weeks. In fact, I’m still waiting and I have no idea when or if I will hear back. Unfortunately, this is how some things go. It’s easy to think “I must not have done well” or “they didn’t like me” or the worst thought, “I just wasn’t good enough”. Trust me, I thought these things; however, these thoughts…did nothing for me.

You know what did help me? What helped me was to recognize what I learned from the experience and others similar to it. What I’m learning about is patience. It’s incredibly hard to be patient when you want something so much. I’m also learning perseverance. Being able to show up day in and day out is really something to be proud of. Don’t think your efforts are for nothing because everything you do is leading you to something greater. I truly believe that with my whole heart. If I had everything I wanted right now, I would not have the appreciation for that life if I didn’t have to work for it. This might sound strange, but every day I picture myself chipping away at a stone with a hammer. I have to mentally imagine this because it helps me understand it better. Each day I get a brand new day to chip away at this stone. Every notch is a new experience, an “aha” moment, new skills, and lessons learned. This is how I’m building my character…by taking every experience and learning from it.

I could look at the 9.5 hour interview as wasted time or I could look at it as a growing experience. If I’m ever faced with this situation again, I will be less afraid. Why? Because I’ve done it before and I did just fine. (Just for the record, interview skills are a must and the only way to learn is to do several of them!) If I don’t get an offer, it’s okay because I will move on to the next opportunity. You have to face some no’s first before you get a yes. And more times than not, it’s for the better. Sometimes we don’t get what we want for a reason. This is so hard for me to accept, but at the end of the day I can’t control whether or not someone wants to hire me, but I can control how I respond to it. And that my friends, is powerful. The ability to control our own thoughts is just not as appreciated as it should be and not practiced nearly enough. If you want to see everything as negative, then everything WILL be negative. If you want to see the positive in challenging situations, you will recover from disappointment more quickly and learn something about yourself. This is a daily a choice…a daily practice that we must learn to cultivate for inner peace.

Strength and confidence grow from disappointment. It’s up to each of us to uncover it. If you are reading this and you are experiencing a major disappointment or set back just know this, you are not alone my friend, and my heart is feeling for you. There IS something out there for you. Keep plugging away, keep your chin up and be proud of how far you’ve come. There is a beautiful purpose for your life, and there’s also one for mine.

With love,
Keena

I have an important self-disclosure to make…I am a BOOK WORM! Yep, I said it. J I love books. My love for books started long ago. The book fairs in elementary school were my absolute favorite. I received several reading awards throughout my primary school years and always exceeded my AR (accelerated reading) goals. I remember when my mom would take me to the local library where I would read books for prizes during a summer reading program; that was the best. I actually read about 98% of assigned reading in undergrad and graduate school. I’ve always liked to read, but as I’ve gotten older, I’ve found more comfort in the calming silence of reading a good book while drinking my favorite tea and letting my mind bask in imagination. I become bored of T.V. quickly, but I could read forever. With that said, I derive a lot of inspiration from the words of others.

I have many different books on my nightstand at any given time. Recently, I just finished the book Present over Perfect: Leaving behind Frantic for a Simpler, More Soulful Way of Living by Shauna Niequist. This was the kind of book that brought tears, smiles and all around comfort. I felt understood when I read her short essays on her life experience of moving from an on-the-go life to a simpler, grateful way of living. I feel like I needed this particular book now more than ever as I search for peace while making some difficult life decisions. The timeliness of me finding this book is amazing given my feelings lately. It has inspired this post and made me think about the way simplicity and gratitude relate to leadership.

In the past when I would picture what a leader would look like I would see someone in a suit working in an office setting while preparing to lead big meetings and essentially being a boss. I don’t know why or when this image imprinted itself in my brain, but I’ve had a very strict vision of what a leader literally looks like. For the longest time, leadership for me was computed as follows:

Suits + $$$ + meetings + long hours + little rest/sleep + coffee = Leadership.

As I discussed in my last post, these things are often associated with how success is defined by society and clearly how I’ve also defined it. If I’m always producing, making good money, and working more than resting, then I am a leader and an important one at that. Yet, I’m learning that this lifestyle is not for me. It’s not what I want…and it’s not what brings me joy. Joy is so hard to find in everyday life for many people, including myself. But why? Because I think we are completely obsessed…yes obsessed with work and being busy leading to a completely and utterly exhausting way of living. I don’t know about you, but I don’t desire that. I work hard, but I want to play harder. And while some of you might consider that to be low work ethic, I consider it living. Yes, I want to have a career and do something with myself, but I don’t want that to be the only part of my life. I don’t want to go down a path of life where my goal is only to work harder and beat myself down to pure exhaustion and unhappiness. Yet so many people find this completely acceptable. But I do not. And that is okay for me.

When I am setting myself up for my own success I need to make sure it aligns with the vision I have for me and my future family. It could be working part time and running a house hold, staying at home, or working full-time while raising children. I’m not sure what that will look like yet or what my family’s needs will be, but here’s what I do know: I do not want to live such a frantic life that I have no time to live. I want to go places, see things. I want to meet people, spend time with my husband, and my family. I can’t do that if all I do is obsess about work and making money. I just don’t think it’s worth it.

These feelings I have are also shaped by what I’m watching my husband go through. He has dedicated his life to becoming an orthopedic surgeon. Talk about long hours and demanding work…I often ask myself how he does it. I believe he enjoys his work and deeply desires to be a great surgeon, but his lifestyle does not come without struggles. He works like no other but also takes care of himself like no other. I’ve known my husband since early college and I’ve enjoyed growing with him and watching him develop his life over time. At his core, he’s still the same, but at the same time he seems very different now. This man works 80-100 hours each week and still works out, meditates, eats healthy smoothies daily, and has cut out everything that does not help him lead a healthy life. As he would say, he’s “trimming the fat” out of his life, both physically and mentally J. He’s pretty awesome and someone I admire greatly. While he works hard to engage in self-care, he has to make many sacrifices. As I’m typing this, I’m in the car with his family headed for a weekend of family functions without him. My heart is hurting because I miss him and I know his family misses him too. This is not the first nor the last family function he has to miss. Could you imagine what it would be like if I also pursued that lifestyle? For some people, they make it work and they are happy, but it’s not for me.

Recently I was talking about this with my husband and I found comfort in his response to my struggles of thinking that I’m not working hard enough or if I don’t make a certain amount of money that I’m not pulling my weight. He responded so empathically and delicately while hugging me. He said, “babe, you and I are not in competition. It does not matter what you choose to do so long as you’re happy and making a difference. You can do things I cannot do and I can do things you cannot do. When you put us together we make an awesome team.” I needed to hear this from him. I needed the validation that it’s okay to change course and do something different, because my happiness IS important, and no matter what comes our way, we will figure it out as husband and wife, as a team. I knew I married this man for a reason.

 I do not have to live a frantic life if it’s draining me more than filling me up. I do not have to prove anything to anyone and it does not matter what anyone else thinks what I should be doing with my life. Caring what others think does not work for me. Living simply and happily is OK. It’s success, if it’s success for you. Being a leader is knowing what works for you. You can be a leader as a stay-at-home parent because raising little people is important and requires strong leadership. You can be a boss with the big office and large bank account, or work as a barista…you name it. The cool thing is, you can be a leader ANYWHERE and the world needs leaders everywhere.

I’ll leave you with some quotes that I had to write down because of how inspiring and relevant they are to what I’m going through. I found these in a couple of books I’m reading and I hope they speak to your heart too.

“Whatever I build from here on out, whatever I make, whatever I write, whatever I create, I want the fuel that propels it to be love- not competition, not fear, not proving”. –Shauna Neiquist

“I may not have gone where I intended to go, but I think I have ended up where I needed to be.” -Douglas Adams

 I will let love fuel me to a more peaceful way of living, because that’s where I need to be.

With love,
Keena

Thirty minutes before an important job interview my beloved dog Augie (short for Augustana, the name of the college my husband and I attended. Adorable right?) ran away from me and across several of my neighbor’s yards. I ran out in my flip flops, hair half done and wearing nice work pants. Once I finally caught up to her I scooped her up and she looked at me and excitedly licked me in the face like “hey, mom that was quite the run!” It’s probably my fault for trying to train her to run with me in the mornings. She was just doing her thing as usual. But this was not just a usual morning for me. I had been scouring job postings for days trying to find agencies that are hiring counselors, and on this day I finally had a job interview that had a very desirable job description attached. I had been looking forward to this conversation since I received the interview invitation earlier in the week.

I ran back to my house, completely out of breath with fresh mud-caked dress pants. Thank goodness this interview was by phone! I calmed myself and began reviewing my notes as I patiently waited for the phone call. I started to stare at my phone five minutes before it was scheduled to ring. Finally, it rang and I quickly answered and enthusiastically I said “Hi, this is Keena”. The HR lady asked me if I was good with jumping right in with the first question and I stated that I was ready.  She asked me why I wanted to work at this organization and I had my answer all ready to go. After I finished answering, she said “oh, you don’t have an LCPC”. For those of you wondering what that stands for it is: Licensed Clinical Professional Counselor (LCPC). And I am a Licensed Professional Counselor (LPC). So in my world, this is one step up from where I’m currently at. I stated “yes, that is true, but the job description says ‘or eligible’ and I will be eligible once I gain all of my hours”. Her response was “you’re not qualified. Have a great day”.

Ouch…that stung. At first I was angry because I wondered why they even set up an interview with me if they knew that I was an LPC looking to gain my LCPC as stated on my resume. It felt like a waste of time and I had prepped and everything! After anger subsided I became self-conscious and ultimately just felt disappointed and sad. When she said “you’re not qualified”, I heard “you’re not good enough” and “you’re a failure and stupid for thinking you were qualified for this job”. This lady did not say these things at all, but this is how I felt.

Failure. Not good enough. You’re stupid. These self-deprecating thoughts were bouncing around my head all day. These thoughts left me feeling emotionally and physically spent.

This is when I start to let myself think that everything I’ve done has been for nothing. I often think that I’m never going to find a job in my field or actually be successful at this. And this is so far from the truth. No one tells you how long it takes leaders to gain their success. It takes YEARS of experience and careful strategy and planning. Having the right people in your corner also doesn’t hurt. But here I am thinking that I’ve done the work now and I’m ready! But the truth is, I still have a lot of work to do. Instead of praising myself for having achieved my educational goals and being a go-getter about making another goal of gaining my clinical license, I’m calling myself a failure.  Even though I’m still building my tool box needed to support my future, sometimes I feel like I am doing it all wrong.  

I am struggling to figure out how people are supposed to gain work experience in the field when EVERYONE wants someone who has a few years of experience. Where in the world do you start? As I was reflecting on this the only thought that came to me was “at the bottom”. You start at the bottom and you climb that ladder with everything you have. I feel like I’ve been climbing the ladder for a very long time. Literally, it’s the never-ending skyscraper-high ladder. Up to this point I have spent all of my life getting my education and making financial and personal sacrifices to get where I am today. I’ve done the hours, I’ve put in my sweat, blood, and tears (mostly tears) and still find myself facing hiring managers telling me that I’m just not qualified.

This is so frustrating and very disappointing.

One thing that I would always ask my therapy clients when I was practicing was “would you say the same thing you’re saying to yourself to a close friend?” Their answer was always “no”. If you would never say these words to a friend, why would you say them to yourself? I have to ask myself this question, and when I do, I realize that I am being really mean to myself. I’m beating myself up and cutting away every shred of confidence I have left. And for what? The only thing I’m accomplishing is putting undue stress on my shoulders and asking myself to achieve unrealistic expectations. But I would never do that to anyone else…so what makes me so special?

Nothing. I’m just being a big bully…to myself.

When I’m having my failure feelings I always try to remind myself of what some of my favorite beach body workout trainers say because the relevance reaches beyond the workout room. Beach body trainer Sagi Kalev always shouts “fail forward!” during his difficult workouts. I wrote this down on the white board my husband and I keep in our workout area in the basement. We use the board to write down positive phrases that gets us through challenging workouts. This particular phrase stuck with me because so often we think that failure is falling backwards when it really moves you forward. Every time you miss the mark, you work that much harder to improve and get where you want to be. Reframing my thoughts on failure is helping me to push myself forward. But it's taking me a lot of work to fully embrace this. Failure becomes less negative and rather something to celebrate because it’s part of our own personal success story.  


I need to keep doing what I’m doing. Keep climbing that ladder and setting the next goal. I will continue to reframe my failure feelings to allow myself to fail forward. Ultimately, all of these small steps and goals will build me up to be what I’m envisioning. It’s going to be a tough climb, but I am up for the challenge. The climb is manageable as long as you love and support yourself like you would a friend. You deserve that self-love. I deserve that self-love. And when we fail, remember we are failing forward.

How do you fail forward?

With love,
Keena

Happy Friday everyone! Today’s a vacation day for me so I’m starting the 3-day weekend by jumping into my next blog. Happy reading!

<3 <3 <3<3

This week has been a very emotional and mentally exhausting week for me. If you read my blog from last week (which I know you did because this is your favorite blog, right? J) you will remember that I have been focused on what my future will look like and what that means for me. To fully disclose, I have been going back and forth on a decision to make a move to a new job. Anyone who has toggled with the idea of changing jobs or making a career change will understand how difficult of a decision this can be for a wide variety of reasons. The struggles range from financial concerns, new schedules and just adjusting to a new work environment. But sometimes there’s something else that makes it hard to move on and spread your wings. It starts with the letter S and is followed by 4 other letters. Can you guess what it is?? That’s right friends, it is:

SHAME.

I am feeling very ashamed. Why you ask? Well I’m not sure I know. All I know is, I’m feelin’ it, and it’s an icky feeling; one that is hard to shake. I want to spend some time unpacking that right here with you in total therapist style because let’s face it, it is what I do.

I, like everyone else, buys into the same idea of how society defines success. The idea of success is measured by the size of the deposit made into your bank account on pay day. It’s glorified by what you have versus what you contribute. Success is when people listen to you instead of you being the listener. Success equals the long hours you spend in the office (probably being too tired to really get anything done) than by what you did accomplish during the day. Success is working harder even though you’re completely stressed and burned out and hanging by a thread. Success is not showing emotion because it is a weakness. Do people really think down on you when you show emotions in the work place? Oh heck yes they do. I have cried in front of my boss more times than I care to admit, but that’s how my body handles stress and I’m working on being okay with that.

I am feeling shame because I’m burdened with this image of success as I transition to something new.  Will my bank account take a hit? yes, probably. Will some view me as a quitter? yeah, maybe some will. But I’ve been robbing myself of true happiness, and the only one who has to live my life is ME; and I want happy, so I need to let some of this go (cue the “Let it Go” song from Frozen). 

I need to make this change to protect my happiness. So I will take the pay cut. I will keep letting my tears flow when they are forcing their way out because sharing vulnerability IS leadership. I will be the listener. I will put in the hours, but I will make time for me and my family. I will value what I contribute over the things I have because I’m choosing happiness. I’m choosing me.

Deciding to take a moment to figure out your next step is simply knowing who you are. In my opinion, that makes for a great leader. If you are in tune with your strengths, weaknesses and your passion, you will achieve great things and you can guide others to do the same. WE are society and that means it is directly in our power to re-shape what success means. It should look different for every person and that is really beautiful!

So if you’re up for it, ponder this question: what does your success look like?

With love,

Keena

P.s. If you want to dig in and learn some more about shame, I highly recommend all the books written by Brené Brown. She dedicates her work to researching shame. Her work has been a blessing to me so look it up!

Welcome to week three! Three weeks of blogging in the books and it feels great to be writing so much these days! I hope you’re ready to jump in!

When I was in high school I used to give the end of the day announcements over the entire school sound system to my fellow peers reminding them about upcoming events and the endless tasks kids that age need constant reminders about.   One day, as I was finishing up with the school announcements, the school secretary looked at me and stated “Keena, I could just see you in school for a long time pursuing a great path. Yeah, I see that for you”. To this day, I have no idea what prompted her to say that. Who knew that she could somehow see my future and know that after high school I would be spending the next seven years of my life pursuing multiple degrees and landing with a professional counseling license?! I didn’t see that. And I definitely didn’t see it all happening before turning 26 years old. And while some of you might think I’ve got some things figured out, the truth is…I don’t.

Yes, after seven years of school (and mountains of student loans) and one year of a professional job under my belt, I can honestly say…I’m still soul searching.   Don’t get me wrong, the work I’m doing is great and often times exciting, but I think a lot about the vast opportunities this world has to offer. I am blessed to have my education and work experience, but it does not mean that this is what it will always look like for me. And sometimes (actually most times), I worry about that. I’ve had the following thoughts:

“If I change my path will everything I’ve done so far be for nothing?”

“What if I can’t do anything else?”

“Am I doing everything wrong?”

I am passionate about the mental health field and the work to reduce stigma around mental illness. I enjoy supporting programs and building policy to help others. My soul is really moved when I get to be WITH people walking along-side them in their journey in that counseling office. I love this work, but I have MANY other interests too such as health and fitness (those of you who follow me on Facebook probably have gathered as much  J ).
 I realize that there’s not a “perfect” job, but I do believe there’s something out there that I haven’t discovered yet that interweaves many of my interests. However, sometimes I feel like I have boxed myself in and have closed myself off to doing anything different. Because different is scary.

So my question is…how do people figure it out? The answer? The only thing that comes to mind is: keep doing exactly what I’m doing. Keep living and learning. I may not have my vision quite yet and I don’t know what this life will bring me, but I show up every day in my work…and in my life. I truly believe that the only wrong thing to do is to do nothing. I believe things happen when you choose to show up.

Another thing, and I beg you; do not let anyone tell you there’s no such thing as enjoying your job. The people who say that are not happy and they likely did not hustle to achieve their dream. Don’t settle. Life is way too short not to love what you do.  The people who question this cannot think outside of the box. There has to be more opportunity outside of that box right?

I’ll leave you with this:

“Your work is going to fill a large part of your life, and the only way to be truly satisfied is to do what you believe is great work. And the only way to do great work is to love what you do.” –Steve Jobs

I couldn’t have said it better myself.

With love,

Keena

My goal is to create a weekly blog post, and in true therapist fashion I’m going to write about what’s pressing on my mind in the moment. Focusing on the here and now is a great skill I try to use and have used with others in therapy, so I’m going to practice here. So with that said, let’s begin.

Lately I’ve been asking myself the question, “what is the best way to learn?”  How do you master a certain skill set? For me (and probably most people), it’s through doing. You can’t really learn something until you’re forced to do it yourself. One of my high school math teachers used to say “if you can’t explain it, you don’t really know it”. I always keep this tucked away in the back of my mind. If I’m struggling to explain it, chances are I have more to learn.

Another great way to learn is through watching others who have the skills that you aspire to have.  I would say that this is very crucial to learning. Every day I listen, watch and act as a sponge. I take notes on how people say things so that I can practice saying it myself. Yep, I even practice saying it out loud before I have to talk to others. I still fumble through my work and I’m always tweaking how I explain things, but I improve through watching those who have mastered it.

While this is a great strategy for learning, there is a potential downfall to this method. There is the possibility that you might lose yourself…you might forget who you are. You might try to be something you’re not by trying too hard to become like the people you admire. You know how I know this? Because I’ve been there. I’ve done it. I have lost myself and have tricked myself into believing that “Keena’s way is the WRONG way”. That if I don’t sound like or perform like everyone around me, then something is wrong with me. And my biggest self-defeating thought of all is, “I’m just not as smart as them”. Just so you know, that was painful for me to type because this is an ugly battle I struggle with regularly…and I feel vulnerable sharing that.

The point is, you must strive to be genuine, and that can be hard when you’re a newbie. Here’s a list of questions that I came up with to ask myself to keep this in check:

       1.       Does it sound like me?
       2.       Is what I’m saying align with what I believe?
       3.       Does it feel right? Does it feel natural?
       4.       Where do I feel uncomfortable and why? (These are likely the places you need to improve).

It can be incredibly useful to have others around you to observe and learn from, but don’t forget the ways you already shine. Be YOU and avoid twisting yourself into the image of what you think you should look like. Because the outcome? Well, let’s just say, it’s not a happy place, and if you’re like me you know from experience.

The beautiful reality is, is that we have the opportunity to embrace our creative selves. I always used to say “I’m not a creative person”. And this friends, is a big fat lie. I am creative and so are you. So let’s tap into that and let it drive our work while we look to others for guidance and helpful tips.

Staying true to you, is the best gift you can give yourself. Be kind to yourself, and most importantly love yourself through it all.

After trying desperately to fall asleep the other night, I decided at exactly 12:16 am that I would start a blog. I got up, grabbed my computer and began this first entry. For those of you who know me well, you will understand that it’s unusual for me to be awake and conscious at this hour because bed time happens routinely for me around 9 or 9:30…even on the weekends. (Yes, the age 26 is that exciting.) If I don’t follow my regular scheduled programming, I am not a pleasant person. However, my brain is wrestling with some pretty big thoughts and I just felt that I had to get these down in writing…mostly for own self-care but also with the hope of reaching others.  

The thoughts that are keeping me up are not new. They are with me every day and everywhere I go. I want to talk about them because I think others can easily relate and I know I need to talk. But first, let me give some background on me…

My name is Keena Wilson and I am a 26 year old recent graduate entering into the professional world for the first time. I am a Licensed Professional Counselor with a focus on clinical mental health. Currently, I work as a consultant within a state government setting helping to reform the world of children’s mental health. It’s truly incredible work…but this experience is what I find often keeping me up at night. Not just around the issues surrounding the field of mental health (although there are tons of issues  that keep me grumbling) but it’s more about the thought I have too many times of “what the heck am I doing here? I can’t possibly be cut out for this work.” This is my first big girl job, and it is not an easy one. Being a young professional is challenging. Every day I am learning and trying to keep up with the big dogs who have decades more experience than I. I am slowly learning to deal with the stressors of not knowing everything that I think I should.

I’m not someone who looks for sympathy when life gets hard, but I do think it’s important to talk about the trials we face, so…I am sharing my story. I am sharing my story and my on-going experience of learning to embrace my journey. I also hope to inspire others who too often feel consumed by self-doubt and fear which can hold us back. I know it holds me back. I want to start a conversation about developing a professional career by shedding some light into the real challenges of aspiring to be a leader. I LOVE reading and consuming the stories of great leaders today and how they got to where they are at now. I can’t finish one book fast enough before I’m on to the next, or finish a single episode of a podcast before my interest is piqued by the title of another. I’m hungry (maybe hangry) for knowledge, wisdom, and success. But it’s not something you just receive wrapped with a bow. It’s a process. And the process is a struggle. And the struggle is real.

During my graduate training my professors would always say “trust the process”. Silently, I thought “screw the process”. Every time I heard them say that I wanted to crush something because I truly thought they said it only to cause pain. And now, I’m beginning to realize that is not true (I certainly hope not because these people were counselors after all). What I’m opening my eyes to is that this life is an adventure, and at every step of the way we will experience new challenges and we will be forced to adapt in some way. I get this, but man oh man, do I ever struggle with accepting it. I want to be great NOW. I want to be an expert at this moment and I want to get there fast. When I think like this, I’m missing the essence of the gifts given to me that I’m CHOOSING not to acknowledge. I’m being given the opportunity to wrestle with and figure out who I am and where I can have an impact on this world. I don’t appreciate what I have to offer and what I already bring to the table. I need to acknowledge that right now, my gifts are motivation, drive, and passion. These are all important qualities when entering into a professional career. The rest of what I am striving for will surely follow, but first, I need to live it out. I need to live out the discomfort that comes with mistakes and failures. Living it out is the ONLY path to success because it is the best tool for learning. I need to allow myself to stumble and fall and then stand back up and push forward. I need to LIVE IT OUT! Not living it out leads to stagnation. You know that saying, "no pain, no gain".

I want to bring my struggles here and start a conversation about fear and self-doubt while becoming a young leader. I also hope to provide some tools that I’m learning to incorporate into my life that others may also find useful. My goal is not to make it big in the blogging arena. Quite frankly, I’m not sure if this will even be of interest (ugh I sense some self-doubt as I write that!). But I’m willing to try, to put myself out there because really, I want to challenge myself to manage my fears and push to deal with them head on. I hope others want to share this process with me because I don’t believe that anyone gets anywhere alone. It’s simply not possible because we are not designed to exist in isolation.

So won’t you join me? Maybe we can figure this out together.