Gratitude

Hello friends and Happy September! I don’t know about you, but I’m ready for all the goodness that September has in store! September marks the beginning of Fall, and while technically it starts on September 22^nd it begins today for me and other Fall lovers! Not only am I excited about the Fall season, but I’m also excited because my husband and I will be finding out whether we will be raising a little girl or boy at the end of this month! We are already planning the gender reveal party for our families, and we just can’t wait! My heart feels so full every single day that I carry this baby. I can’t wait to show our child the world and enjoy all the milestones!

The end of this month will also put at us at halfway through the pregnancy which blows my mind! Time really is flying already. I’m feeling the pressure of getting things done, and my nesting process has already started. As we speak, there are two guys are in the nursery working on refinishing the beautiful wood floors. This was the first task before tackling anything else. I have very specific themes and colors in mind so the decorating won’t really start until after we know the gender. I think about this every day and dream about what it will look like in the next few months. If there’s a maximum space limit for pins on Pinterest either I’ve hit it or I’m close! I’m having a really good time daydreaming and planning. And I’m a planner so when I say I have a list, believe me, I do! Baby probably won’t care at all, but this momma wants her baby to enjoy a beautiful and thoughtful room.

While I plan the decorations, my husband is brainstorming ways to make the nursery a sleep sanctuary. He values sleep (good sleep) like no one else I know. It makes sense given that his sleep time is not always consistent or abundant. So his primary focus at the moment is good sleep for daddy, mommy, and baby! Make no mistake, we realize raising babies is difficult and sleep is not a guarantee for anyone on any given night, but we can certainly do our best! We will do our best and forget the rest. I’ve shared that phrase before in my blogs, but I’m really embracing it as we prepare to enter parenthood. I am under no illusion that parenting will be easy and it will be more than having a beautiful nursery. There will be more messes as well as sleepless nights headed our way. And you know what? I’m okay with that. I’m more than okay with that. I’m ready to embrace the hard times because I know the good always outweighs the bad. We will inherit the inevitable worry that comes with raising a child and wonder if we’re doing it "right" at times. I work with many parents and I always remind them that the best thing they can do is to go home and love their children. That’s what I plan to do. I also plan to practice gratitude every single day.

I began my gratitude practice only a short while ago. Don’t get me wrong, I’ve always been thankful and grateful but when I learned that it was an actual practice that would change my mindset I wanted to learn more about how it could enrich my life. Every morning before work I spend time writing out what I’m grateful for and why. I try to get as specific as I can so that I can really appreciate what I’m giving thanks for. Also, at dinner time my husband and I share with each other what we’re thankful for before we eat dinner. It was something that he suggested, and so he leads our evening gratitude. There’s nothing more attractive than a man who gives thanks. That may sound weird, but I really love this about him. He has such a grateful heart and he’s always reminding me about things to be grateful for.

All of this is to say that gratitude has profoundly changed my life, my vision, and my mindset. Without it, I just seemed to focus on things that weren’t going right…or my way I should say! It’s helped me to let go of the little things and trust more. Gratitude is what will us get through the hard times of parenthood. So as we prepare in the next 5 short months to welcome a baby, our grateful hearts will be ready.

Today I am grateful for:

1.       Cool weather so I can air out my house

2.       Having one day this weekend to relax with my husband (he will be working most of it)

3.       Our sweet, growing baby

4.       A career where I can help others find peace and meaning in their lives

What are you grateful for today?

With Love,
Keena

11 Weeks and Counting

Hello friends! It’s been quite a while since I’ve posted in my blog. Things have been a whirlwind and summer is passing by so quickly! Which I’m okay with because I’m ready for crisp fall weather, beautiful leaves and the smell of campfires. Anyway, here’s what’s been going on lately…

Since finding out that we were expecting, my life has been work, sleep, eat and repeat. That’s basically it. I’m sleeping for up to 10-12 hours every single day. I’ve never needed so much rest in my life. I’ve been told to listen to my body and do what it wants. It takes a lot of work to grow a baby! It can be frustrating though to be so tired all of the time despite my best efforts at exercise, drinking gallons of water and trying to eat healthy. Sleep is sleep, and nothing makes up for that! I keep telling myself to do my best and forget the rest.

Somewhere between work, sleep, and eating my mind also makes time for worry and anxiety. I have worried about this child since the day I got a positive pregnancy test. I worried so much before our first appointment about what we would or wouldn’t see. We were so grateful to see our little baby and watch our baby’s heart flicker on that screen. Baby had a wonderful heart beat and I just couldn’t believe that what I was seeing was actually inside of me. I have two beating hearts in my body. How is that anything but miraculous? I can’t even describe the feeling. I could’ve watched baby bounce around all day. I stare at our sonogram often and I pray every single day that God will see that this baby continues to grow healthy and strong. But my mind fears the worst…and so the hard work I’ve been doing is keeping my mind in a healthy space.

We decided to tell everyone right away that we were pregnant. I was 2 months along when we announced and I’m still not even out of the first trimester, but I’m very close. We were too excited to keep the wonderful news to ourselves. Craig and I decided together that we wanted to share in the joy with everyone right away because as long as this baby is growing inside of me, this baby is to be celebrated. What a pure joy we’ve been feeling! I’m sure there are some out there that think we shared too early and there are countless blogs that advise the earliest you should tell is 12 weeks. And what I’ve come to believe is that the 12 week “rule” is absurd. Since opening up about our pregnancy losses I’ve come to know other women who’ve experienced loss in the way I have which was prior to 12 weeks, but I’ve also met several women who’ve experienced loss at 16, 20, and 40 weeks. Also as many of you know, my sister lost her first son at full-term. Having a healthy baby is never a full-on guarantee. It’s an unimaginable loss at any point, but that goes to show that having a baby really is a miracle. At the end of every day I thank God that I’m still pregnant and I ask for another day.

After our first appointment I finally allowed myself to look in the closet where I stored the few things we had been given from our second pregnancy. My mom bought me this really cute pregnancy tracking book that allows me to journal about each pregnancy milestone. I had started to write in it with our second pregnancy so when I opened that book back up, my heart remembered the pain I had felt with our losses. Instead of marking out what I had already written, I decided to keep it and just add to it with this pregnancy. I can’t take away our first two losses. When I was writing in that book, those were moments of joy for me that I don’t want to erase.

Not all days are wrought with anxiety and worry though. I’m having more good days than bad, but sometimes when it’s bad, it’s bad. I just try to take one day at a time and be grateful along the way. Some days I sit in what will be the baby room and I dream of all the things I want to do with it. What decorations would look good. I can see myself sitting in a rocker holding my baby. I daydream a lot. I already began our registry to get a start on things. I’m looking at daycares and reading up on breast feeding and homemade baby foods. I’m looking for baby furniture and trying to find good deals. I’m doing all of the things that expecting mothers typically do, but I question a lot if it’s too early, or if I should wait a bit longer. That may sound strange, but after two losses I still battle a piece of me that wants to keep waiting until I know for sure while on the other hand knowing that nothing is guaranteed at any point. I’m still working on this, but I’m giving myself permission to plan for this baby as if all is well. And all IS well right now. Baby looks good according to my doctor and I trust her.

 

 Take a look for yourself. Isn’t that amazing? You can see arm buds and the dark shape of one eye and the baby’s attachment to the placenta. I’m in awe!

 I’ll keep praying and will cherish every day of pregnancy. I’ll be praying for all the other mama’s who need it too.

With love,

Keena

Love by Connection

Every morning, I spend around 20-30 minutes walking my little beagle, Augie. It’s something that we both look forward to and enjoy each morning. Lately, there have been more and more people out and about in the early morning, likely because of the gorgeous weather we’ve had. We get stopped frequently so people can meet my little Augie. She’s a charmer and hard to resist! Almost every morning we meet someone new, which is nice and refreshing to meet those I live around. Usually people ask me what her age and name is, and then after a few minutes we go our separate ways. Today was different. Today we met a lady who got me thinking about one of our basic needs…and that’s our need for connection. Within less than 5 minutes I knew so much about her life. Here’s how the conversation started:

Ms. B: “Hi there, your dog is cute, can you walk mine?”

My first impression was that this was a strange request to a stranger.
Me: “uhhh, Hi.” (I didn’t know what to say lol).
Ms. B: “Just kidding, my neighbor offered to do it for me. I just feel so bad that I can’t walk my dog anymore. Can I meet your dog?”
Me: “sure…”

I walked Augie up to this lady who looked even smaller and frailer up close. She sat down and began lovin’ on Augie. As I was getting ready to pull Augie away and continue our walk, (I was running late for work), she said, “I hope you never get breast cancer. Look…one of my teeth just fell out this week. How can I face anyone?”

I was not prepared for this conversation, but it was clear that she was yearning to talk to someone about what she was going through. She explained to me that she was an attorney who had to quit practicing because she couldn’t do her job very well anymore due to chemotherapy. She was sad because she couldn’t walk her dog as much. She told me that she never could have imagined what going through breast cancer would’ve been like…and then it happened. Woman to woman, I felt her pain, yet couldn’t imagine her grief. More so, I could sense that she was lonely. I have no idea if she is/was married or had a close support network, but even when you do, pain shrinks your world.

I’ve never experienced cancer or any terminal illness, but the way I can relate to pain lately is through my pregnancy losses. I understand what it feels like to crave connection during difficult times. I know what it’s like to be ignored and not heard. I understand that it hurts when the world keeps moving as if nothing is wrong when you’re aching so much inside and no one knows it. Or worse, if others do know it, they ignore it. I was left wondering if that’s how she felt. Her feelings just started tumbling out as if she couldn’t stop them. That’s what happens when you long for connection.

I felt conflicted because I didn’t want to be rude, but I needed to be on my way. I quickly realized that there was no way that I could cut her off and keep walking. It just didn’t feel right. So, I stayed. She wanted our dogs to meet and she wanted to feed Augie treats (Augie didn’t complain). But I think what she really wanted was some of my time. I helped her up by holding onto her arm and waist and walked with her to the gate so our puppies could meet. I could feel her physical weakness and she praised my youthful strength. Unfortunately, Augie was not a fan of her dog, but the woman was thrilled with their interaction.

After talking for a while, she extended her hand and shook mine and asked me my name. She wished me a good day, and I said the same. I went on my way and thought about her the rest of my walk home. I immediately offered up thanks for my health, but also prayed that this lady I met would experience healing, both physically and emotionally. All I could think of was what a harrowing journey she’s traveling. I just hope that she’s not traveling it alone. It is hard to be open with the rawness of our struggles, but at some point, we just have to stop trying to bear it alone.

The current book I’m reading is called “Option B” written by Sheryl Sandberg and Adam Grant-it’s so great. They discuss this need to be “okay” despite our struggles. They referenced the work of psychologist David Caruso when explaining this phenomenon. He explained, “all over the world, there is cultural pressure to conceal negative emotions.” And further, “there’s this relentless drive to mask the expression of our true underlying feelings. Admitting that you’re having a rough time is almost inappropriate.” We’ve all felt this right? I know I have.

I’ve heard repeatedly in personal relationships as well as from my clients that emotions and struggles are not to be shared. Where in the world did this lie come from?? Almost everyone who connected with me on pregnancy loss expressed that they wish they hadn’t kept it to themselves. Why you ask? Because it was unbearable. Pushing away pain does not banish it nor lessen it. Without care, it festers on our soul. And I believe that the only remedy is connection.

I chose to connect with someone today who desperately needed listened to. That’s the greatest gift we can give anyone. Listen, connect, and hear someone’s story. You never know who you’re going to meet or what fascinating story you’ll be missing if you choose to walk away. Next time you see someone struggling or if it seems like they want to talk, simply ask, “how are you today?” And then not let the answer “good” suffice. Ask even if you’re uncomfortable. And if you’re being asked, give them the real answer. There’s a difference between complaining and being honest about where you’re at. I’m working on being the question asker and giving honest answers when asked. There is no shame in that, only the possibility for connection.

So, my sweet friends: How are you today? Really though, how are you?
I’m here for you.

With love,
Keena  

Two Years after "I Do"

I didn't think marriage could be so hard, but after two years into mine, I understand why a twenty, thirty, or fifty year marriage anniversary is really something to celebrate. I know that sounds harsh and maybe insinuates that I'm not happy in mine, but that's not the case. I am happy with my marriage and I love being married! I'm thankful to share life with someone, committed together as one. People did tell me it would be hard, but how do you know what that means until you've experienced it? I really didn't know. I will never forget a good friend of mine who gave me a sweet card when I got engaged and she wrote, "remember this moment when the hard ones come". If she's reading this, then all I can say is, Thank You. Thank you for reminding me that it's not all bliss and that I'd need to hold onto the good when the hard times would inevitably happen. I appreciate the honesty you extended me. I still have that card!

The first month or so of marriage was pretty great! We started it off in Hawaii soaking up the sun and living in a blissful honeymoon! Shortly after, we bought our first home together and started to enjoy the freedoms of home owning even though it was a huge learning curve on the topics of escrow, interest rates, property tax, loan types, ect., but we still enjoyed the experience. That next month we both started our new jobs-Craig started as an orthopedic surgery resident, and I began my career as a consultant over children's mental health programs. We jumped into some pretty fast currents of work that demanded our brain power and stamina at a completely different level than any of our previous higher education ventures. The new expectations at this work level took its toll emotionally and physically. We had to figure out how to coordinate two busy schedules to get things done at home while taking care of ourselves and our growing marriage.

As we worked hard to establish ourselves in our careers, we had to stop and examine our together identity. Were we spending quality time together? Were we taking the time to check in with one another? Were we both contributing to house work? Many times we've had to put our heads down and grind through the long stretches of being apart and just get stuff done when things needed to be done. One thing I really admire about Craig is his grit. I've never seen someone work without complaint like he has, and short cuts are not his thing.

Also when starting out, we had the awkward growing pains of remembering the "we" in everything. Every decision was now for "us" not "me" or "you". This was especially true for finances. We've read a lot of books on finance during these past two years and came to realize that this would only truly work if we treated all money as "ours". While we still struggle with agreeing on a monthly budget (thanks to Amazon), we have at least decided that it would be a shared struggle. Coming together like that wasn't easy, and it's still hard, but we continue to work hard as a team.

Since being married these past two years, Craig's work schedule and responsibilities have grown which has continued to stretch thin his time at home. I have started 3 different jobs and have finally landed where I'll be for awhile. Starting a new job is on the list of most stressful life events and I've done it 3 times since we got married. Every month or two Craig is on a new surgical rotation requiring him to learn a new skill set which is comparable to getting a new job every few months. We are learning information at an intense rate and have not reached "comfortable" quite yet. I don't expect comfort and confidence to be there yet, we just started, but it doesn't make it easy.

So we checked the wedding, starter home, and jobs off on our list. Then we decided that we would start trying for a family once we were in the clear of year 2 of residency. We didn't know that our journey to parenthood would include two miscarriages in a row. Another hurdle...but this time it was one that wrecked my heart. Both happened at a time when I was new to a job. I've had the experience of crying in the offices of two new bosses so that I could ask to have a day or two to grieve at home. When you're trying to put your best foot forward and impress your leadership, it's incredibly hard to be vulnerable even though your heart is aching. But I had to. I had to be vulnerable because there was no way I could keep all of that in and do a good job for the people I serve without taking care of myself first. And that meant approaching my respectable leaders with an open heart and my raw experiences. I'm so grateful because I was met with hugs, kind words, and excused time off. That's grace in its finest hour. I'm so grateful not just to work for good leadership, but just all around good people. I want to be that kind of leader.

So what did the miscarriages do to our marriage? I want to say that we were completely comforted by one another. But we weren't. (I shared this in a previous blog post, but I'll repeat some of it here for the sake of relevance to this post.) Craig wanted to pick up and move on. I wanted to stop and feel the emotions and just sit with that pain because I couldn't keep it down and away. I'm a therapist for crying out loud...this is what I do with people every day. I help people come face-to-face with their pain for the purposes of healing. So for me, there was no other way of dealing with it except to work through it, not past it. I'm not bashing my husband for how he dealt with it. I'm just trying to illustrate for you the differences in how people in a marriage deal with pain and how important it is to pay attention to these differences. Eventually we spent time talking about our feelings and met with professionals who comforted us by acknowledging the normalcy of our differences.

In the past two years, we've had fights that have brought us to tears. One thing that I'm so happy for is that we have this unspoken agreement that name-calling and cursing is completely unacceptable when we fight, and we've never crossed that. We don't always get along, but we have this deep respect for one another that allows us to stay away from that junk. What we have been working on is coming together to apologize and to admit when we are wrong. This one is so hard...so so hard. When I feel that I'm right, I don't want to apologize. But what I've learned is that apologizing isn't giving in and foregoing my beliefs. No, see apologizing is a humble practice that allows you to love another person more fully because it says, "hey, I'm sorry if I hurt your feelings. I want to connect with you, not fight." Apologizing gives me peace and it humbles me to admit that I'm not right about everything (I'm close though! lol). But for real, next time you fight, apologize to your husband or wife, people. I promise it will help your relationship and your heart.

Lately, I've seen a few shared articles on social media that challenge the point of being married because studies have shown that marriage does not make you happier. You know what I think? Those studies are right! Marriage does not bring you more happiness. It is not a guaranteed level of happiness once you say your vows and sign that legal paper binding you together. But this is the problem...if you're getting married to be happier then you're going to be extremely disappointed. They are studying the wrong question. I got married because I wanted someone to walk with me through the good, the bad, and the ugly. I wanted someone who I could grow up with and experience new together. I wanted to feel joy with someone. To me, joy is a much deeper construct than happiness. Joy is a result of the good and the bad. I'd much rather have that than be pulled into the lie that one person can bring you all this daily happiness. That is too much of an expectation for one person. No one is responsible for that except for you, but joy is something shared and cultivated together. Yep, that's what I want-JOY.

When I look back, it's amazing all that has happened in the past two years. We've spent 730 days as husband and wife and it feels like not enough time for all that has happened. I'm so grateful for our marriage. I'm joyous that I get to experience a deep love, an imperfect love-one that is forgiving and uplifting even in the hard times. Something our Pastor said during our ceremony that stuck with me is this:

"Marriage requires love, and teaches love. It is an adventure."-Pastor Priggie

 

Spot on.

 

Happy 2nd Anniversary my dearest love, Craig. I can't wait to see how the rest of our story unfolds.



 

With love,

Keena 

Love Yourself First

Hello friends and happy Thursday!

I’m on a theme here with writing about the littles in my family so I’m stickin’ with that today as well. Last time I wrote about my first-born nephew, Samuel in remembrance of his 5^th birthday. Now I find myself inspired to write about my niece Mira who’s about to turn 4 in two weeks-something that I can’t wrap my mind around. I thought of her because I was in a conversation with my older sister (Mira’s momma) and we were talking about unconditional love and encouragement. Our conversations are known to get deep! I love our sisterly talks so much-what a blessing they are to me!

Today we were talking about how uncommon it is for people to practice unconditional love and encouragement. We are only truly happy with others if they are acting, doing, and speaking how we think they should. These are conditions, or expectations we have of others that get in the way of us extending our love to one another.  It’s hard for us to love people just as they are…unless you’re Mira. Because that girl loves everyone and I want to share (or proudly brag) about her beautiful gifts.

Lots of children are loving, kind, and caring…there’s a pureness to children that we all can admire. As we get older, we realize the brokenness of the world and it becomes a fight to love as deeply as children do. Mira has this gift like most children…but her level of love, encouragement, and gratitude is strikingly abundant when you meet her at just 3 years young. I’ve never been around a child that could lift your heart in the ways she can. As a student of child development, I’ve learned that children her age are very egocentric. In other words, children mostly care about themselves. Perspective-taking is something they have not yet mastered. It’s natural and all children have some level of egocentrism. Mira makes me question if she’s only 3 because her compassion for others is undeniable.

Mira is always asking “you okay?”. She notices when others get hurt and is quick to kiss any owies and then asks “you better?”. She wants to know that you’re okay. If I could bottle up her sweet voice and play it on the hard days, I would. Her attentiveness to those hurting is such a gift. She’s always coming up to me and saying “Aunt Keena, Augie is sad. She’s so sad.” I always tell her that Augie (my beagle pup) is happy and then Mira will perk up. I’m not sure why she’s always telling me that my dog is sad, but maybe she senses something that I don’t. Maybe she wants Augie to feel included too. Either way, her focus on feelings points to her caring soul-one that isn’t self-focused. She’s watching and she wants others around her to feel good. As adults, how often are we taking the time to acknowledge each other’s pain? Are we seeing the hurt around us? Are we offering words of encouragement? Are we celebrating the good times with one another?

That’s the other thing she’s so good at. She has the beautiful gift of encouragement. Gosh she’s so good! If you want to feel good about yourself, you need a hang-out date with this little girl. Last weekend she came up to me and said, “Aunt Keena, you’re so pretty” and then she hugged me. She’s always giving the biggest compliments. One time when I had her at my house she said, “you’re the best ever Aunt Keena”.

*Cue the tears and the BIG heart melt.*

Seriously, she knows how to make me feel so good about myself. And the reason she can do this is because she loves herself. Mira practices what we therapists call positive self-talk. In other words, she’s so nice to herself! The things you will hear Mira say includes:

“I so gorgeous!”, “I so smart”, and “wook at me, I so strong!”.

She believes all these good things about herself. She doesn’t ask “am I prettier than her?” or say “I’m not smart enough”. How often do we compare ourselves to others? How often do we put ourselves down? I’m guessing we do this a lot. And when we do this self-shaming, we can’t begin to love others unconditionally because we have conditions for ourselves. Self-love has to come first. It is the key that lets us love others. It is the main ingredient of kindness. It allows us to celebrate ourselves and others knowing that there’s enough appreciation and love to go around for all of us. We forget that as adults. The lack of self-love leads us to compare beauty and success. But when you can celebrate your own gifts, you gain the freedom to celebrate others’. She thinks she’s gorgeous and that you’re gorgeous too and that both are to be celebrated. She can see the pure beauty in everything and everyone.

My prayer is that she always loves herself in this way. Because her self-love is a mirror to how she feels about those around her. As her Aunt I promise to help protect and nurture her level of self-love as the brokenness of the world will test and threaten her self-worth. Another girl will be mean to her and call her names and it will shake her. My hope is that her self-love will persevere in those moments and that she will be able to extend love to others who are less secure with themselves. (And then she will tell Aunt Keena who will then hunt this person down!) Just kidding…but for real.

As a therapist, I help people piece back together their self-worth every day. There is such a lack of self-love and let me tell ya-it’s destructive. What sweet little Mira has taught me is this: unconditional love starts with yourself.  When you encourage yourself, you can start to encourage those around you. You start to forget about comparisons and expectations which allows you to simply love.

Mira blesses me all the time with her overflowing love. I strive to be like her every day. Yep, I want to be more like the little girl who’s been on this earth 23 years less than I have. She’s amazing. If you’ve never met her, here’s the sweet little face I’ve been talking about.

(Photo Credit: Rachel Lynda Photography)

 

Her love is radiant and contagious. May we all love ourselves and others like she does!

In light of her upcoming 4th birthday I'm sharing our first picture together. I love you sweet baby girl!

With love,
Aunt Keena

An Aunt’s Perspective: Remembering Samuel David Mugford

Today would’ve been my sweet nephew’s 5^th birthday. Samuel David Mugford entered and left this world within one short hour after birth. I remember this day five years ago like it was yesterday. Time has healed hearts, but his memory never leaves. I witnessed every part of his life, and my heart is grateful for my time spent with him. I want to share his life with you from my eyes as his Aunt. This is my account of this day five short years ago…

Five years ago, I was a senior in college and was busy preparing for my next step in life. I was figuring out graduate school and moving three hours away from home. One day during that time, I remember my mom called me right before class and gave me the news that my sister and brother-in-law had received at their five month doctor’s appointment. She told me that the baby boy my sister was carrying was sick, and it didn’t look promising. I had no idea how to process that. I had no words…only tears. I debated on going to class and ultimately decided to go. I felt numb and could not get myself to participate in that class. I know that may seem strange that I went to class, but when bad news comes, it’s common that grief hits later. Plus, my sister and brother-in-law lived close to eight hours away from me at the time so I could not jump in my car and rush to them like I wanted to.

I called my sister after that class and when I dialed I had no idea what I was going to say. So, all I said was “I’m so sorry” and we cried. That’s all that needed to be said. What do you say to someone who has just found out her baby is sick with low chances of survival? What I know now is that there are no perfect words, but saying nothing would be a lot worse. I get this more now than ever after having gone through two miscarriages and having family or close friends go on without saying a word. Yes people, it hurts more than you know. Because when you go through pain, your world starts to feel pretty small. I imagine that’s how Sam’s parents felt.

I continued to move through the last few hoops of college as I nervously awaited Sam’s arrival. I was told that he could be born at any time given that he was sick so I always had my phone right next to me. Selfishly, I had hoped he would come at a convenient time for me because I also did not want to miss out on any last college memories. I’m being completely honest and it sounds selfish, I know…so I ask for grace as I continue. I remember talking over travel details and how I’d make up classes, finals, and last minute college grad to-dos with my mom. She was working hard to arrange for us all to be there for Sam’s birth. I’ll never forget what I’m about to tell you next and trust me, I have shame for it. I remember calling my sister at this point and asking her how she felt if I didn’t come. I know…how terrible of me. I was so caught up in my own world that I thought I could skip out and just get the pictures. All she said to me was this, “if you can live with knowing you missed this, then okay”. She didn’t shame me. She was being real with me. I thought it over, but didn’t quite yet know what I was going to do.

I think back now and wonder if I was trying to protect myself as well because of the deep sadness that I knew would come. Had I gone or stayed, deep sadness would’ve been the outcome regardless. As it turned out, Samuel showed signs of arrival as my parents and I were at my senior sorority parent’s brunch. I was so excited for this brunch because it marked the finale of my college years. Right as we sat down to eat, my mom got the call from my sister. It was time. I don’t think we’ve ever moved that fast. We walked quickly (almost running) to the car and drove home and packed bags within minutes and hit the road for the eight hour drive it took to get to Ann Arbor, Michigan. I’ve NEVER seen my mom drive that fast. We literally flew there with little stops and made it in time to watch what was one of the most impactful moments of my life.

We got to the hospital in the afternoon with plenty of time because Sam was not born until 3:20 am the next morning. The rush was worth it though! Turns out, babies come on their own time! My sister and brother-in-law decided to let everyone into the birthing room because they didn’t know how long they would have with baby Sam. After several hours of waiting, praying, and talking…Sam decided it was time. I was standing behind the doctors so that I could watch everything. There is nothing more miraculous than watching a baby be birthed. Hands down coolest thing ever and it gave me an appreciation for the woman’s body. How awesome is all I can say! My sister was a champ and even joked and laughed during birth…how amazing even when she knew her sweet baby wouldn’t stay for long. She rocks, that’s all I can say.

Sam came out and was immediately taken to a table by a team of doctors to be examined. I’ll never forget what I heard next…his sweet sweet baby cries. He cried and my heart leapt because I had hope that he might make it. After examining him, the doctors then swaddled him and gave him to my sister. There was nothing they could do…expect for his family to pour love over him. I stopped and looked around…it was a busy rush but I noticed the tears on those nurse’s faces as they continued to busily work. Bless their hearts…that is a job I do not envy. The doctor also waited in the room and gave time before he officially announced Sam’s time of death. All hearts broke into a million pieces in that moment. He lived for an hour, but he gave me a lifetime of gratitude and appreciation for life. I know he did the same for others as well. His testimony still lives.

I learned that hospitals give grieving parents as much time as they need with their baby before they take them away. I’m grateful for this. I watched him get bathed and dressed like any other baby would. I laid in the hospital bed with my sister and my sweet nephew between us. I kissed, loved, and cuddled a dead baby. I’m not trying to be crude when I use the word “dead”, but he was and it shows the depth of my experience. I never even stopped to think that I was kissing a dead baby. It was not weird at all because that’s what deep love does. After several hours, it was time to go…my sister was being released from the hospital. Sam was carried away in a white, satin lined basket. Watching her put him in there to have strangers take him away broke my heart even more. My heart broke more when I watched her get into the car without a baby carrier in tow. I was breaking inside for her and my brother-in-law.

I am so happy that I decided to show up that day. I’m grateful that my selfish wants were softened so that I could be there fully for this very important day. Sam lives on in my heart and the hearts of everyone who knows my wonderful sister and brother-in-law. Their story helps others experiencing similar grief today. Their experience gave me hope for my own grief in having lost two pregnancies through miscarriage. Their strength gives me strength.

In closing, I want to share with you my most favorite picture of me and my sweet nephew Samuel David Mugford. You are in my heart always. Happy 5^th Heavenly birthday sweet angel.

 





If you want to watch their beautiful story, click the link below. It's worth watching!

https://vimeo.com/cedarcreek/review/49570112/9241561506

With love,

Aunt Keena

Finding Joy on the Hard Days

Today is a hard day. It’s the kind of day that makes me want to curl up in my bed, sleep and forget all of my troubles. Ya know what I’m talking about? I’m sure most of you can think back to a day where this has happened and you struggled to see anything good about the day that lay ahead. The good news is that you and I are not alone! I’m learning to cope with these days, and I want to share with you how I’ve been handling this not so favorite day of mine.

A couple of weeks ago I shared that I was going through a miscarriage at 6 weeks pregnant. It’s still pretty raw for me with the little time that has passed, but I can feel my heart being healed. Since then, I’ve started a new job which has helped keep me busy and less focused on my broken heart. But make no mistake, the hurt is not gone. I feel it at night when I’m laying my head down on my pillow and saying my prayers. I feel it in the quiet or when a heartfelt song plays on the radio. I feel it when I see all the pregnant mamas out and about. I felt it when a woman who knew nothing about what I was going through stated out of frustration “you should never have kids”. She was dealing with a difficult situation with her own child, but it hurt to hear that. I really felt the sadness when I went to my OB appointment today to discuss everything with my doctor. When I checked in the receptionist asked “are you doing your sonogram first today?”. An innocent mistake made…but it stabbed my heart. The tears just started right then and there. I’m so grateful my sweet husband was standing by my side and just took me into his arms.

We had a helpful appointment with the doctor. She answered many of our questions and was able to put our minds at ease. She said things that I really needed to hear. When we left, I was still crying because I so badly wanted to be walking out with a picture of our baby. Instead, I was leaving with a handful of Kleenex.  I feel like my doctor is a great cheerleader for us and her confidence and tenderness only helped us in this difficult time. I love it when you come across a healthcare provider like this…I know I strive to be that way with the people I serve.

Although today has been hard on my heart, I know that there is still goodness and joy in today. While my joy did not come in the form that I had hoped, it came in other forms. Today is not even over, but I already have a lot of goodness that I want to share with you! I’m surrounded by joy and love and I want to take time to appreciate all that I’ve been blessed with. I hope you enjoy the pictures of what I'm grateful for today!

I told Augie to sniff on our lovely morning walk...

She decided to eat it instead lol

Her silliness brings me joy!

Out to lunch with my hubby after the doctor appointment.

Puffy eyes for me but such joy to share a meal with him!

I love spending time on the patio in

beautiful weather! I feel joy and complete comfort

when I'm in sunshine!

I get so much joy out of spending time in my garden

learning how to make things grow!

Fresh cut flowers for my new grace and

gratitude vase!

Flowers bring me so much joy!

 Yes today is hard. My heart is hurting and there have been tears, but I have been comforted by the goodness because I opened my eyes and looked around. There's always joy in the hard days, you just have to open your heart.

With love,
Keena