Hello Monday...and Anxiety

Happy Monday folks! I can tell it’s a Monday based on all of the mishaps of the day. Today’s mishaps include: the dog ripping out the garbage can all over the floor (for the hundredth time), my hubby addressing a card to the wrong person forcing me to tell said hubby (a very tired one at that) what he did and seeing his face drop in defeat, and having the realization that I had not meal prepped or grocery shopped and had nothing in the fridge to feed my family for the week. I have sticky notes on my phone and all over my desk at work with endless to-dos. I spent my lunch break on the phone with insurance and my doctor’s office while scarfing down leftover pizza that ultimately resulted in awful heartburn that I payed for for the rest of the work day. And while this was going on, I could feel my anxiety rising bit by bit. I feel anxiety very strongly in my body. My senses become overwhelmed and my throat tightens as if I have a sore throat coming on. For those who have never struggled with anxiety, it is a physical and emotional feeling. It can be too much. If you don’t take a step back, it can run you over. I’ve let it run me over, but not today.

I have always had anxiety throughout my life and have learned more about how I experience it over the years. When I was in college, I noticed that I would literally break out in hives every time I was nervous. Every single time. I wore scarves and shirts that completely covered my chest to hide it. I went to great lengths to hide my discomfort and anxiety. This continued all through graduate school and into my first job out of school. Oddly enough, this has not happened to me in a long time. Not because I haven’t had anxiety, because trust me, it comes and goes. I’m not sure why I don’t break out in hives anymore, but I feel it in other ways that I never have before. For instance, the tightening feeling in my throat is new and also uncomfortable. All of this to say-I struggle with anxiety, folks. But I am more at peace with it now than I ever have been. Like I explain to patients, the goal is not to NEVER experience anxiety. The goal is to manage it and deal with it in healthy ways when it does happen. Anxiety is not all bad. It motivates us in healthy ways, but often we experience it in really unhealthy ways. I will always have to work on how I deal with anxiety.

As I re-read my list of mishaps that I first typed out, I realize that there are way worse things going on in the world than that. But this is exactly how anxiety works! We build things up in our head and compile it to a point where it isn’t manageable. There will always be a to-do list and it will always get more intense with every new responsibility. Currently the to-do list we have to complete prior to Abel’s birth is just not feasible. The fact is, Abel won’t care one bit if his nursery is not 100% completed. It’s his momma who cares. But why? I have realized that I put way too much pressure on myself to do everything perfectly. Ugh, I hate that word. But man oh man, it’s truly something that I do struggle with. My personal work with anxiety is learning how to not let it consume me and being okay with doing my best each day. There will always be work to do, and I’m working on being okay with ending each day with peace about that. I’m always going to be pulled in a million different directions, and something has to give. Life will always be a balancing act and I’ll have to be intentional about what my focus is for each day.

I did not intend for this post to be about my struggle with anxiety, but clearly I needed to get that off of my chest! What I really wanted to write about is my upcoming work on revamping my blog! I’m currently researching a new web platform as well as re-shaping the structure and content of my blogs. I still want to write about day to day stuff as well as the big stuff going on in my life, but I also want a space where I can organize my thoughts, ideas, and creations. I plan to include different sections including: food and new recipes, health and fitness, and my recommended book list just to name a few. I feel like my ideas are all over the place and I want to streamline it so I can go back and easily find stuff. As you have probably come to know, I’m a pretty open book. I like to share because I love when others share their stories with me. I’ve also enjoyed hearing feedback from you all who follow my blog. It’s been fun writing and sharing life with you, and I’m excited to share it with you in a more organized way. Anyway, I’m not sure when my new blog will be ready, but hopefully soon! It’s on my to-do list 😊 lol!

Now it is time to rest. Good night friends!

With love,
Keena

Promotion! Promotion!

Yes, you read the blog title right-I’m getting a promotion! I’m super excited about this opportunity and I’ve been looking forward to it for a long time! The company benefits include: no PTO, no pay, sleepless nights, and no bonuses or raises. If you haven’t quite figured it out yet, the promotion I’m referring to is stay-at-home mommy (SAHM). While I will no longer be receiving the standard benefits that a career affords, I will be gaining much richer benefits that have no monetary value. I can’t wait to jump into this next phase of life!

For those who know me, you might find yourself surprised by my decision. I’ve been in the workforce non-stop since I was 15 years old. I started with serving ice cream cones at the small diner in my hometown. I then upgraded to a video store that I loved working at. It happened to have the best name ever, which was Cramm-It-N-Go Video and later changed to the name Sun, Fun and Frolic. Clearly not the best name choices, but it was a valuable work experience! I’ve always had the blessing of having steady employment, and every new job brought greater experiences (and higher pay). I worked my way up the ladder so to speak, and I can wholeheartedly say that I worked my butt off to be where I’m at. I’m also a feminist at heart. I believe in empowering and celebrating female leaders in the workforce. I think this passion of mine is one reason why I have worked so hard. Not because I felt the need to prove myself to anyone, but I needed to prove myself to me. I wanted to see what I was capable of. While this has always motivated me, I also have a deep desire to be a full-time mother to my sweet little boy.

Like I said, I’ve always had jobs-good jobs at that. When I graduated from graduate school, I had a wonderful opportunity working as a contractor for the State. I helped design mental health programs, provided support to community partners, and assisted families directly when needed. I dabbled in web design to provide the community with new and improved tools for clinical purposes. I met with State and National leaders in mental health. I led meetings with some of the most influential policy makers in the State of Illinois. When I took that job, my boss told me that he’d make sure I’d earn my keep. He held true to his word, and I worked hard to earn that money. Eventually, everything came to a head and I found myself incredibly unhappy. In fact, it’s fair to say that I was downright miserable. While I was getting to do cool things and learning so much and earning an admirable salary for someone fresh out of grad school, something was not adding up. My cup was running empty and I was running out of ways to fill it up.

I was working many hours and traveling quite a bit. I was not satisfied with my work environment and I took a lot of it home with me. While I was doing my thing, Craig was busy doing his. As I’ve talked about before, residency is another ball game. Our time together is limited and often times stressful because we still have to deal with life stuff that isn’t always easy. At this point in the game, I was running myself down quickly and it showed at home. For the past 11 months, I've been working in direct clinical work as a therapist. This is another demanding job that can be draining at times.

What I’ve learned about running successful organizations is that it’s all about risk management. Sometimes you have to cut spending to grow the company. Sometimes you have to move people around in positions to cover all of the job duties. This is representative of our household. We had to cut spending due to one less salary so I could stay home. I went from caring for hundreds of individuals and their families in the community to focusing on my own. It was put in my heart to make this decision, and until God tells me otherwise, this is what I’ve been preparing for all along. The skills I learned in the workforce made me tough, resilient, and responsible, all of which are requirements of running a household. I know my worth, and I know what’s important to me. I went out and studied different work environments, I learned my passions. I learned about my strengths and weaknesses, and I gained self-awareness. I learned that money isn’t everything. I’ve made good money and have been so very unhappy.

 

So the point is, I needed those experiences to get where I’m at today. I’ve learned to walk away from what doesn’t fill my cup so that I can embrace what fills my soul. I’m not giving up or backing down. I’m not compromising my career. I was being prepped all along for the most important job of my life, which is motherhood. To me, it’s all about perspective. If you view staying home as depressing and unimportant then surly it will be that way. I spent the past 5 years providing care to hundreds of individuals and their families in my community and now it’s time to turn that focus to my own. I truly believe that creating good people begins right in your own home. I can’t change the world’s ills, but I can certainly add the people who are going to help guide our world to a better place by raising them with love in my home. To me, there’s no greater opportunity or responsibility.

A previous supervisor of mine once told me that I would lose productivity and consequently ruin my career if I had children. I’m embarrassed to say this, but for a hot second, I thought this person might be right. I let this person cloud much of what I knew and believed to be true for the sake of “being successful”. Thankfully, I’ve learned to follow my heart and do what I believe is the right thing to do. In the end, paid work will always be there. I have no doubt that when and if I decide to return to my career that there will be something great waiting for me. I will focus on that life change when that time comes.

As always, I will leave you with one of my favorite quotes by my home girl Brene Brown. In her new book titled, Braving the Wilderness: The Quest for True Belonging and the Courage to Stand Alone, she writes, “True belonging doesn’t require us to change who we are; it requires us to be who we are”. This reminder drives me to do what’s in my heart. And right now, that’s being a mother. I can’t wait for our adventure with little Abel. We are excited for you my love!

With love,

Keena

Gratitude

Hello friends and Happy September! I don’t know about you, but I’m ready for all the goodness that September has in store! September marks the beginning of Fall, and while technically it starts on September 22^nd it begins today for me and other Fall lovers! Not only am I excited about the Fall season, but I’m also excited because my husband and I will be finding out whether we will be raising a little girl or boy at the end of this month! We are already planning the gender reveal party for our families, and we just can’t wait! My heart feels so full every single day that I carry this baby. I can’t wait to show our child the world and enjoy all the milestones!

The end of this month will also put at us at halfway through the pregnancy which blows my mind! Time really is flying already. I’m feeling the pressure of getting things done, and my nesting process has already started. As we speak, there are two guys are in the nursery working on refinishing the beautiful wood floors. This was the first task before tackling anything else. I have very specific themes and colors in mind so the decorating won’t really start until after we know the gender. I think about this every day and dream about what it will look like in the next few months. If there’s a maximum space limit for pins on Pinterest either I’ve hit it or I’m close! I’m having a really good time daydreaming and planning. And I’m a planner so when I say I have a list, believe me, I do! Baby probably won’t care at all, but this momma wants her baby to enjoy a beautiful and thoughtful room.

While I plan the decorations, my husband is brainstorming ways to make the nursery a sleep sanctuary. He values sleep (good sleep) like no one else I know. It makes sense given that his sleep time is not always consistent or abundant. So his primary focus at the moment is good sleep for daddy, mommy, and baby! Make no mistake, we realize raising babies is difficult and sleep is not a guarantee for anyone on any given night, but we can certainly do our best! We will do our best and forget the rest. I’ve shared that phrase before in my blogs, but I’m really embracing it as we prepare to enter parenthood. I am under no illusion that parenting will be easy and it will be more than having a beautiful nursery. There will be more messes as well as sleepless nights headed our way. And you know what? I’m okay with that. I’m more than okay with that. I’m ready to embrace the hard times because I know the good always outweighs the bad. We will inherit the inevitable worry that comes with raising a child and wonder if we’re doing it "right" at times. I work with many parents and I always remind them that the best thing they can do is to go home and love their children. That’s what I plan to do. I also plan to practice gratitude every single day.

I began my gratitude practice only a short while ago. Don’t get me wrong, I’ve always been thankful and grateful but when I learned that it was an actual practice that would change my mindset I wanted to learn more about how it could enrich my life. Every morning before work I spend time writing out what I’m grateful for and why. I try to get as specific as I can so that I can really appreciate what I’m giving thanks for. Also, at dinner time my husband and I share with each other what we’re thankful for before we eat dinner. It was something that he suggested, and so he leads our evening gratitude. There’s nothing more attractive than a man who gives thanks. That may sound weird, but I really love this about him. He has such a grateful heart and he’s always reminding me about things to be grateful for.

All of this is to say that gratitude has profoundly changed my life, my vision, and my mindset. Without it, I just seemed to focus on things that weren’t going right…or my way I should say! It’s helped me to let go of the little things and trust more. Gratitude is what will us get through the hard times of parenthood. So as we prepare in the next 5 short months to welcome a baby, our grateful hearts will be ready.

Today I am grateful for:

1.       Cool weather so I can air out my house

2.       Having one day this weekend to relax with my husband (he will be working most of it)

3.       Our sweet, growing baby

4.       A career where I can help others find peace and meaning in their lives

What are you grateful for today?

With Love,
Keena

11 Weeks and Counting

Hello friends! It’s been quite a while since I’ve posted in my blog. Things have been a whirlwind and summer is passing by so quickly! Which I’m okay with because I’m ready for crisp fall weather, beautiful leaves and the smell of campfires. Anyway, here’s what’s been going on lately…

Since finding out that we were expecting, my life has been work, sleep, eat and repeat. That’s basically it. I’m sleeping for up to 10-12 hours every single day. I’ve never needed so much rest in my life. I’ve been told to listen to my body and do what it wants. It takes a lot of work to grow a baby! It can be frustrating though to be so tired all of the time despite my best efforts at exercise, drinking gallons of water and trying to eat healthy. Sleep is sleep, and nothing makes up for that! I keep telling myself to do my best and forget the rest.

Somewhere between work, sleep, and eating my mind also makes time for worry and anxiety. I have worried about this child since the day I got a positive pregnancy test. I worried so much before our first appointment about what we would or wouldn’t see. We were so grateful to see our little baby and watch our baby’s heart flicker on that screen. Baby had a wonderful heart beat and I just couldn’t believe that what I was seeing was actually inside of me. I have two beating hearts in my body. How is that anything but miraculous? I can’t even describe the feeling. I could’ve watched baby bounce around all day. I stare at our sonogram often and I pray every single day that God will see that this baby continues to grow healthy and strong. But my mind fears the worst…and so the hard work I’ve been doing is keeping my mind in a healthy space.

We decided to tell everyone right away that we were pregnant. I was 2 months along when we announced and I’m still not even out of the first trimester, but I’m very close. We were too excited to keep the wonderful news to ourselves. Craig and I decided together that we wanted to share in the joy with everyone right away because as long as this baby is growing inside of me, this baby is to be celebrated. What a pure joy we’ve been feeling! I’m sure there are some out there that think we shared too early and there are countless blogs that advise the earliest you should tell is 12 weeks. And what I’ve come to believe is that the 12 week “rule” is absurd. Since opening up about our pregnancy losses I’ve come to know other women who’ve experienced loss in the way I have which was prior to 12 weeks, but I’ve also met several women who’ve experienced loss at 16, 20, and 40 weeks. Also as many of you know, my sister lost her first son at full-term. Having a healthy baby is never a full-on guarantee. It’s an unimaginable loss at any point, but that goes to show that having a baby really is a miracle. At the end of every day I thank God that I’m still pregnant and I ask for another day.

After our first appointment I finally allowed myself to look in the closet where I stored the few things we had been given from our second pregnancy. My mom bought me this really cute pregnancy tracking book that allows me to journal about each pregnancy milestone. I had started to write in it with our second pregnancy so when I opened that book back up, my heart remembered the pain I had felt with our losses. Instead of marking out what I had already written, I decided to keep it and just add to it with this pregnancy. I can’t take away our first two losses. When I was writing in that book, those were moments of joy for me that I don’t want to erase.

Not all days are wrought with anxiety and worry though. I’m having more good days than bad, but sometimes when it’s bad, it’s bad. I just try to take one day at a time and be grateful along the way. Some days I sit in what will be the baby room and I dream of all the things I want to do with it. What decorations would look good. I can see myself sitting in a rocker holding my baby. I daydream a lot. I already began our registry to get a start on things. I’m looking at daycares and reading up on breast feeding and homemade baby foods. I’m looking for baby furniture and trying to find good deals. I’m doing all of the things that expecting mothers typically do, but I question a lot if it’s too early, or if I should wait a bit longer. That may sound strange, but after two losses I still battle a piece of me that wants to keep waiting until I know for sure while on the other hand knowing that nothing is guaranteed at any point. I’m still working on this, but I’m giving myself permission to plan for this baby as if all is well. And all IS well right now. Baby looks good according to my doctor and I trust her.

 

 Take a look for yourself. Isn’t that amazing? You can see arm buds and the dark shape of one eye and the baby’s attachment to the placenta. I’m in awe!

 I’ll keep praying and will cherish every day of pregnancy. I’ll be praying for all the other mama’s who need it too.

With love,

Keena

Love by Connection

Every morning, I spend around 20-30 minutes walking my little beagle, Augie. It’s something that we both look forward to and enjoy each morning. Lately, there have been more and more people out and about in the early morning, likely because of the gorgeous weather we’ve had. We get stopped frequently so people can meet my little Augie. She’s a charmer and hard to resist! Almost every morning we meet someone new, which is nice and refreshing to meet those I live around. Usually people ask me what her age and name is, and then after a few minutes we go our separate ways. Today was different. Today we met a lady who got me thinking about one of our basic needs…and that’s our need for connection. Within less than 5 minutes I knew so much about her life. Here’s how the conversation started:

Ms. B: “Hi there, your dog is cute, can you walk mine?”

My first impression was that this was a strange request to a stranger.
Me: “uhhh, Hi.” (I didn’t know what to say lol).
Ms. B: “Just kidding, my neighbor offered to do it for me. I just feel so bad that I can’t walk my dog anymore. Can I meet your dog?”
Me: “sure…”

I walked Augie up to this lady who looked even smaller and frailer up close. She sat down and began lovin’ on Augie. As I was getting ready to pull Augie away and continue our walk, (I was running late for work), she said, “I hope you never get breast cancer. Look…one of my teeth just fell out this week. How can I face anyone?”

I was not prepared for this conversation, but it was clear that she was yearning to talk to someone about what she was going through. She explained to me that she was an attorney who had to quit practicing because she couldn’t do her job very well anymore due to chemotherapy. She was sad because she couldn’t walk her dog as much. She told me that she never could have imagined what going through breast cancer would’ve been like…and then it happened. Woman to woman, I felt her pain, yet couldn’t imagine her grief. More so, I could sense that she was lonely. I have no idea if she is/was married or had a close support network, but even when you do, pain shrinks your world.

I’ve never experienced cancer or any terminal illness, but the way I can relate to pain lately is through my pregnancy losses. I understand what it feels like to crave connection during difficult times. I know what it’s like to be ignored and not heard. I understand that it hurts when the world keeps moving as if nothing is wrong when you’re aching so much inside and no one knows it. Or worse, if others do know it, they ignore it. I was left wondering if that’s how she felt. Her feelings just started tumbling out as if she couldn’t stop them. That’s what happens when you long for connection.

I felt conflicted because I didn’t want to be rude, but I needed to be on my way. I quickly realized that there was no way that I could cut her off and keep walking. It just didn’t feel right. So, I stayed. She wanted our dogs to meet and she wanted to feed Augie treats (Augie didn’t complain). But I think what she really wanted was some of my time. I helped her up by holding onto her arm and waist and walked with her to the gate so our puppies could meet. I could feel her physical weakness and she praised my youthful strength. Unfortunately, Augie was not a fan of her dog, but the woman was thrilled with their interaction.

After talking for a while, she extended her hand and shook mine and asked me my name. She wished me a good day, and I said the same. I went on my way and thought about her the rest of my walk home. I immediately offered up thanks for my health, but also prayed that this lady I met would experience healing, both physically and emotionally. All I could think of was what a harrowing journey she’s traveling. I just hope that she’s not traveling it alone. It is hard to be open with the rawness of our struggles, but at some point, we just have to stop trying to bear it alone.

The current book I’m reading is called “Option B” written by Sheryl Sandberg and Adam Grant-it’s so great. They discuss this need to be “okay” despite our struggles. They referenced the work of psychologist David Caruso when explaining this phenomenon. He explained, “all over the world, there is cultural pressure to conceal negative emotions.” And further, “there’s this relentless drive to mask the expression of our true underlying feelings. Admitting that you’re having a rough time is almost inappropriate.” We’ve all felt this right? I know I have.

I’ve heard repeatedly in personal relationships as well as from my clients that emotions and struggles are not to be shared. Where in the world did this lie come from?? Almost everyone who connected with me on pregnancy loss expressed that they wish they hadn’t kept it to themselves. Why you ask? Because it was unbearable. Pushing away pain does not banish it nor lessen it. Without care, it festers on our soul. And I believe that the only remedy is connection.

I chose to connect with someone today who desperately needed listened to. That’s the greatest gift we can give anyone. Listen, connect, and hear someone’s story. You never know who you’re going to meet or what fascinating story you’ll be missing if you choose to walk away. Next time you see someone struggling or if it seems like they want to talk, simply ask, “how are you today?” And then not let the answer “good” suffice. Ask even if you’re uncomfortable. And if you’re being asked, give them the real answer. There’s a difference between complaining and being honest about where you’re at. I’m working on being the question asker and giving honest answers when asked. There is no shame in that, only the possibility for connection.

So, my sweet friends: How are you today? Really though, how are you?
I’m here for you.

With love,
Keena  

Two Years after "I Do"

I didn't think marriage could be so hard, but after two years into mine, I understand why a twenty, thirty, or fifty year marriage anniversary is really something to celebrate. I know that sounds harsh and maybe insinuates that I'm not happy in mine, but that's not the case. I am happy with my marriage and I love being married! I'm thankful to share life with someone, committed together as one. People did tell me it would be hard, but how do you know what that means until you've experienced it? I really didn't know. I will never forget a good friend of mine who gave me a sweet card when I got engaged and she wrote, "remember this moment when the hard ones come". If she's reading this, then all I can say is, Thank You. Thank you for reminding me that it's not all bliss and that I'd need to hold onto the good when the hard times would inevitably happen. I appreciate the honesty you extended me. I still have that card!

The first month or so of marriage was pretty great! We started it off in Hawaii soaking up the sun and living in a blissful honeymoon! Shortly after, we bought our first home together and started to enjoy the freedoms of home owning even though it was a huge learning curve on the topics of escrow, interest rates, property tax, loan types, ect., but we still enjoyed the experience. That next month we both started our new jobs-Craig started as an orthopedic surgery resident, and I began my career as a consultant over children's mental health programs. We jumped into some pretty fast currents of work that demanded our brain power and stamina at a completely different level than any of our previous higher education ventures. The new expectations at this work level took its toll emotionally and physically. We had to figure out how to coordinate two busy schedules to get things done at home while taking care of ourselves and our growing marriage.

As we worked hard to establish ourselves in our careers, we had to stop and examine our together identity. Were we spending quality time together? Were we taking the time to check in with one another? Were we both contributing to house work? Many times we've had to put our heads down and grind through the long stretches of being apart and just get stuff done when things needed to be done. One thing I really admire about Craig is his grit. I've never seen someone work without complaint like he has, and short cuts are not his thing.

Also when starting out, we had the awkward growing pains of remembering the "we" in everything. Every decision was now for "us" not "me" or "you". This was especially true for finances. We've read a lot of books on finance during these past two years and came to realize that this would only truly work if we treated all money as "ours". While we still struggle with agreeing on a monthly budget (thanks to Amazon), we have at least decided that it would be a shared struggle. Coming together like that wasn't easy, and it's still hard, but we continue to work hard as a team.

Since being married these past two years, Craig's work schedule and responsibilities have grown which has continued to stretch thin his time at home. I have started 3 different jobs and have finally landed where I'll be for awhile. Starting a new job is on the list of most stressful life events and I've done it 3 times since we got married. Every month or two Craig is on a new surgical rotation requiring him to learn a new skill set which is comparable to getting a new job every few months. We are learning information at an intense rate and have not reached "comfortable" quite yet. I don't expect comfort and confidence to be there yet, we just started, but it doesn't make it easy.

So we checked the wedding, starter home, and jobs off on our list. Then we decided that we would start trying for a family once we were in the clear of year 2 of residency. We didn't know that our journey to parenthood would include two miscarriages in a row. Another hurdle...but this time it was one that wrecked my heart. Both happened at a time when I was new to a job. I've had the experience of crying in the offices of two new bosses so that I could ask to have a day or two to grieve at home. When you're trying to put your best foot forward and impress your leadership, it's incredibly hard to be vulnerable even though your heart is aching. But I had to. I had to be vulnerable because there was no way I could keep all of that in and do a good job for the people I serve without taking care of myself first. And that meant approaching my respectable leaders with an open heart and my raw experiences. I'm so grateful because I was met with hugs, kind words, and excused time off. That's grace in its finest hour. I'm so grateful not just to work for good leadership, but just all around good people. I want to be that kind of leader.

So what did the miscarriages do to our marriage? I want to say that we were completely comforted by one another. But we weren't. (I shared this in a previous blog post, but I'll repeat some of it here for the sake of relevance to this post.) Craig wanted to pick up and move on. I wanted to stop and feel the emotions and just sit with that pain because I couldn't keep it down and away. I'm a therapist for crying out loud...this is what I do with people every day. I help people come face-to-face with their pain for the purposes of healing. So for me, there was no other way of dealing with it except to work through it, not past it. I'm not bashing my husband for how he dealt with it. I'm just trying to illustrate for you the differences in how people in a marriage deal with pain and how important it is to pay attention to these differences. Eventually we spent time talking about our feelings and met with professionals who comforted us by acknowledging the normalcy of our differences.

In the past two years, we've had fights that have brought us to tears. One thing that I'm so happy for is that we have this unspoken agreement that name-calling and cursing is completely unacceptable when we fight, and we've never crossed that. We don't always get along, but we have this deep respect for one another that allows us to stay away from that junk. What we have been working on is coming together to apologize and to admit when we are wrong. This one is so hard...so so hard. When I feel that I'm right, I don't want to apologize. But what I've learned is that apologizing isn't giving in and foregoing my beliefs. No, see apologizing is a humble practice that allows you to love another person more fully because it says, "hey, I'm sorry if I hurt your feelings. I want to connect with you, not fight." Apologizing gives me peace and it humbles me to admit that I'm not right about everything (I'm close though! lol). But for real, next time you fight, apologize to your husband or wife, people. I promise it will help your relationship and your heart.

Lately, I've seen a few shared articles on social media that challenge the point of being married because studies have shown that marriage does not make you happier. You know what I think? Those studies are right! Marriage does not bring you more happiness. It is not a guaranteed level of happiness once you say your vows and sign that legal paper binding you together. But this is the problem...if you're getting married to be happier then you're going to be extremely disappointed. They are studying the wrong question. I got married because I wanted someone to walk with me through the good, the bad, and the ugly. I wanted someone who I could grow up with and experience new together. I wanted to feel joy with someone. To me, joy is a much deeper construct than happiness. Joy is a result of the good and the bad. I'd much rather have that than be pulled into the lie that one person can bring you all this daily happiness. That is too much of an expectation for one person. No one is responsible for that except for you, but joy is something shared and cultivated together. Yep, that's what I want-JOY.

When I look back, it's amazing all that has happened in the past two years. We've spent 730 days as husband and wife and it feels like not enough time for all that has happened. I'm so grateful for our marriage. I'm joyous that I get to experience a deep love, an imperfect love-one that is forgiving and uplifting even in the hard times. Something our Pastor said during our ceremony that stuck with me is this:

"Marriage requires love, and teaches love. It is an adventure."-Pastor Priggie

 

Spot on.

 

Happy 2nd Anniversary my dearest love, Craig. I can't wait to see how the rest of our story unfolds.



 

With love,

Keena 

Love Yourself First

Hello friends and happy Thursday!

I’m on a theme here with writing about the littles in my family so I’m stickin’ with that today as well. Last time I wrote about my first-born nephew, Samuel in remembrance of his 5^th birthday. Now I find myself inspired to write about my niece Mira who’s about to turn 4 in two weeks-something that I can’t wrap my mind around. I thought of her because I was in a conversation with my older sister (Mira’s momma) and we were talking about unconditional love and encouragement. Our conversations are known to get deep! I love our sisterly talks so much-what a blessing they are to me!

Today we were talking about how uncommon it is for people to practice unconditional love and encouragement. We are only truly happy with others if they are acting, doing, and speaking how we think they should. These are conditions, or expectations we have of others that get in the way of us extending our love to one another.  It’s hard for us to love people just as they are…unless you’re Mira. Because that girl loves everyone and I want to share (or proudly brag) about her beautiful gifts.

Lots of children are loving, kind, and caring…there’s a pureness to children that we all can admire. As we get older, we realize the brokenness of the world and it becomes a fight to love as deeply as children do. Mira has this gift like most children…but her level of love, encouragement, and gratitude is strikingly abundant when you meet her at just 3 years young. I’ve never been around a child that could lift your heart in the ways she can. As a student of child development, I’ve learned that children her age are very egocentric. In other words, children mostly care about themselves. Perspective-taking is something they have not yet mastered. It’s natural and all children have some level of egocentrism. Mira makes me question if she’s only 3 because her compassion for others is undeniable.

Mira is always asking “you okay?”. She notices when others get hurt and is quick to kiss any owies and then asks “you better?”. She wants to know that you’re okay. If I could bottle up her sweet voice and play it on the hard days, I would. Her attentiveness to those hurting is such a gift. She’s always coming up to me and saying “Aunt Keena, Augie is sad. She’s so sad.” I always tell her that Augie (my beagle pup) is happy and then Mira will perk up. I’m not sure why she’s always telling me that my dog is sad, but maybe she senses something that I don’t. Maybe she wants Augie to feel included too. Either way, her focus on feelings points to her caring soul-one that isn’t self-focused. She’s watching and she wants others around her to feel good. As adults, how often are we taking the time to acknowledge each other’s pain? Are we seeing the hurt around us? Are we offering words of encouragement? Are we celebrating the good times with one another?

That’s the other thing she’s so good at. She has the beautiful gift of encouragement. Gosh she’s so good! If you want to feel good about yourself, you need a hang-out date with this little girl. Last weekend she came up to me and said, “Aunt Keena, you’re so pretty” and then she hugged me. She’s always giving the biggest compliments. One time when I had her at my house she said, “you’re the best ever Aunt Keena”.

*Cue the tears and the BIG heart melt.*

Seriously, she knows how to make me feel so good about myself. And the reason she can do this is because she loves herself. Mira practices what we therapists call positive self-talk. In other words, she’s so nice to herself! The things you will hear Mira say includes:

“I so gorgeous!”, “I so smart”, and “wook at me, I so strong!”.

She believes all these good things about herself. She doesn’t ask “am I prettier than her?” or say “I’m not smart enough”. How often do we compare ourselves to others? How often do we put ourselves down? I’m guessing we do this a lot. And when we do this self-shaming, we can’t begin to love others unconditionally because we have conditions for ourselves. Self-love has to come first. It is the key that lets us love others. It is the main ingredient of kindness. It allows us to celebrate ourselves and others knowing that there’s enough appreciation and love to go around for all of us. We forget that as adults. The lack of self-love leads us to compare beauty and success. But when you can celebrate your own gifts, you gain the freedom to celebrate others’. She thinks she’s gorgeous and that you’re gorgeous too and that both are to be celebrated. She can see the pure beauty in everything and everyone.

My prayer is that she always loves herself in this way. Because her self-love is a mirror to how she feels about those around her. As her Aunt I promise to help protect and nurture her level of self-love as the brokenness of the world will test and threaten her self-worth. Another girl will be mean to her and call her names and it will shake her. My hope is that her self-love will persevere in those moments and that she will be able to extend love to others who are less secure with themselves. (And then she will tell Aunt Keena who will then hunt this person down!) Just kidding…but for real.

As a therapist, I help people piece back together their self-worth every day. There is such a lack of self-love and let me tell ya-it’s destructive. What sweet little Mira has taught me is this: unconditional love starts with yourself.  When you encourage yourself, you can start to encourage those around you. You start to forget about comparisons and expectations which allows you to simply love.

Mira blesses me all the time with her overflowing love. I strive to be like her every day. Yep, I want to be more like the little girl who’s been on this earth 23 years less than I have. She’s amazing. If you’ve never met her, here’s the sweet little face I’ve been talking about.

(Photo Credit: Rachel Lynda Photography)

 

Her love is radiant and contagious. May we all love ourselves and others like she does!

In light of her upcoming 4th birthday I'm sharing our first picture together. I love you sweet baby girl!

With love,
Aunt Keena

An Aunt’s Perspective: Remembering Samuel David Mugford

Today would’ve been my sweet nephew’s 5^th birthday. Samuel David Mugford entered and left this world within one short hour after birth. I remember this day five years ago like it was yesterday. Time has healed hearts, but his memory never leaves. I witnessed every part of his life, and my heart is grateful for my time spent with him. I want to share his life with you from my eyes as his Aunt. This is my account of this day five short years ago…

Five years ago, I was a senior in college and was busy preparing for my next step in life. I was figuring out graduate school and moving three hours away from home. One day during that time, I remember my mom called me right before class and gave me the news that my sister and brother-in-law had received at their five month doctor’s appointment. She told me that the baby boy my sister was carrying was sick, and it didn’t look promising. I had no idea how to process that. I had no words…only tears. I debated on going to class and ultimately decided to go. I felt numb and could not get myself to participate in that class. I know that may seem strange that I went to class, but when bad news comes, it’s common that grief hits later. Plus, my sister and brother-in-law lived close to eight hours away from me at the time so I could not jump in my car and rush to them like I wanted to.

I called my sister after that class and when I dialed I had no idea what I was going to say. So, all I said was “I’m so sorry” and we cried. That’s all that needed to be said. What do you say to someone who has just found out her baby is sick with low chances of survival? What I know now is that there are no perfect words, but saying nothing would be a lot worse. I get this more now than ever after having gone through two miscarriages and having family or close friends go on without saying a word. Yes people, it hurts more than you know. Because when you go through pain, your world starts to feel pretty small. I imagine that’s how Sam’s parents felt.

I continued to move through the last few hoops of college as I nervously awaited Sam’s arrival. I was told that he could be born at any time given that he was sick so I always had my phone right next to me. Selfishly, I had hoped he would come at a convenient time for me because I also did not want to miss out on any last college memories. I’m being completely honest and it sounds selfish, I know…so I ask for grace as I continue. I remember talking over travel details and how I’d make up classes, finals, and last minute college grad to-dos with my mom. She was working hard to arrange for us all to be there for Sam’s birth. I’ll never forget what I’m about to tell you next and trust me, I have shame for it. I remember calling my sister at this point and asking her how she felt if I didn’t come. I know…how terrible of me. I was so caught up in my own world that I thought I could skip out and just get the pictures. All she said to me was this, “if you can live with knowing you missed this, then okay”. She didn’t shame me. She was being real with me. I thought it over, but didn’t quite yet know what I was going to do.

I think back now and wonder if I was trying to protect myself as well because of the deep sadness that I knew would come. Had I gone or stayed, deep sadness would’ve been the outcome regardless. As it turned out, Samuel showed signs of arrival as my parents and I were at my senior sorority parent’s brunch. I was so excited for this brunch because it marked the finale of my college years. Right as we sat down to eat, my mom got the call from my sister. It was time. I don’t think we’ve ever moved that fast. We walked quickly (almost running) to the car and drove home and packed bags within minutes and hit the road for the eight hour drive it took to get to Ann Arbor, Michigan. I’ve NEVER seen my mom drive that fast. We literally flew there with little stops and made it in time to watch what was one of the most impactful moments of my life.

We got to the hospital in the afternoon with plenty of time because Sam was not born until 3:20 am the next morning. The rush was worth it though! Turns out, babies come on their own time! My sister and brother-in-law decided to let everyone into the birthing room because they didn’t know how long they would have with baby Sam. After several hours of waiting, praying, and talking…Sam decided it was time. I was standing behind the doctors so that I could watch everything. There is nothing more miraculous than watching a baby be birthed. Hands down coolest thing ever and it gave me an appreciation for the woman’s body. How awesome is all I can say! My sister was a champ and even joked and laughed during birth…how amazing even when she knew her sweet baby wouldn’t stay for long. She rocks, that’s all I can say.

Sam came out and was immediately taken to a table by a team of doctors to be examined. I’ll never forget what I heard next…his sweet sweet baby cries. He cried and my heart leapt because I had hope that he might make it. After examining him, the doctors then swaddled him and gave him to my sister. There was nothing they could do…expect for his family to pour love over him. I stopped and looked around…it was a busy rush but I noticed the tears on those nurse’s faces as they continued to busily work. Bless their hearts…that is a job I do not envy. The doctor also waited in the room and gave time before he officially announced Sam’s time of death. All hearts broke into a million pieces in that moment. He lived for an hour, but he gave me a lifetime of gratitude and appreciation for life. I know he did the same for others as well. His testimony still lives.

I learned that hospitals give grieving parents as much time as they need with their baby before they take them away. I’m grateful for this. I watched him get bathed and dressed like any other baby would. I laid in the hospital bed with my sister and my sweet nephew between us. I kissed, loved, and cuddled a dead baby. I’m not trying to be crude when I use the word “dead”, but he was and it shows the depth of my experience. I never even stopped to think that I was kissing a dead baby. It was not weird at all because that’s what deep love does. After several hours, it was time to go…my sister was being released from the hospital. Sam was carried away in a white, satin lined basket. Watching her put him in there to have strangers take him away broke my heart even more. My heart broke more when I watched her get into the car without a baby carrier in tow. I was breaking inside for her and my brother-in-law.

I am so happy that I decided to show up that day. I’m grateful that my selfish wants were softened so that I could be there fully for this very important day. Sam lives on in my heart and the hearts of everyone who knows my wonderful sister and brother-in-law. Their story helps others experiencing similar grief today. Their experience gave me hope for my own grief in having lost two pregnancies through miscarriage. Their strength gives me strength.

In closing, I want to share with you my most favorite picture of me and my sweet nephew Samuel David Mugford. You are in my heart always. Happy 5^th Heavenly birthday sweet angel.

 





If you want to watch their beautiful story, click the link below. It's worth watching!

https://vimeo.com/cedarcreek/review/49570112/9241561506

With love,

Aunt Keena

Finding Joy on the Hard Days

Today is a hard day. It’s the kind of day that makes me want to curl up in my bed, sleep and forget all of my troubles. Ya know what I’m talking about? I’m sure most of you can think back to a day where this has happened and you struggled to see anything good about the day that lay ahead. The good news is that you and I are not alone! I’m learning to cope with these days, and I want to share with you how I’ve been handling this not so favorite day of mine.

A couple of weeks ago I shared that I was going through a miscarriage at 6 weeks pregnant. It’s still pretty raw for me with the little time that has passed, but I can feel my heart being healed. Since then, I’ve started a new job which has helped keep me busy and less focused on my broken heart. But make no mistake, the hurt is not gone. I feel it at night when I’m laying my head down on my pillow and saying my prayers. I feel it in the quiet or when a heartfelt song plays on the radio. I feel it when I see all the pregnant mamas out and about. I felt it when a woman who knew nothing about what I was going through stated out of frustration “you should never have kids”. She was dealing with a difficult situation with her own child, but it hurt to hear that. I really felt the sadness when I went to my OB appointment today to discuss everything with my doctor. When I checked in the receptionist asked “are you doing your sonogram first today?”. An innocent mistake made…but it stabbed my heart. The tears just started right then and there. I’m so grateful my sweet husband was standing by my side and just took me into his arms.

We had a helpful appointment with the doctor. She answered many of our questions and was able to put our minds at ease. She said things that I really needed to hear. When we left, I was still crying because I so badly wanted to be walking out with a picture of our baby. Instead, I was leaving with a handful of Kleenex.  I feel like my doctor is a great cheerleader for us and her confidence and tenderness only helped us in this difficult time. I love it when you come across a healthcare provider like this…I know I strive to be that way with the people I serve.

Although today has been hard on my heart, I know that there is still goodness and joy in today. While my joy did not come in the form that I had hoped, it came in other forms. Today is not even over, but I already have a lot of goodness that I want to share with you! I’m surrounded by joy and love and I want to take time to appreciate all that I’ve been blessed with. I hope you enjoy the pictures of what I'm grateful for today!

I told Augie to sniff on our lovely morning walk...

She decided to eat it instead lol

Her silliness brings me joy!

Out to lunch with my hubby after the doctor appointment.

Puffy eyes for me but such joy to share a meal with him!

I love spending time on the patio in

beautiful weather! I feel joy and complete comfort

when I'm in sunshine!

I get so much joy out of spending time in my garden

learning how to make things grow!

Fresh cut flowers for my new grace and

gratitude vase!

Flowers bring me so much joy!

 Yes today is hard. My heart is hurting and there have been tears, but I have been comforted by the goodness because I opened my eyes and looked around. There's always joy in the hard days, you just have to open your heart.

With love,
Keena

Hello my sweet friends. I’ve been absent from writing and posting for over a month now. A lot has been happening in my life this past month or so. My focus shifted so I could attend to my life matters and now I’m ready to sit down again and dig in to share my heart with you all.

In my last blog I shared that I had resigned from my position and had accepted a new job. Remember that? Okay, well long story short, there was a paperwork snafu that delayed my start date, which put me out of work for a month. Yep, I’ve had a whole month off. Parts of it have been great, but other parts not so much. I’m a busy body. I need things to do. I like going to work and being productive, so this has been hard for me. What I didn’t know was that this time off was a blessing in disguise…I had no idea what was awaiting me and why the time off would be so very important. Now let me share with you why…

I miscarried my baby at 6 weeks pregnant. This was my husband and I’s second loss in the past few months. This one was even harder. We were so excited and overjoyed when we found out I was pregnant again. We decided together that we would share the news with our families and close friends because we were so excited, but if something were to happen then we would have the support of our loved ones. I prepared little gifts to announce to our families. We had so much joy in telling them. Little did we know, one week later my body would decide that this wasn’t the one. I won’t get into all of the details, but let me say this, a miscarriage is very physically painful. I was curled up in pain all Friday night praying that it would stop. The pain came in constant waves and I squeezed my pillows until each wave passed. I woke my husband several times just so he would hold me and rub my belly. The pain didn’t stop until the following afternoon…that’s when I knew the baby had passed.

My miscarriage was confirmed through a blood test earlier today. I counted the minutes as I sat in the waiting room because I just wanted to get out of there. In my heart, I already knew what the blood results would reveal. I have cried so much these past few days that I am shocked I have any tears left. I feel foggy, slow, and drained. My heart hurts so very much. It’s amazing how big your dreams become for the little person growing inside you even when they are so very small. I was afraid to be excited in the beginning because we had already been through one loss, but my sister told me that there was no way that I could protect my heart even if something bad did happen. She was so right. At that point, I let it go and allowed myself to feel the joy of knowing we had made a baby. My husband and I talked every day about all the things we wanted for our child. Our hearts were so overjoyed.

I feel like there’s so much in my heart that I want to share. Not everything is making sense in my head right now. As I heal physically and emotionally, I’m sure I’ll be able to put my thoughts together for myself.

I want to share my gratitude to those who have poured love over me. I want to list these out because they are all so important to me and I am very thankful for everyone who’s supported us.

To my mom- Thank you for crying on the phone with me. I could feel your love through your tears. I literally couldn’t do life without you.

To my dad- Thank you for praying and for letting me know that you’d drop everything to be here with me. You’ll always be my #1 hero.

To my sisters-Thank you for the daily check-ins, your prayers and your love. I’m so grateful to share the ups and downs with you.

To my husband-oh my sweet husband…thank you for sharing life with me. Thank you for your constant love, hugs, and belly rubs at night. Thank you for not being afraid to buy pads at the store for me…that’s a manly thing to do for your wife.

To a good friend-thank you for doing my gift shopping for a baby shower I’m invited to. Thank you for stepping up and knowing exactly what my heart needed because you knew my heart couldn’t bear to stand in a baby aisle.

To my in-laws-thank you for your prayers, support and love. You help keep us going.

To our friends-thank you for loving both of us. We need you always.

To my sweet friends who have struggled with miscarriage, infertility, or any pregnancy loss- I want you to know that my heart is with you sweet sister. The pain is overwhelming. I’m not sure what motherhood looks like for me or you, but in whatever form it happens, it will be joyous. My heart is with you. You’re not alone. I’m not alone. I want to share part of a blog I read. I couldn’t find it again to give due credit, but it’s too good not to share anyway:

“I also felt something I did not expect: foolish. I felt foolish for being sad. I felt I did not have the right to grieve, because, as people would point out to me, “It was really early.”

And again, there is the problem with the 12-week rule. Because we are encouraged not to disclose our pregnancy until the twelfth week, there is an unfair assumption that we can’t really be excited about our pregnancy until then.

Let me make one thing very clear: You are allowed to feel however you want or need to feel when you find out you have a human life growing inside of you, no matter when you find out.

And while words like “viable” and “sustainable” are thrown at you in regards to the progression of your pregnancy, there is no line graph where the love you feel for life inside you increases with the number of weeks it gestates. Pregnant is pregnant. Loss is Loss.”

Our hearts will heal with time. I’m still grateful for the short time we were gifted with joy of our little one. I wanted to share the picture below because I never had the chance to. I put this together when I found out I was pregnant. I still treasure it greatly. We will always love our babies even though their journeys had barely begun.

With love,

Keena

Living in Grace

Hello dear friends! Hope you’ve all been enjoying the beautiful weather these past few days as much as I have been! What a sweet break of respite as we wait patiently for sunshine and blooming flowers. I took advantage and spent time in the sunshine and reflected on how life has been going and what I could do to keep it simple, peaceful, and beautiful.  

As I mentioned in a recent Facebook post, I again made another important decision. I decided to resign from my position as a pediatric therapist. I know, I know…I gave it three months and then made the decision. Seems so soon, right? Yeah…well sometimes when you know…you know. There are several reasons why I’m making a switch to a different job. My decision was based on my physical, emotional, and mental status. I was not feeling fulfilled in the ways that I hoped, leading me to grow weary pretty fast.  This is not to speak negatively of my place of employment; it’s simply a personal thing that led me to question what it is I’m really looking for in my career. Sometimes you just have to give something a shot to see if it works. And it’s completely okay if it doesn’t. But did I tell myself this in the beginning when I began to question? No…I just questioned my ability.

Ability isn’t always the reason for leaving a job or choosing a different career path. It’s about asking yourself “what is my best yes?” and “where am I going to grow and flourish?”. If you are not listening to the whispers of anguish and unrest, then you will run yourself down quickly and lose sight of what is most important in your life. One of my favorite sayings from the philosopher, Socrates, is “know thyself”.  Knowing myself and my needs is an on-going journey. The hardest lesson is understanding that there’s not exactly a point of arrival. In other words, I’m not going to wake up one day and see my path crystal clear. No, this is not what will happen for anyone. Self-discovery is an on-going, life-long journey with “aha” moments, mistakes, and wrong turns. It will never make perfect sense. After all, it’s not exactly my plan to mess with. It was already designed for me with love, beauty, and grace.

But sometimes, I find myself fighting the plan set for me. I have moments when I ignore all the messages being whispered to my heart, which leaves me in a state of distress. Some are gentle whispers…others not so much. I can try to make my way work and avoid my feelings that tell me to move on, or I can listen to my heart and make decisions that will fill me up and help me be the best that I can be. The only thing I know for certain without any doubt is that I am called to serve others. I’ve known this for a very long time. I believe that we are all called to serve each other, but the ways in which we do is different for everyone. Why? Because we are all uniquely talented.

For example, I was not called to be a surgeon like my husband. Nope, not for me! But he is so good at what he does, and for that I am thankful we have people like him. I’m called to walk with people through emotional pain and help them figure out how to move forward. I’m called to listen, love, and give emotionally. I love that about myself, and I’m grateful for my gifts. The challenge before me is figuring out the right environment and pace at which I can share those gifts that leave me filling well and fulfilled and not empty.

If I’m going to thrive on this journey and share my gifts, then I really need to make a focused effort on the negative thoughts I have. I’m going to challenge myself to replace my unproductive thoughts with productive ones. Here’s some examples of the thoughts I’ve recently dealt with: “I gave up”, “I didn’t try hard enough”, “I picked the wrong field”. I’m working on replacing those with these: “I did my best”, “this was not my best yes”, “it’s okay to move around to find the right fit.” I’m working on giving myself grace. For most of us, this does not come naturally and it is a daily practice.

For some more inspiration on how to give myself grace, I picked up a book by Emily Ley titled “Grace Not Perfection”. I encourage you to pick it up if you want to learn more ways to extend yourself grace. I know I need the work! Here are some favorites already:

“What good are we when we’re overwhelmed, overbooked, and overcommitted?”

“We need care, rest, nutrients, and full hearts to be able to speak life into the people we love.”

“If you run yourself ragged caring for everyone but yourself while expecting perfection from your hands, body, and mind, you’re in for a rough collision with reality.”

 I hope you’re showing yourself grace today and always.  

With love,

Keena

Leadership in Marriage & Grief

As I’ve said before in some of my previous blogs, I do not consider myself to be a religious person. I do however, consider myself to be a very spiritual person. I have moments that bring me to my knees in prayer because I just don’t know what else to do, and I need to rely on something much greater than myself. Recently, I had one of those moments. This time, it had nothing to do with my job or work, which is usually what I spend my time writing about. This time, it was very personal, and the situation forced me to examine what leadership looks like in my home.

A week ago, my husband and I found out we were pregnant. This is the year we decided to start trying to expand our family, and we’ve been excited to become parents together. In the same week, I found out that I was likely having a miscarriage. What we’ve learned is that there is so much uncertainty and grey areas when it comes to pregnancy. I researched and read way too much on the internet, which left me feeling exhausted and with little comfort about what was happening to my body. There’s a reason why medical professionals tell you to stay off the internet. It truly does not bring any comfort…just more fears if anything. I can vouch for that. I wanted to hold on to the hope that maybe our situation would be different. I kept thinking that maybe this could still be a viable pregnancy. Waiting was the hardest part of the whole situation.

You don’t know how you’re going to respond to a pregnancy loss until it’s happening to you. I surly didn’t know how I would feel. The day after I found out I was miscarrying, I went to get my haircut because that’s always a relaxing thing for me to do. I was sitting there and I noticed that the woman next to me was showing off her sonogram pictures to her hairdresser. Oh.the.pain. I wanted to be showing off mine. But instead, I sat silently in my own pain, wishing I was carrying a baby. I have hope that one day I will, but today is not the day.

So how does this relate to leadership in the home you might ask? Well, marriage requires leadership…from both spouses. And let me tell you…it is not easy. I know my husband, and I know him well, but we have never been through something like this before and neither of us have experienced disappointment or pain in this way. I think we are learning each other’s stress responses and how we each deal with sadness. We experience sadness in completely different ways.

Even though I’m a therapist and I know people experience emotions in different ways, it doesn’t make it easy when it’s in my own home. If you know anything about love languages, then you know that everyone experiences feeling cared and loved for in different ways. We also experience grief in different ways. This is something I know. But it is something that is much harder to deal with at home. My husband is not as open with his feelings as I am. Sometimes I have to dig and pull out his emotions to see where he’s at. My emotional gauge is out in the open for all to see. I wear my heart on my sleeve so to speak. I want to talk when I’m hurting, and my husband wants space. What ends up happening is that I feel lonely and he probably feels smothered as we do this dance between our different needs. And this is where leadership comes in.

Leadership in the home is knowing when to put aside your needs and attend to your spouse’s needs. It’s knowing when to speak the truth about how you feel and calmly listen even when it hurts. It is continuing to love even though it hurts. This is something we are learning together in our young marriage. Even though it’s hard and painful, here’s what I do know:

We could not do this without the promise of our marriage.

Our marriage is not perfect. We do not do everything the right way, but our marriage means that no matter what, we are bonded in love and that is how I know we will be okay. While we are hurting right now and still working through the pain, I know that our promise to one another will carry us through. The only thing I am certain of is that we love each other deeply.

These days, marriage is no longer considered important and often viewed as “unnecessary”. No, it is not required for people to get married, and yes, I believe that unmarried couples can be happy together. But what if there’s more at stake in not being married? What if it was designed to guide us in ways that can only be understood when you commit in this way? All I can say is, my heart is protected by the faithful love I share with my husband. He is the only one who can lay next to me at night, rub my hurting belly and tell me he loves me. For this I know, I was blessed greatly. To me, there is no greater comfort.

The following is something I found comforting and thought I would share. It comes from “Jesus Today” by Sarah Young:

“Trust me here and now. You are in rigorous training-on an adventurous trail designed for you alone. This path is not of your choosing, but it is My way for you. I am doing things you can’t understand. That is why I say “Trust Me!”

The jungle is thick, and you cannot clearly see what is before you, behind you, or beside you. Cling to My hand as you follow this trail in shadowy darkness. Although you cannot see Me, My Presence with you is rock solid reality. Find hope in Me, beloved, for I am taking care of you.

Focus on enjoying Me and all that I am to you-even though your circumstances scream for resolution. Refuse to obsess about your problems and how you are going to fix them. Instead, affirm your trust in Me; wait hopefully in My presence, and watch to see what I will do.”

I am waiting hopefully and faithfully.

With love,

Keena